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I don't know about the science stuff here, that's all beyond me. I have heard of some developing ptsd symptoms, while having never been traumatized, because one of their parents had it.

I lived in fear, and not a healthy kind of fear, I think, of my parents, growing up. Even after the cpa stopped. Which was almost the exact time that corporal punishment was stopped in public schools in the U.S. Come to think of it, I received corporal punishment at school once or twice AFTER it had stopped at home.  But I knew it could come right back in a blink of an eye...just like the excessive cpa  that so loosley resembled corporal punsihment. So...was always afraid.

I did find out, in the past year, that not only are my f and m survivors of DV childhoods, their f and m are as well.  So, I'm at least a 3rd generation DV survivor, to which I did not pass on to my own children, at least not through my own actions. My soon to be ex-wife...that's another matter entirely. She didn't do much to the kids, but they witnesses plenty of what she did to me.
I also learned that I am a 5th generation Veteran of Military service, as well, through my f family bloodline.

Brain getting fuzzy now...gonna stop

Hi Rowan,

Been away, sorry for delay response.  Okay, understand about pulling up big girl/boy pants. One of my female supervisors used that phrase quite frequently, not in a derogatory manner towarsds me, but I am familiar with it.

As far as you personally, and others, I don't understand what the issue is, from outsiders. I think you all are as wonderful as any other. And equally as valuable and worthy of love and acceptance. Sometimes I am confused, but not out of judgement or lack of understanding, but more so from not knowing how to interact when it's not clear.  Maybe I shut up now, cuz I don't know what I saying anymore.

 

 
san, thank you for the hugs. 

Yeah, but it hard to take it sometimes. And cuz she so scared of Drs and such, that keeping her trapped too. Cuz of her ra/mc background, she too afraid if she lets them help her, she be giving up control of her life and be stuck in some horrorshow forever. Like she isn't now already.

if she could get away, then her abuser would be held accountable, cuz he would fail miserably at running his own life. He's proven that over and over by screwing everything up now, and blaming her for it.  He bought expensive tv for his gf, but then blamed wife for not being better with her money so he can get his truck fixed. Nevermind that she pays nearly all the bills, and he and gone behind her back to issue stop payments on several of the checks. 

Maybe now, with whatever's going on with her health, maybe now her abusive husband will finally get what's owed him. So many States, if not, all of the States here in the U.S. seem to have little to no legal recourse to help people like her, who are so far under their abuser's thumb that they can't help themselves.  Seems the law only cares if children are involved. And even then, sometimes they drop the ball and kids get hurt even after the law knew about their situation and did nothing.

WE hope so too, that she can find us. We not change anything so she can contact us in any of the ways as before. Thank you for hugs and prayers, so nice to have them. 

I've lost the most precious friend I've ever ever had...maybe forever.  I got to know her in an online survivors community.  We had gotten to the point of discussing our futures together. She has DID, and I have gotten to know 7-8 of her littles/others.  And they welcomed mine with open arms.  I only know that she's alive and slowly getting better day by day. Her adult son said it was my fault. I didn't hear anything for 5 days, so I thought she had a stroke or a mental breakdown. She was feeling off, and had had a stroke 27 years ago during birth of her son. She lost 2 weeks of time when that happened. But when her son texted me from her phone, and said what he did, I wondered if he was implying his dad beat her so bad she was hospitalized.  Son said I was the cause of the verbal abuse, and other abuses too.

Son grew up in that house, knows his dad has been very abusive in every manner of DV abuse, to his mom, and to him sometimes too. Even just 6-8 weeks ago his dad was physically violent with him. This stuff has been going on over the 27 years of their marriage...so...sure aint my fault. I know I was making her happy. She told me so. And her coworkers knew that someone good had finally come into her life, cuz they could see it on her face.

And now....     we all alone again. We talked and texted every day...all the time...not justme and her, but me and her others/littles too.  Feels like lost  whole group. 

Then just a few days ago had flashback triggered by another online friend's own memory being shared...


TW TW TW !!!!!


they were talking about gettng a sense of being caged as a young child..in a dog carrier/kennel. That triggered me...little andy told me he remmbers stuck in box by mean boy at nursery, when we were 2...him would sit on lid and squish us inside, cuz just not quite big enough. Also then I had body memory from a few years after that, of being in something bigger, all dark, and getting jabbed with sharp sticks through small holes in box. Made holes in my shirt, which made mommy mad, and her beats me then, for ruining shirt.


End TW


can get hugs, please?

"No real gay man would ever love you."
-my mom, after I was outed as trans (gay FTM) to h
-mom again

"I don't care about your feelings. You're just a toy to me and I can do whatever I want to you."
-my ex

Wanted to say that what your mom said to you is absolutely insane. How would she know what a "real" gay man is, and whether or not they would love you?  Wife said similar to me, saying no woman or man would want me, when accusing me of being gay as reason for not wanting sex with her.

Wife also said that marriage meant she could do as she pleased to me, without any consequences.

Hi San,

Yeah, all the rest of my life to work through this. So many things changing all at once...make it seem so so big.

Thank you, I have heard of IFS, but don't know much a bout it. I do know it's new to me, as a patient.

I do hope to lighten my load!!!

I've missed your loving and caring ways. 

DR
Just stopped in to say hi..."HI"...been too long. You been doing some hard work here, Well done, my friend.

You person you!!!! That's so awesome!!!! 

 

Blueberry,
I'm sorry that you had to let go of this friend, and even more sorry that said friend took so much more from you than she ever gave.  I don't know if I ever knew anyone that gave to me like that. I've always been the one to compromise or go along with them. Maybe that helped me be abused so much too.  Or is because I was. Don't know.

Cygnus,
Many do believe, but are too afraid of their professional selves being misaligned by following their hearts, instead of going with the flow. I think maybe that they don't realize how much harm they are doing to us, by denying what we know to be true...because we are still living it.

I never ever doubted anyone's claims of not remembering, or remembering something so lost and forgotten. While I never remembered my own abuse, all my life, I always felt somehow, that others were telling the truth about this.

Rowan,
You not outsider..here, you insider. Not broken more...just starting to understand what brokeness is there already. Me....I been getting lots of that eversince leaving future abusive ex-wife.

safe  if okay.

BlueBerry,
I found it rather ingenious, your coping method of hands on your belly. It's something that can be so easily explained away, if someone notices you doing it.

I heard said, once upon a time, that round is indeed a shape!  And if the shape you're in, is round..well...then...you're in shape! 
I never once imagined you being a danger to young children.
for feeling bad about exposing FOO in public. You are so brave, and I just want to tell you that. 

Sceal,
How incredibly brave to share this with us. I too love your body...as it is, for what it has done for you. Keeping us safe even when we don't realize it, is still very very important. I am so proud of you, too.
Safe  if okay.