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Wife also said that I deserved it. All of it. Deserved to be hit and abused by her. Deserved all the sa/r and other abuse in my life before her(the little bit that she does know about). Even the cpa.... even that...which started when I was 5-6.  I deserved that. She said.

San,
Yeah, you would think that. Was following the tweets,  relating to actor Terry Crews speaking at a Senate hearing about sa/r, today.  He bravely told about his experience with sa/r. This was all in support of a survivors of sa/r bill waiting to be voted on.

There was an incredible amount of hate and shaming among the male tweeters. I was totally shocked.  Rapper 50cent showed his true self, by mocking TC. Which will cost him a lot of fans.  Was quite triggered too. Couldn't help myself, though, I had to show my support for TC. Which means, I may have self-identified. Oh well, can't be proud of TC, while hiding in the shadows. I wasn't blatantly obvious, but one sharp eyed lady picked up on it. She was very sweet and kind to me.

Toxic masculinity, is what they call it, where other men victimize male survivors by calling them weak or gay, or soft and so on. So many of those toxic men were all about how they would have fought off the abuser, beat down and so on. Yet, they all were just perpetuating the cycle that plagues black men in general. The stereotype of them all being violent and angry. To harrass and mock a fellow man, who is showing support for a bill that would benefit ALL survivors, is quite callous and very short sighted.  See, Terry Crews is a rather large and muscular black man, aand his abuser/perpetrator was a much smaller, and older white male...who also happens to be in a position of power in Hollywood, and is also gay.  If Terry had lifted a finger against that man, the media would have vilified him, and made him the perpetrator, and the perp into the victim. Terry would have ended up in jail for defending himself, and the gay white man would have been glorified by the press. All of this happened in front of Terry's wife. She had spent years training Terry to respond gently and calmly, instead of anger. Terry said that himself.

That is exactly why most survivors, who don't tell, don't tell. Especially men. We are raised by society to be "manly" and telling goes against everythiing society expects of us. And if/when we do...we are then victimized and traumatized all over agiain by same society. 

Yes, the Melendez Brothers....just goes to show that abuse knows no boundaries, be it race, culture or financial status, or neighborhood.

The only support groups for men, that I've found or even heard of, caters to adult survivors of cpa/csa. I wouldn't be able to handle that, only focusing on my childhood, while ignoring so much of my life.  I know my parents church is forming a group for men, survivors of dv, but not adult sa.
And i do get the "white privelge" reference. I would aagree with you. So much stands in the way for men, generaly speaking, the belief that either men wanted it...gay, or it was consensual, be cuase men can't be r'd or sa.  I don't know how long it will be, before men come together as adult survivors of adult sa/r. Society doesn't believe we exist(just like Sasquatch!) so they don't really have to even acknowledge us. However, when notable men, like Terry Crews speak up and out, it does give me hope.  But, for those who come after me. I am too far away from believing it for myself. Maybe someday I can beleive for me tooo.

Thank you so much, San, for standing with me. I can't even begin to express how much that means to me. Nearly impossible to feel seen after being invisible for all my life. And I've recently had a terrible terrible thing happnen that has nearly shattered what's left of my broken heart. I'll share that in a later post, perhaps in it's own thread. Will be within the next few days. You won't be able to confuse it for anyhthing else. Making me get choket up thinking about it.

Lots of love and hugs for you too, my dear wonderful San.

Yogi,
CPTSD comes from long term exposure to the trauma..., where as PTSD comes from shorter duration events. Example, soldiers in war often develop PTSD from the traumas of war. But not CPTSD. However, it is quite common among POWs.  FOr us here, I'm quite sure, very few here, have military/war based ptsd. Or from being a Prisoner of War.  But that's not saying none of us. Just maybe few of us.
I've lived with PTSD since 1994. AS far as I recognized the symptoms in my daily life. I just didn't know that's what it was. As far as CPTSD..I don't know when that terminology was coined. And I sure never would have guessed that I actually had that. And now that most of my memories(I hope)have returned...it's definetely cptsd for me. 

All I can say is be gentle with yourself as you journey along this path.

Elphanigh,

I'm a little behind, trying to get caught up. Here ya go...

SE7, hi, been struggling to come here, but finally got my own computer in my room, so ... not have to worry about brother's family  seeing something  I don't want to have to explain or answer quesionts about.  But that only goes for that particular issue!  Or one of them being on it. 

I had to stop watching news and even most tv shows as more and more memories came back. Even now I watch very little news and I take each show on a case by case basis. I really enjoyed watching Law And Order; SVU. I was always rooting for Ice-T and Mariskay Hartigay, and so on, to get those evil perps and lock them away!  Have to be real careful with that one now.  I do wonder maybe, that subconciously, you were watching to see the justice being served to the evildoers.

Covert, yes! Soon to be ex was quite adept at that! Nobody knew or was aware, beyond my own kids.  I tried my best to not look like a beat down, whipped, broken man, when we were out in public together.

Thank you for including me. I really appreciate that.

Mods, if this need moved, I'm okay with that. Not sure where this goes.

Over the past month I  been hereing on the radio, adds for this or that organization, pushing to get men to sign a pledge to end dv at home.  After hearing that for 20-30 times, it dawned on me....I didnt' hear one single add pushing women to pledge same, leading up to Mother's day. 

I wanted to go to their website and tell them off. But thinking of that triggered me...so....never even went to website becasue I agree with that, we do need to end dv at home. But from both parents, not just dads only.

Also before Mother's day, my pastor made  a small reference to #metoo...in that men need to stop abusing women and children. Not people, once again, just only men.  Fully 1/3 of my abusers are female. And my 2 longest duration cycles of abuse... were females. The longest being 21 years, my future ex-wife. Then mom comes in at #2 with nearly 19 years. 

Not pointing fingers, just saying that males aren't the only ones. But society puts us in a bad light. ON tv, more often than not, we're portrayed as bumbling idiot helpless dads. Just becuase some of us are, isn't good enough. Regular everyman dad...is rarely seen or heard of, in the media. Even in real life...who's the one always getting blamed or treated like a suspicious character? Men.

Maybe I got it all wrong...I frequently do, becuause of my extensive trauma background.  I am often confused, or totally unaware of what's really going on.  I know I see things differently. So most often I stay to the edges of group discussions, or out of them all together.

Maybe should have just kept mouth shut about this. Sorry.  Mods can delete if this all wrong.

Hugs are always welcomed....but only from the front. Hugs from behind are too dangerous and trigger me.  Never had hugs from behind from good person, so far only bad ones.  But hugs from front where I see you coming, are always welcome!!!  .

Glad you like hug. Soft gentle and safe. Never give tight hugs or hold on too long if other trying to end hug. Sceal, you be great great person and have wonderful safe body. Outsiders have no idea or understanding why we do what we do. OR why our bodies do what it do.  WE here, we do, we get it, cuz some of us even do it too.

Blueberry,
Sometimes who we think are friends, turn out to be just...friends of the moment, or friends in relation to a shared interest. Like work friends...friends at work, but away from work, not really. The only time I ever associated with any work friends, away from work, was when I was in the Marines. I lived with some of them...so...it was easier to be friends away from work that way.

I did hang around with one Marine who many others thought was not a good person, but I never saw that side of him. I guess he just rubbed them the wrong way.  I never felt anything beyond genuine friendship, as much was we could be. But when he got out of the Marines and moved back home, our friendship ended.

I do hope things will go better with your other friend, even if that relationship is over, as well. A better parting I wish for you.

Hi  and welcome, Seeking Solace.

 

Hi Shankara,

I think you are perfectly normal...for one who's lived the life that we have lived. That you're married shows that you do want personal relationships, even if you can't get beyond the thinking of it, part.  While I have felt this way for most my adult life...invisible and such. I've gone out of my way to limit how much of us we share with others. Only a very few others IRL know anything personal, that is, of my trauma history.

WE would love to be friend with you. WE see you, see your hurts and pain. WE can sit and be quiet friends, or chatty, what ever you like. We like listening, and really good at it too.

LIttle Shankara, we hear and see you, too. You very important to us. K? We happy to let you go in front, and listen you talk.  We good friends with San. She special special friend. She good listener too.

California Dreaming....we be friends for you too, if you like.

Hi big and little hopes!!! 

WE don't remember being scared of dark, but, we always had lights on for twin brother, so ... maybe it worked out for us too.  WE did have(and still do  ) such nighmares that m would come to wake us, so we'd stop screaming in terror and wake our brouthers up. No comforting, that we rememver either. 

Little hope, is okay to have little lights on. REally, is okay. You not need be scared, kk?  We sorry you m turned light off, that not nice at all. Little bitty light not hurt no one, so is okay leave it on. We would leave light on for you.

Lots of times we write like this, cuz big Andy sometmes can't do it too well. So spelling gets messy too. But we a team of Andys so we stick together and help.  Big Andy can write just fine, but hims feelings and head thoughts get too muvh for him and we help so he don't hurts his inside head too much.   WE gets in trouble if big Andy goes away, cuz we maybe say things that makes moderators unhappy.

I know about head banging togehter too. Worst concussion I've experienced to date, was from M crashing my twin-brother's head and mine, together.  Knocked me out, head hit floor for 2X damage...TBI. Was not right for at least 2 weeks afterwards. This was maybe about 6-12 months after my first, a playground accident, that caused bl**ding from my R ear and broke R collarbone too. The known effects from that one lasted about a 7-10 days.  Ended up with 50% hearing loss from that ear. Was maybe 6-7 years old. I remember after regaining conciousness, having to hold on to grocery cart, to stay on my feet. Oh, didn't I say? She did this in a grocery store, left us laying on the floor and went on shopping. I had OOBE then, remember seeing myself lying on floor, not moving. Then walking behind myself once on my feet again.

AFter that is when Things in my head were no longer same as they had been. Like add symptoms and more.

I think it would be a passive, indirect form of csa. Same as being in same room while others engage in "closeness".

AS for your csa, MFTB, curious or not, was/is most definitely csa/r. Sorry.

Hi Hope,
Trying to get a little cuaght up, while keeping somehwat current on my journal too. Been too long away from here and my other community. Was too muhc, too overwhelming to even think of coming here. But Since I recently started new t(who is totally faboulous!) I've felt that I can handle here and my other place.

Little Hope, sweetheart, you are a precious gem, as beautiful as any flower imagineable. we are so so sorry you had no privacy when bathing. We never did, till big teenager, then mommy stayed out. But by then we lived in a house that mommy and daddy had their own private bath, so no real reason for mommy to come to ours anymore. Mommy used to walk in on us all the time too. Sometimes we hide under the bubbles in water, she not see us so easy then.

We know aobut tickles too....too much, can't breathe...

Little HOpe, we say you so very very brave sharing here with Big Hope.  Can give big hugs??? if safe?  little andy not so big so his big hug is really kinda little. But him like giving hugs to special friends who need them. He think you so smart and brave to talk and share with Big Hope


Dream with big moths...make us wonder. Make us a little uneasy...big things scare us sometimes.


Hi little libby!!! We sorry you not have safe bath times either.


Big Hope, when she crashes through you...is that cuz she wants to feel that safe gentle love too? Sound like that what she wants. We not have that, maybe cuz we boys, and you girls? The reaction, not getting love, I mean. WE do feel hurts and pain or scares when little andy get s them .  Sometimes he get lonely and scared at nightime, so we  squeeze our stuffed puppy tight and curl up under blankets on bed.


Little hope, you not alone anymore, not have to be afraid no more either. We friends here, can be friends for you, too, if you like. little andy not have very many friends cuz him lose some friends the other week.


Hope, I find it quite curious, when you mentioned being in the same room while they were being close. Both of my brothers have said that they have heard through the walls, at various places we've lived. And one brother is completely deaf in one ear. Yet, I, who does have some hearing loss, but not as severe, can't remember ever hearing a single sound that sounded like they were being close. Only explanation I can come up with is that my mind blocked it out becuase of everything else. So our ears heard but our mind didn't listen.


How you mean not able to fanticize? Like day dream? Or sexually? We survived on fantasies. When younger, it was superhero stuff or other things. But to make it through s*x with abusive wife, fantacized about others. Maybe we sound pathetic, now, huh? Is okay. we used to it.


It not awful that you share here, dear sweet Hope. Not at all. Is very brave. Besides we all here have our own scary dark things too. Nothing wrong with you at all. Nothing.  You very very  brave. 
Andy