Making Friends - let's share ideas

[NarcKiddo]

I'm seeing a bit of a theme lately, which is the problems of social interactions and the difficulties with making friends. This is something I am actively addressing at the moment, in consultation with my therapist. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject so this post may be rather long. I thought maybe we could share our thoughts but also our efforts and results in this field, in case we can all learn something useful.

My thoughts thus far:

The internet has made a huge difference to me. I do not think online friends are less than real ones, although they are different and you cannot do physical things with them like go out for a coffee. Still, with Covid we had to get creative. There is no reason not to set a Zoom coffee date. I see that some streaming platforms allow you to watch a movie with a friend even if you are in different places. I have never tried it because I hate chatting during movies but I think you can start it at the same time and then have a face to face or text chat function on at the same time.

I have made proper friends (some of whom I have met in real life and who have always been exactly as I expected them to be - no nasty surprises) via online forums dedicated to purposes other than making friends. This started when I had lovebirds and needed some advice on how to care for them. A mutual interest (whether online or in person) is a good place to start. Neither of you is in the spotlight because you are sharing information about the interest.

Internet forums and the people on them tend to be quite predictable. A well-moderated forum is generally a happy place to be. People like us tend to hang out on these forums a lot. By which I mean people who are somewhat wary of face to face for whatever reason. Those people really value the online connection and tend to stay for years even if they no longer pursue the activity in question. However internet forums mean you have to be willing to stick around and take things very slow. And sometimes they end through lack of funding which is really frustrating. But by that time people who want to stick together have usually set up other means of contact.

I don't think fast on my feet in social situations. There is too much hyper vigilance. I am trying to work out what they want. For me the way to make that easier is for me to initiate the interaction. That sounds hideously scary, I know. So I started a policy of making comments to women in the gym changing room. Really basic stuff like "Do you know what time XYZ class is?" even if I already know the answer. Or "That trainer looked like they were working you really hard." Or "I like your dress" which for me serves a double purpose. I don't much know what to do with compliments and always think I must return them at once, when normal people don't actually seem to do this. Giving someone a compliment gives me a chance to see what others do. And sometimes this results in a bit of a conversation. Sometimes it does not. If I start feeling uncomfortable I can end it easily by saying I am in a bit of a rush and going to the shower or whatever. But just being the first to say something makes me feel more in control and not being attacked by some random wanting information.

If I receive a friendly approach which I bungle because I am scared I think about whether I can salvage the situation. I might look out for the person and next time I see them say something like "You were telling me about your dog last time I saw you. Sorry I had to dash off, but how is your dog?" People generally like it if you remember what they were telling you. I am really bad at remembering due to the hyper vigilance and this is where journalling can pay off. The details of a slightly stressy situation will normally stick around long enough for me to journal them. Then I can refer back to details.

Casual social interaction can be satisfying. I would like to have closer friends (I think!) but actually I get a lot out of a bit of casual chit chat with people in the gym, or staff in our regular restaurants or coffee shops. I think regular friendly interaction could be at least as important as a close friendship. The lack of expectations on either side when you are having a laugh with a barista you often see can make things easier for us.

I have been seeing the same exercise coaches and massage therapist for years. Yes, I employ these people and yes, there is an external purpose to these appointments, but there is still social interaction and I find it very valuable.

My next step in seeing what it is like to be around other people is to join an art class. A woman I know from the gym is in the class. I have been on cordial terms with her for some years so it was a fairly easy step for me to show an interest and her to suggest I might like the class. Because it is a class it should be reasonably easy to withdraw into the art if I am feeling overwhelmed and don't want to chat but because I know someone there I will be forced into some level of interaction. Which is what I want because I need practice. Joining a class where I don't know anyone might not really work because it would be too easy to hide in the back and never talk to anyone, like I did at school. Class starts in a couple of weeks and I'll let you know how it goes.

[PaperDoll]

Hi NarcKiddo,

I am really late to discover this thread but how did the class go?

Thank you for asking this question about ideas for making friends. It has helped me reflect that social connection is an area I would like to work on too.
 
Here are some ideas I had, some you already put forward:

- Join a class doing an activity I am interested in.

- Volunteer.

- Take a course to learn a new skill.

- Join a support group.

- Make chit chat with people I see regularly.

- Practise active listening and ask questions to show interest in the other person.

I find this hard to do as I have lots of anxious thoughts but it does actually help to lower my anxiety by moving my focus onto the other person.

- Say yes to invitations (for example, to meet up with colleagues outside work). This has worked for me in the past.

- Get outside everyday and regularly go to a place where I can meet other people.

- Not being afraid to "put myself out there" without having too many expectations. 

I find the last one really hard. I have a tendency to withdraw from people and we lose contact.

You've inspired me to be a bit more proactive, NarcKiddo, thank you.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello PaperDoll.

You have written some good ideas. Thank you. And it is good to have a reminder to say yes to invitations. My default reaction to an invitation is to immediately find an excuse not to go. I am now trying at least to consider my position before automatically saying no. If I am scared or unsure but think I might like the occasion I will invent a reason I may have to leave early and that feels like a safety net.

The art class has been going for about 16 weeks (there have been breaks for school holidays). It is quite slow going, socially, but that suits me well. The woman I already knew quite often gives me a lift there, which is nice as we get a chance to chat. Once class starts we get quite engrossed in what we are doing. She invited me to her birthday tea party, which I was really happy about, and enjoyed. I knew some people and met some new ones. It was a good social experience.

I try not to sit next to the same people each week at the class so I have to interact with others. That is working quite well. I'm feeling a bit more comfortable now, with the people in general and with having to show others my art work which is a big challenge in itself for me. I am finding an organised class environment to be a good way to socialise without too much pressure since the main focus of the class is on the subject of the class. I'd certainly recommend others give it a go if there are any classes or groups catering to things that interest them.

[PaperDoll]

Hi NarcKiddo,

It's nice to read about your experiences of the art class. It sounds very positive.