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An attempt at gratitude.

I'm not always so great at regular gratitude practices. I find myself rebelling after a short time. "Oh, yeah?! If everything's so wonderful, then what about this, this, and this!" I know the point isn't that everything is sunshine and roses all of the time. It's about noticing what is going well so that the good becomes a more prominent focus in your life.

I get it. And still it's hard for me. I fear I don't deserve the good. And I'm afraid of letting my guard down on some deep internal level instead of constantly monitoring my environment for the next bad thing.

Like I said, embracing gratitude is challenging for me. But I'm going to do it anyway. Here's what I'm grateful for right now:

* The warm mug of tea in my hand
* That I have the morning off
* The yummy leftovers waiting for me in the fridge
* That work has been plentiful
* That today is supposed to be a beautiful pre-spring day
* That my partner was really responsive to the concerns I raised last night
* That I got halfway decent sleep
* That I've been able to maintain a more intense exercise routing for 3 months now

I'm reading this as I write, and I almost feel like someone's punched me in the gut. I don't like it that good stuff can be scary. Part of me doesn't trust it. But I'm working on it bit by bit.

What are you grateful for right now?

In tonight's anxiety report...

I did something I've been putting off--sending a message to a friend to say I was leaving his gaming group. That might not seem like such a big deal to some folks. But I'm guessing people on this forum get it. I was worried about awkwardness or even outright anger. And you know what? It was fine. He said he was sorry to see me go, and then we moved on the chatting about books.

And for a few hours, I felt normal. I had energy. I took out the trash, put out fresh towels, and changed the sheets on the bed. And then I opened my email.

There was a message from a client, asking if we could talk earlier than scheduled tomorrow. And I thought, "Uh, oh. She hated my first draft." And maybe she did. And maybe she didn't. But I noticed my rush to catastrophize.

I wasn't sure what to do about it that moment. I was sad that my good feeling had fled, as such generalized positivity can be so rare for me. So, I did some conscious breathing. Nothing big, just extended exhalations.

And then I did some self talk. "You know, you and she want the same thing, a good product. And there is *plenty* of time to work on the next draft. So, why not approach the call tomorrow in the spirit of collaboration? You've worked with her before, and you know you get along."

I'm not saying that I magically felt better. But reframing the situation helped. And I didn't withdraw from the world. I sent some non-work emails to a couple of friends, as opposed to shutting down socially, which I tend to do when stressed.

So, here's hoping I get some good sleep. I think heading to bed a little early is the ticket.

Thank you all for the empathy. It makes a huge difference to know I'm not alone in this struggle.

I don't know what to do when I feel angry. For *decades* I didn't allow myself to experience a lot of my emotions (except fear/terror/anxiety). Now that I'm older, it's coming up more and more.

I had terrible models for anger growing up, two polar opposites in fact. My abuser would lose her sh*t at the drop of a hat. She could be all chaos and rage over the littlest of things. And from this I learned to equate anger and violence/abuse.

My father was almost completely emotionally shut down. I only saw him angry once, and I only saw him cry once. And he never stood up to my abuser, not one single time.

So, now I'm 50 years old, and I'm still trying to figure out when and where it's "OK" to experience anger, how much anger is "appropriate" in any given situation, how to express it, and how to stay in my body while feeling it.

Coupled with this is an overwhelming sense of disconnection from people, including those I'm closest to. I get so frustrated and want to just leave everyone and everything behind and start all over someplace new.

It's clear that anger and avoidance are linked for me. I just don't know what to do about it. Exercise helps. Writing helps. It's just not enough sometimes.

I've traveled a lot for work and have had to manage my emotions while on the road or in the air. I love visiting old and new places, but it can be challenging.

Firstly, I over prepare. By planning everything, researching where I'm going, double-checking reservations, and deciding what I need to pack all gives my busy brain something practical to focus on.

I put a lot of thought into what I'm wearing. Having layers on makes me feel more protected. For warmer climates, though, I have to make do with looser clothing that doesn't make me feel restricted.

Think about what comfort items you'll need. For me that's at least one book (whether is read it or not), a notebook (whether I write in it or not), and my old, worn zip hoodie. If you didn't pack something like that, maybe stop by a book store or wherever and get yourself a little something that reminds you of who you are/makes you feel comfortable.

Remember your wellness routine. For me that's daily exercise and meditation. That can easily be thrown off with travel. But it's also easy for me to substitute my usual workout routine with lots of walking around the place I'm visiting (bonus if it's a park or other nature spot). Also, staying hydrated is key for me.

Sleep is challenging at the best of times for me, and  travel can throw it off even more. So, I negotiate with my partner about when we'll get up (he's a morning person), when we'll take a nap, and when I need a break from stimulation. He usually knows when crowds are getting too much for me, and he'll pull me into a little bookstore or a quiet cafe where I can reenter myself.

I hope this helps!

Some snapshots of what's up with me:

Post-holiday blues combined with a slow start to the year work-wise means I don't have many distractions from my thoughts and feelings.

My daily exercise is more intense now, which is good for my overall health and often helps tremendously with my mood. But it can also unlock body memories.

I was miserable for a few days with acute anxiety and near-constant "bad feeling." There was something atmospheric about it that made it hard for me to rise above my emotions and find my center. I've been improving in fits and starts but still feel highly sensitive and don't have much energy.

My partner told me last night that he was getting up early today. But apparently my subconscious didn't get the memo. He was getting ready and came back in the bedroom around 5 AM. I woke up terrified. As a child, my abuse sometimes happened at night. And I have an ongoing series of nightmares about my abuser coming into my room while I'm sleeping.

I was able to eventually go back to sleep and, strangely, dreamed that I confronted my abuser, whom I haven't seen in over 20 years. She sat across the table from me at a restaurant. She was going on about her life (read: Narcissist). Finally I interrupted her and said something like, "Well, a lot of things happened to me in my childhood that I wish never had." And I fixed her with a stare. She replied, "I don't think you understand. I came here to say goodbye."

The waitress had trouble bringing the right check, which, unfortunately meant that my abuser and i had more time together. But for some reason, she wandered off, although I could still hear parts of her conversation with another person in the dream.

I don't know what to make of it. But I hope the dream means that I'm moving beyond these challenging last few weeks. I'm exhausted this morning but also kind of proud that I stood up for myself on a deep, subconscious level.

Yeah, nightmares suck. And I always feel extra self-conscious when I'm making noise out loud from them.

I've processed nightmares in therapy, in my journal, with my partner, and here in this forum. It usually helps. But sometimes I just want to forget about a particular bad dream and get on with my day.

I haven't tried self-defense explicitly. But I exercise daily, which helps me to manage my emotional state overall.

Good luck.

I'm going to tell you something you already know: nightmares suck. And I've been having a lot of them of late, including last night.

Thankfully, I don't remember the content of the most recent one, a minor consolation. And at the time, my partner rolled over and simply held me until I fell back asleep, a *major* consolation.

But, man, am I tired of bad dreams that shake me to my core. Because of many years of therapy and other forms of healing (meditation, yoga, journaling, etc.), on the whole, I've been able to go weeks, sometimes months without a nightmare. But they're back with a vengeance.

Sometimes I have a sense of what brought them on, like a specific scene from the horror movie I watched last night. Yet at other times, I have no idea. Did my exercise routine that day activate some body memory? Did someone I meet trigger a negative association? I know that I've been under a lot of work stress for a project that we finalized yesterday. (Huzzah!)

I guess the real takeaway for me in this thread, though is about resilience. Nightmares in the moment are terrible. They interrupt sleep and sometimes make it difficult or even impossible to drift off again. They leave me tired and shaken. BUT, they haven't been following me into my day as much.

I notice that I pretty much shrug them off and say, "Well, that sucked." And I go on with my routine. It's good, on the whole. If only I didn't have to deal with so many nightmares in the first place. You feel me?

Thanks! And here's to your efforts as well. Recognizing moments of anxiety for what they are is such an important piece. That's when we can start making choices instead of just reacting. But yeah, there's that interim state where we see anxiety for what it is but don't feel quite able to do things that make a shift. It can be so frustrating.

Stay strong.

I had a massive work project where, as a consultant, I was in charge of managing a proposal process. Someone on the client's team was the main writer, which is my usual--and preferred--role. He underperformed, and the deadline was fast approaching. It turns out, he had never written a proposal before, which no one seemed to know about ahead of time.

So, I spend three stressful days, where I worked long hours and basically rewrote the whole thing. I had trouble sleeping because I was worried about everything getting done, fretful about my reputation with this client, and just had trouble turning my brain off at night after going gangbusters with writing and editing.

When I submitted it to the client, it took them most of the day to review it. And I had difficulty relaxing until I got their feedback. Long story short, they loved it! That's good news. But I'd also like to be able to function better even without external validation, professional or otherwise.

I know we all need affirmation to some degree. But my childhood programming comes slamming back during times of stress and/or when I have a lack of clear feedback. "I'm not good enough." "I'm lazy." And if I don't do things just right, it only confirms my lack of worth. *Plus* it means I'm going to be punished/abused.

I'm doing better but still feel moody and sensitive. Today was my first day off in about two weeks, and my partner and I had three social events to go to. I couldn't face it all and asked if we could skip one. He agreed, but I could tell he was disappointed. (He's an extrovert.)

I felt guilty about it and got worried that he was mad at me--childhood programming again. We talked about it, and he said it wasn't a big deal.

I just hate getting so wrapped up in others' emotions. I long to be centered in a way that the moods and opinions of others don't have the potential to rock me to my core.

I get it, brain. You're trying to protect me. Being on high alert about our abuser's emotions never provided protection really. But it was a form of an early alert system. And while it was far from foolproof, at least we could see the crazy coming sometimes.

In the end, I can see both the progress I've made and how far I still have to go. It's just hard to hold both simultaneously. You know?

ENERVATED [EN-er-vey-tid] adjective: without vigor, force, or strength; languid.

I guess accomplishments can come at a cost. I don't mean hugely, like a Pyrrhic victory or anything so grand, but in a quieter, everyday sort of way.

For example, today I got a physical at the doctor. And I scheduled it and went on my own, since my partner was busy. This is a *big* deal for me.

I've written before about how I hate the thought of a stranger poking and prodding my body. I have intense anxiety about the process *and* potential outcomes. What are they going to find? What might be wrong with me? (Read: classic catastrophic thinking.)

There was a period for five years where I couldn't bring myself to get a physical. That's how anxious and conflicted I was about the whole thing. But I've done a lot of therapy and other work on myself, and I'm blessed with a supportive partner who gently encourages me and cheers me on.

And then I got home after today's appointment. And I felt completely sapped of strength. I just curled up on the couch feeling...not sad or depressed but kind of weepy around the edges. I couldn't even find something stupid to watch on the Internet.

Am I in the worst kind of place? Far from it. But I am wiped out and want to do nothing.  So, I need to put some conscious thought into aftercare.

I did take myself out to eat afterward (because: fasting before blood work), and tonight I'm playing a game online with friends. That should be light and interactive.

I don't know. I guess this is both a win post and a note to my future self. Even as I get stronger, I need to remember to plan for ways to take care of myself before, during, and after I've tackled something big. Aftercare is valuable partly a reinforcing reward, but it'll also help me to get back to center and get on with my life.

I hate feeling overwhelmed so easily. I know everyone can and does feel terribly strained at times. But with having C-PTSD, it can be a daily occurrence or even happen several times in rapid succession.

It's exhausting.

After many years of therapy and other forms of healing, I'm able to, more and more, pause and reflect on what's triggered me and take corrective action. This can take the form of challenging negative, self-defeating thinking, meditating, talking or writing out what's bothering me, burning off anxiousness with exercise, etc.

But that's also work, and, despite things being better on the whole, it still takes a lot of effort.

There are things that trigger me where I understand the root cause, such as filling out forms or going to see the doctor. But other times, the "why" is a complete mystery. (See my earlier entry about emptying out the dishwasher.)

I've come to understand that when I experience free-floating anxiety or when my emotional reserves are low, I'm more easily triggered by just about anything. This vexes me in addition to having to deal with the core surge of anxiety, and it makes it difficult to explain what's going on to my always patient partner.

I need to give myself credit where credit is due. I may never live a life completely free of acute anxiety. But I can also remind myself that I have more tools and more support than I ever have before. And that's something worth acknowledging and even celebrating.

Thanks, everyone.

And, Three Roses, your comment is especially poignant.

True Trauma Confessions: Today I got stressed and anxious about having to empty the dishwasher.

Was it the worst anxiety spike I've ever experienced? No. But it made me wonder why. Why do some apparently banal tasks feel so laden for me sometimes?

While I was growing up, my primary abuser would often lose her sh*t over the state of the house. She would scream her head off at my sister and me and spew guilt-inducing diatribes that we weren't doing enough. It's not that she had assigned us specific chores that we weren't doing, mind you. But she became overwhelmed with her internal state and her own undiagnosed childhood trauma and projected it all on us.

But there's an additional layer. While today is actually a light day for me work-wise and task-wise, I feel tired. Tired still from the nightmare of two evenings ago. Tired from processing something with my partner yesterday. And tired from just navigating my own emotions and concerns.

I think this contributes to making an everyday task feeling larger than it actually is. I hear the screaming and accusations from my childhood. And I sometimes feel so damn worn out from managing my feelings and reactions. Just being in the world as someone with C-PTSD can take so much energy.

It's not that I'm in a bad place. In fact, I think it's because I'm experiencing a growing sense of agency that I can unpack some of the more "minor" things that I can sometimes avoid.

I just want to get to a place where I can do the things I need to do without them being so emotionally charged. But, hey, if it takes a little while to process some of what I'm feeling first and then I can still get them done, I'll take it.

Have you every had a bad dream turn into a good thing?

For much of my life, I've had a major reoccurring theme to my nightmares. Someone either breaks into my living space or a shadowy figure is there who shouldn't be. I've had nightmares about other topics, of course, but this invasion scenario inevitably wakes me up in terror.

Last night, I dreamed that three men were doing work on a nearby utility pole. They kept making disparaging and vaguely threatening remarks like I wasn't there.

Then they came down and just walked into my place like they owned it. They laughed and taunted me when I told them to get out.

At this point, I half woke up and somehow began to change the narrative. In my half-dazed state, I took control, talking to the men like I owned the place (go, agency!) and began taking practical steps to get them out.

I'm tired today, but this sense of having stood up for my boundaries has stuck with me. It's made me think of pragmatic ways in real life where I've been owning my power and the areas that I still need to work on.

Ultimately, I want to develop a deep and abiding sense of my own agency and boundaries that isn't shaken by the presence or needs of others. And I think I'm getting there bit by bit.