Loss of hope, loss of faith in people, what comes after

[ah]

I used to think losing hope and losing faith in people would be crushing, that nothing would lie beyond it. I'd be like a dead scorched desert. But some terrible things have happened to me in the past few months that were worse than previous experiences, and I gave up.

I'm not well to put it mildly, but I survived. It's not a good thing to survive this sort of thing I guess, but my opinion wasn't required. And it doesn't matter. It wasn't earth shattering for me personally either, it was banal. I guess I realized I was naive and eventually stopped wishing, hoping, dreaming, fantasizing, asking, imagining.

It strengthened a sort of split in me, where there's a part of me that responds the second it recognizes someone else's pain, that cares deeply about others' pain. But that's where it ends.

I guess I'm not sure I think much of it, which is ironically the point too. So I don't see any point in trying hard to change my emotions. But I wanted to ask what others thought.
(It's the old split again... I don't see why my situation matters, but I see why yours does, and why your thoughts do.)

[radical]

For me that split is seeing myself as an object and others as subject.  An inversion of narcissism and no less crazy.  It's about not experiencing life, the world, other people as through my self*, which exaggerates others' importance in my mind and minimises my own.
I don't know if anyone else can identify with this.  It took experiencing differently to even see what the problem was.

I feel the solution for me is trauma body work of different kinds - putting myself back in my body, at the centre of experience, as per the reality of all experience, imo.


I was also badly hurt by other people and a magnet for toxic people of all kinds.  it makes sense.  I was pre-objectified, that's like being signed sealed and delivered for exploiters.  It would have stood out a mile.

You do matter Ah.  I have found it necessary to do everything I can to teach myself to matter deeply to myself.

*precognitive self, not 'identity'.

edit to add - for me "giving up" was an important first step in finding solutions - I no longer had a scrap of hope that this way of being led to anywhere other than *.

[woodsgnome]

Ah wrote: "I don't see any point in trying hard to change my emotions."

Maybe if there was this point, it would only satisfy the old nagging egoic voice, encouraged by the snarly inner critic, that there's something wrong with your outlook. It's not that you lack compassion for yourself or lack what you feel for others, but as you've repeatedly learned there are many abusers incapable of receiving the compassion you bring. Any hope and/or faith placed in them has already been betrayed. It was there, your gift for them to claim, but they've turned it back. In that way turning from their falseness was only natural on your part. They haven't demonstrated that they understand this, and sadly have crossed into pleasing their egos and losing you.

Even without hope, there's still this candle we each carry within. We wanted to share it, and sometimes our compassion can't help but show our caring. This isn't anything to be regarded as hopeful, it's just there. But if others can't see it, there's also nothing you can do to counter them, but just live as best you can, without an artificial prop called hope.   

I guess maybe this is what's meant by surrender; which isn't a negative but may be the only true refuge we'll ever know. Referencing your other post about vulnerability, yours is a gentler and more steady flame than that over-heated ultra sadistic fire shown by the abusers.

May your steady candle stay the course; it may not be of benefit to the abusers, but it's very empowering for many (myself, for starters) here to see and be reminded of the values nestled in our hearts. 

[Libby183]

Dear Ah.

I never feel that I have much to offer on this forum,  but I just wanted to say that I very much relate to all of your posts, and in this one,  to the feelings of hopelessness.  I think that is what consumes me most of the time.

I think that Radical's description is spot on. I wonder if it resonates with you too, Ah?

Years into no contact with my parents,  and at the age of fifty plus, I still do something,  however mundane, but my initial thought about the action is always with regards to my parents.  Radical is so right,  I think. Our cruel and insensitive treatment didn't allow us to become people who mattered,  to ourselves or to others. No wonder we feel hopeless.

At least here, we are accepted as "real people"  with "real emotions".

I am standing by you, Ah.

Libby