My life is a rollercoaster and right now I'm climbing

[Gashfield]

Hello all

I grew up in a violent household, and was sexually abused by a number of people but specifically repeatedly by my stepfather over a period of five years.  I left home and went straight into a relationship with a violent alcoholic for three years.  I have had what I call "crisis periods" all my life which last between six months and 2 years, interspersed with periods of what I call normality.  My version of normality is not the same as that of my peers.  I regularly have nightmares and sensory flashbacks but I can generally cope with those.  I can't cope very well with the crisis periods, when the nightmares are often continuous and my flashbacks are triggering on super sensitive.  I don't want to sleep because its so horrible and I have wet the bed when I have a really horrid one.  I cannot read my own emotions unless they are overwhelming and usually that's when I am scared or upset.

I don't always see a crisis coming and I don't always recognise immediately that I am in crisis.  The initial period when one side of your head is trying to work out what is happening and the other side is telling you to run us terrifying.  And I do run, sometimes into bushes, which is not only pointless but embarassing and it's impossible to explain to others why I did that (once I've worked it out myself that is), because they will never understand it.

I am really pleased to find this site, I am hoping to speak with others who can help me and who I can help or just find some people who get it.  Thank you for reading my post.

[Kizzie]

Hi Gashfield and welcome to OOTS!     That feeling you describe of "Run" is the instinctive part of your brain reacting to what it perceives as real danger while the thinking side is shutting down so you can move or freeze or whatever you need to do to deal with the danger.  It's dizzying and downright frightening I know.  When it happens you can end up in a bush as you have or in my case hiding in my closet. 

If you look at the top of the page you'll see a Glossary button - click on that and read about "amgydalla hijackings" and "emotional flashbacks" to get a better idea of what you may be experiencing. In my case it has gotten much better once I knew what was happening and why.  My EF's are not as strong and I can get my thinking part of my brain to work more quickly than I could before so I am able to calm or soothe myself before I get to the point where I'm hiding in the closet. Once you're better able to get that thinking part reactivated (and it takes practice), you are able to see that the danger is not life-threatening, and to understand that it may feel that way because something has triggered memories of childhood trauma. If you think of how a five year old reacts to danger it's that overwhelming fear that rises to the surface.

There are many people here who have experienced what you're dealing with and you will find that they are very welcoming and supportive. We do "get it" so I think you'll be glad you found your way here. Keep on posting !

[Jimmy]

Hello Gashfield,

Welcome. I was sorry to read about the symptoms you experience. I hope you find ways forward. It is important to find people who understand. Child abuse is more openly discussed now but I don't think enough people grasp the massive emotional and psychological carnage it leaves in people's lives. This leads to a lot of isolation in trying to deal with it. Like you, I was pleased to find this site.

Regards,

Jim

[C.]

Welcome Gashfield.  I am so sorry for what you experienced as a child and now.  It isn't easy, I know.  I am happy that you found this sight as well.  I think that you will find a lot of people who "get it" here.  I know what you mean about not understanding emotions until they are so big.  And about your noted pattern of crisis.  Sounds like you have some important awareness about yourself that are such a big part of healing.  I too look forward to learning together.

[Gashfield]

Thank you for your kind comments. I look forward to reading your comments on other topics and getting to know you all more