My story please comment

[Toughroad]

Hello. I just wanted to tell my story and maybe get a few answers.
As the partner ex partner  of 15yrs  to someone suffering from cptsd I am broken. I truly am. The deep despair I feel is incredible. I don't know how to go on anymore and am now questioning my own mental health. The toll of 15yrs of mistrust, jealously, cheating and lying had left me with no self esteem or confidence what so ever. We just split again and it seems to have no emotional effect on her at all. She has already moved on and doesn't seem to care at all or show any empathy at all. Even though diagnosed as c-ptsd she refuses to get treatment and after pressuring her to do so I am now a Narcissist and manipulator. I have been turned into a monster in her eyes and been accused of all sorts of wierd and wonderful things. Soon we are starting mediation and it seems that I am now the focus of her trauma. Everyday is a struggle with trying to process how she would rather walk away and start over than to get treatment.
Broken and shifting from love to resentment.

[Rainagain]

Ah TR,

This is so sad to hear.

I have been in the denial zone like your partner, I used to refuse to accept I had a problem, and if people pointed it out to me I saw it as them trying to manipulate me for their purposes.

I really believed that back then, it was my conviction but i now see i was wrong.

So they were a problem to me, completely reversing the true situation.

Mediation with you as the subject of discussion is just going to ignore the cptsd elephant in the room and cause you more pain and anguish.

You need to do what is best for you, your partner has defences against looking in the mirror so mediation will be tough on you.

She sees you as a threat, probably sees everything as threat/non threat like I used to.

So sorry to hear this.

[Bluevermonter]

Dear tough road,

I also am the ex of a cptsd person. She took all of her trauma out on me. She wanted me to behave in proscribed ways because she didn't want to get triggered. Her T's, as far as I can tell, never heard of CPTSD and therefore could never correctly diagnose and treat the both of us. I sat through therapy sessions with her and JADEd my way through them. It was exhausting. The T only heard that my "anger" was the problem. In the last year of our relationship, ex picked on me constantly and her behavior and her thinking spiraled out of control. And yes, she saw me as a monster she had to leave with no contact.

We were a couple for nearly 20 years. It's been 4 years since she abandoned me like a dog she didn't want anymore. Like your partner, there was no empathy and complete coldness. The no contact after all those years has emotionally killed me. I think that is part of her ability to "split," if that's the right term for it. From her point of view, she had to kill all her love for me so she could leave without it being her fault.

Her plan, as she briefly told me, in starting over reminded me of a newly minted college graduate off to discover the world, make tons of new friends, find utter fulfillment in every neat thing she did. Except she was over 60 with the full plate of physical issues that many with cptsd have.

Thanks to this forum, I learned that there are traumas she was unable to talk about. In some ways, her behavior toward me was her nonverbal child trying to say what happened to her or what she was forced to feel, if that makes sense.

I have no idea how this will turn out for you. I come here to this forum to remind myself to have empathy for her. I hope by learning about cptsd you will see a path to taking care of yourself.

[Rainagain]

Bluevermonter

I hear you, I've remained in touch with a partner I treated a bit like you were treated and I still care about them greatly, its so sad what cptsd does to people.

Cptsd isn't exactly a cause of delusion or hallucination, but it causes extreme over reaction which is hard to deal with, the amygdala demands to be heard, its loud and insistent.

Thank you for posting, it has really made me think.

TR, I think bluevermonter has captured what I was trying to say perfectly, but from your perspective.

[Bluevermonter]

Lol, rain again, it's only because I've had 4 years to think about it.

And thanks for your kind words too. I feel hugged.

So, tough road, I'll offer encouragement by saying that if my ex and I knew about cptsd before she entered crisis amygdala splitting zone, she and I might just might have been able to work through this.

Because after over 40 years of dealing with the consequences of her trauma, she really wanted help,  and learning about cptsd would have allowed us to ask the right questions.

Keep posting and educating yourself. That's where hope lies.

[Toughroad]

Thanks so much I appreciate your responses. We have 2 beatiful children 10 and 6 who I feel I've failed by not holding it together. I fear later resentment from her if I ever find myself happier than her. But most affecting on me is that I invested so much into being understanding and empathetic and all the while my emotional needs were left unattended. I now questioning my own judgement on the good in people as a whole. I have arranged for therapy to help me learn how to move on from it all.
Your comments mean alot thankyou

[Toughroad]

And by no means is this meant to offend anyone who is suffering from cptsd. ☺

[Rainagain]

Tough road,

You haven't failed if you can't hold it all together, you really haven't.

If you could have fixed it you would have, some things are beyond control.

I'm not sure if it helps but I became single when my girls were 5 and 7. They are now 22 and 24 and are doing great. We still have a close relationship.

I focussed on them, your relationship with your two children is something really important which you can still make sure comes out well. Fix what you can rather than damage yourself trying to fix what you can't mend.

And don't forget yourself, you matter too.

Raising my girls was tough but is the best thing I've done in my life, its my greatest achievement, everything else is nonsense in some shape or other.

[Bluevermonter]

Hi again, TR.

Yes, I know that resentment well. I used the word reciprocity when trying to explain what I needed.

Two things:

1. I discovered OOTS and Pete Walker about 9 months after she left. I bought his book, read it in one day and underlined behaviors I recognized. A few weeks later when I accidentally found out where she was living, I dropped it off at her front door. My last act of kindness to her? I have no idea if she has done anything with it.

But how about buying the book and giving it to her minus the underlines? That way, it's more of an invitation to consider rather than a full frontal attack.

2. If I had to be with my ex,  I would find the time to act the role of the nurturing mother. Arm around her shoulder, soothing talk, understanding and listening, not only acknowledging her feelings, but saying stuff like " I know you're scared, honey, but I'm here.. You're safe now. After all, it was her PD mother that put her on this road. I figure It would be like finally filling up the windshield washer fluid in your car after it's been empty for so long. It's not that I didn't do it, but not every day. I didn't bring the emotive mother into the conversation, just normal adult talk. When she would come home from work, she would talk about stuff that made her mad at work, but I treated her like an adult and just carried on with making dinner for example. In reality, the fearful child was raging inside because she had been triggered, but I didn't know, I couldn't see it. And she never revealed it. That's how she protected herself as a child. I was often sitting next to her and in retrospect I had no clue she was raging inside. My little quirks added to that rage. I thought she was just annoyed the way couples get with each other.

Anyway, of course you feel like you failed. Unconditional love isn't supposed to be this hard.

[Toughroad]

Arghhh
She picked up the kids this morning for a "function" I was told. Kids said it is our friend's communion party. We were a my parents having dinner, I said I'd have thought I would have been invited as I am fairly good friends with them. My daughter tells us is was invited and that  mum had the invite and she didn't tell me. So I asked about it this morning and she just lied straight to me that she didn't know anything about it.I said that was a cold thing to do after everything. Then it went back to me riding my moto 11yrs ago when she was pregnant and that I never cared about her. Know she will scold our daughter for speaking freely like her mother did to her. Idk I was feeling despair about it all recently but now I'm starting to feel anger and hate toward her because her indifference is agitating. I feel like I'm now triggered by her and even thinking about it all sort of brings on the fight or flee feelings. I am about to go now to doctor for referal to therapy.
Is it possible to get some sort of similar mental health condition as my ex partner?

[Rainagain]

Hi TR,

I think it is highly possible this situation could traumatise you. The dangerous elements are betrayal by someone with power over you who is acting the opposite of how they 'should' be acting.

Your despair turning to anger might be the grief process?

As I said before, fix what you can and don't damage yourself trying to fix what can't be mended.

Look after you so you can help your children.

Part of this is emotional self defence.

I'm so sorry you are being forced to deal with this.

You can apologise and explain exactly why you didn't attend the communion party to your friend, that way others will begin to understand your situation.

[Toughroad]

Thanks. I have set up first therapy session but I have to wait 2 weeks. Daughter rang me said mum ls drunk we might sleep at mum's friends house. Rang 10 times to see if I could pick them up but no answer. So I just have to hope everything is good for tomorrow pickup at 10am. Idk what to do or think or say. I wish there was something I could do or say  to get her to seek treatment. TF.

[Bluevermonter]

I'm so sorry, TR. Alcoholism thrown into your situation tremendously complicates things.

Please remember emotions exist for a reason. In this case to warn us of difficulties ahead, that things are not right.  Your reactions are completely normal, and, yes, you are getting triggered yourself. It's the warning mechanism to avoid further conflict. But it is extremely ineffective.

Lots of people will tell you that you cannot make her get help. Sad, but true. You can probably help in a lot of ways.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry Toughroad for you and your children. 

FWIW my M probably has cptsd but she didn't go into any form of counselling until I went NC with her when I was in my 30's. The best you can do is what you're doing: getting into counselling yourself         

I have pretty full-blown cptsd because of my childhood with multiple problems throughout my adult life, and in fact in my childhood too. I am in healing  but it has been a long, tough slog. If you ever think your kids might need counselling too, please don't hesitate to find somebody for them. I imagine that could preempt a whole load of problems later. The sooner you see a need and start, the better. 

I really wish for you that your kids' pick up actually works today. We're here for you, keep coming back for support if and when you need it. 

[Toughroad]

Hey thanks for the encouragement it has helped more than you know. I thought I'd update the situation. I have started therapy and now realising the extent of my trauma. So I  am not a narcissist after all. Even though I now am second guessing most stuff that comes from my mouth in fear of being betrayed as narcissist or now a sociopath. Therapist thinks she has both c-ptsd and narcissism. That I am definitely traumatised with some form of c-ptsd or similar condition. I have been told to NC and that she will probably only then want to return, and I must resist forgiving and taking her back. I see know how only her validation matters/mattered to me even though every other friend family etc told me otherwise. Looks like I will have to reduce working hrs and go for full custody of my children. Big life changes ahead. And frankly I am scared stiff to fight her for them, it gonna be a bloodbath either way.