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It's hard to sum up how I've been. Every day there's some anxiety spike over something or other. What varies is the intensity and the longevity.

But while I still feel a background hum of worry even on the best of days, I am, on the whole, continuing to develop a greater sense of agency in my life. My continued wellness routine, a commitment to downtime, and loving support from my partner are helping me to change my inner narrative from negative to neutral to positive. The 11 years I previously spent in therapy didn't hurt either. It's like ice melting very slowly, but it's happening.

I also turned 50 years old recently. And there's something about both getting older and reaching a milestone birthday that help give me permission to let go of more, to care less about negative people, and to believe more deeply than ever that I am capable. Capable of what? Just getting through each day and of managing life and my emotional responses to it.

This growing sense of--dare I say--freedom is the best birthday gift I could ever give myself.

Thanks, all. I'm doing a bit better now.

Some of it has been learning to shift my focus to the things that matter--my wellness, nature, and kind people. It's not that my actions feel any different. But I'm trying to center the positive elements of my life and really sink into an appreciation of them.

I left the house for the first time in over 3 days.

It's not good for me, I know. Or maybe I should say it's too much of a good thing. As an introvert and a homebody, I truly enjoy time by myself. But I think I'm pushing it.

Some short trips, especially a visit to my sister before she moved out of the country, have used up a lot of energy lately. My sister's place was filthy and chaotic, and it was difficult for me to spend any time there.

I'm stressed about work deadlines and don't feel like I'm as effective as I should be. (I try to remind myself that a year and a half ago, I was worried about not having *enough* work.) And while I love working from home, it also can contribute to isolation.

I'm managing. I'm doing yoga and meditating for wellness. I'm also taking OTC sleeping pills now and then to ensure that I'm getting enough rest. But it's too hot outside for the walks in nature that are so restorative for me.

I have social time scheduled this weekend with friends. Honestly, though, I just feel lackluster about it right now. I need to remind myself that I almost always enjoy it when I'm actually out with them.

I don't know. I guess I just needed to vent here, to get the words out instead of holding the feelings in. Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read this. I know you're also going through your own stuff. So know that I appreciate you taking a moment to look over my thoughts.

Having a tough mental health day. Slept poorly last night. And I had a doctor's appointment today.

I hate going to the doctor. Some stranger pokes and prods my body and asks invasive questions? No thank you.

But I know it's good for me. So to the ophthalmologist I went for the first time in more than 15 years.

I honestly wouldn't have been able to make the appointment without the support of my partner. I love him for it, but I hate that I can't do some adult things on my own.

And yet I hear a quiet voice inside that says, "You asked for help when you needed it, and that's a grown up thing to do."

Yeah, I guess. I just feel wiped out afterwards. So, I watched stupid videos and ate gelato. And now I'm in bed early. I'm going to read before heading to sleep and see what tomorrow looks like.

I did a difficult thing for me today, my quarterly taxes. That might not seem like a big deal to many, but I *hate* forms and finances. I tend to get overwhelmed, feel incompetent, and can spiral into a profoundly illogical scarcity mentality.

So, I girded my loins, meditated this morning, made sure to eat breakfast, showered and dressed, and jumped in. And I did it and felt proud afterwards.

But now I'm having some aftershocks and feeling on edge. A client sent edits to a first draft of a proposal I wrote. And now my inner critic is having a field day. "They hated it. You did a sh*t job. You're no good at this, and they won't want to work with you anymore." That sort of thing.

I'm trying to let these two states coexist, pride that I finished an important task and this low-energy, post-effort state where I'm more vulnerable to self-criticism and anxiety.

Progress doesn't have to be "pure" for it to still count as progress. We can have forward motion and still carry unwanted baggage along the way because we haven't been able to set it down for good yet.

My plan is to meditate again and maybe nap, process a little with my partner when he's home from school, and buy myself some snacks for my online Dungeons & Dragons game tonight. Snacks and silliness sound pretty good right about now!

Thank you both. I was doing so much better today. I had two great work phone calls, with one that might lead to a new client.

Then while I was relaxing this evening, my partner asked me a question about jobs and income in my field (the nonprofit sector).

And my anxiety suddenly went through the roof. My inner critic was saying things like. "He thinks you're not making enough money. You're a failure." Etc.

I did yoga then tried to read in bed but was still spiking. My partner asked me what was up. Although I was embarrased, I told him. He said he had meant nothing of the sort and was just generally curious.

I also just realized that my sister recently losing her job is probably contributing to this acute scarcity mentality I've been having.

I'm coming down a little now. But I'm worried that I'll have trouble getting to sleep. On the other hand, this experience has sapped a lot of my energy. So, maybe I'll be able to drift off after all.

Some mornings, my anxiety wakes up shortly after I do. Unless I've had a bad dream, I may feel OK at first. But then my inner critic is up and starts whispering in my ear, "That thing you were going to do today is too big for you. Oh, and you forgot to do this other really important thing. You can't handle life. Best to give up and just stay in bed."

The temptation to remain under the covers in strong, as the litany of negative self-talk increases. But I can sometimes hear a quieter but truer voice that says, "We feel this way sometimes in the morning. But once we start moving, it tends to calm down." And I've learned to just make myself get up and start my day.

I splash some water on my face and make my morning cup of tea. I even meditated this morning. (I meditate every day, but usually not first thing. I may try making this adjustment to my routine as well, perhaps with some specific confidence-building guided meditations.)

My anxiety and self-doubt are still here. But it's like more of me is awake to provide a counter-narrative. Here's to all of us who struggle each day and still choose to get up and try our best.

Sleep is such a mystery to me. Even when I don't have outright nightmares, my brain can remain active at night. Sometimes this makes drifting off difficult. At other times, I have uncomfortable dreams (everyday stress-related scenarios, themes of social anxiety, etc.). And then I also frequently experience vivid dreaming, which can even be pleasant or outright entertaining, but still contributes to a lack of mental downtime and rest.

Today for example, I'm up typing this at 6:30 AM on a Sunday during a holiday weekend, when I could be sleeping in after dreaming about being back in school and not knowing my class schedule. (I think of this as type of classic dream for many.) But then I felt it devolving into something else even less pleasant. So, when I woke up, I decided that was enough, and here I am at my laptop.

I still got pretty decent sleep overall, at least I think so. There are times when I can't tell the quality of rest I had until later in the day. If I feel myself getting shaky or dissociating frequently, it usually confirms that my brain's been working on something, and I really didn't get the deep rest that everyone needs.

All that said, on the whole my sleep is better than it used to be. Nightmares have become less frequent (but still happen unpredictably). Yet dreams of struggling, arguing, and fighting back have increased. It feels like these are "downgraded nightmares" in a way, as if my unconscious realizes more of my overall power.

But still I struggle. So many of these dreams are of uncertainty: I'm lost in an airport and can't find my gate; I have a flight leaving imminently, but I don't have my ticket or passport; I have to take a test when I just showed up to class for the first time, or I arrived for what I thought was the first session of a course only to find it's the final day.

Maybe I'll trying crawling back in bed now and see if I can catch a few more zzzzs. Here's hoping you're all able to get adequate or even excellent sleep!

Hugs gratefully accepted.

And I hope you both are able to navigate the complexities of the holidays as well.

Feeling restless and listless at the same time. And whiny. It's the pre-holiday blahs, I'm certain of it.

My partner's going to work event, and I'm at home not sure what to do with myself. I've always loved unstructured time. But around the holidays, it becomes a detriment. I feel unmoored.

I don't know. I don't feel like writing. I enjoyed the last book I got from the library very much. But the newest one is just OK.

I hear the tone of all this as I'm writing. I'm just not sure how to shake it off.

Bad dreams last night, two of them that I can remember.

The first was my "classic" nightmare--someone's in my house who shouldn't be there. I never see them. They're always out of the corner of my eye, or I hear their footsteps.

I woke up from this, as always, absolutely terrified. Sometimes I have to get out of bed to check for the person in real life. This time I didn't. And I was able to process it somewhat in my groggy, half-asleep state. "This was that bad dream again. It's because we were abused and didn't feel safe at night. That was then. This is now."

Thankfully, I got back to sleep pretty quickly. But then I had a social anxiety dream about my old work place and the boss who laid me off. In in, I didn't know my status or my role, and I couldn't even find a chair for my desk! While less jarring than the other dream, it was still unsettling.

So, I'm up writing this entry and a nascent novel for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I feel a little shaky around the edges. But tea is helping, as is processing here. I also feel a little wary about what the rest of the day will be like. Perhaps a nap is in order?

Offering you a solidarity fist bump! That's a huge step, and I hope it helps to further your path to wholeness.

Yesterday I was at a work meeting about an upcoming training I'll be co-delivering next month. The workshop will be for vulnerable human rights activists and will include aspects of self-care as well as how to incorporate diversity into their work.

My colleagues and I are keenly aware that the trainees have been through a lot, and we were meeting to plan how our training can be as trauma-informed as possible. That's when I decided to come out as a trauma survivor and as someone with C-PTSD.

I just couldn't keep talking about trauma in the abstract. And I wanted to also be able to offer "insider" tips on avoiding and dealing with being triggered. I trust these colleagues, and they were great.

But today I'm feeling a little shaky. It came over me all at once late this afternoon. I've eaten, drank water, and am wearing my favorite zip hoodie. My plan now to curl up in bed and watch a sci-fi movie or show on my laptop for some fantasy escape.

I'm really proud of myself. If and when we're able to share aspects of our struggles and successes, it can go a long way to destigmatize mental illness. And yet it's a deeply personal choice that can carry real consequences with it. This decision is not for everyone. But for me, when I'm able to share, it's brought a sense of real relief.

Hi, saylor. Wow. I identify so much with what you said. And there are multiple levels to it.

I also lived in constant fear growing up from an abusive, mentally ill parent and bullies at school. Learning to live a "life of the mind," especially reading, became a refuge for me.

Now I get paid to think for a living (writing, fundraising, and advising on diversity). To have that impinged upon by my C-PTSD recovery is like insult to injury. Not only am I frustrated by the change in my ability to perform at work, but it frightens me because I feel like part of my identity has been taken away. I've also found myself worrying because my wellness routine (daily yoga and meditation) only seems to take the edge off the fog sometimes.

But I'm trying to take it day by day and remind myself that I have tools at my disposal (self-care, asking for help, writing on this forum) to help me make it through this period.

This is a poem I wrote that was accepted for publication in Barking Sycamores, a magazine about neurodivergent literature and art.

"Therapy as a Full-Time Job"
by Randal Mason

You've been preparing for it
All day
It's lodged in the back of your mind
Forces
Your attention now and then
Like the neighbor's dog
Barking
When all you crave is quiet
You collect
The week's worth of dreams—
And there have been some doozies—
Try and remember to eat
Or not eat too much
What are your issues with food again?
After more than a decade in therapy
You think you'd have this down
Steeling yourself
Preparing to open
And polish your obsidian core
To a dull shine
Find (appropriate) distraction
Where you will
But there are only so many meals in a day—
There we go, food again—
Only so many songs, cups of coffee
Only so many ways
To keep the dread at bay