How do I know when I ask for help too much or too little?

[DecimalRocket]

I've been told I ask too little help, so I went to the extreme of asking a lot of help. Then when I went to ask for too little help again, and people told me otherwise. This confuses me.

Maybe I should ask different amounts of help from different types of people. Maybe it's the way I ask for help that's bad. But not sure about the specifics.

What can I do?

[bhupendra]

I think you already have the answer. Just think.

[DecimalRocket]

I do have the answer? I don't know. I've been worrying about it for the last several hours straight. I'm still not particularly sure.

[Gromit]

Guilt is a feeling, can you make someone have a feeling? Were you using emotional blackmail? If not, then maybe the guilt is her stuff rather than yours.

[Gromit]

Ah yes, threats are emotional blackmail, bound to trigger guilt in me, sorry I did not read the full story.

If that is what you know it can be hard not to use it though.

No expert on this, I struggle to ask for any help.

[Kizzie]

I don't personally think there is a problem asking for help, in fact most of us here need to learn how to do so as Gromit has suggested.   

That said, I do think there comes a point when some people do it too much and it slips into ongoing attention seeking.  (This is in general and not about you specifically by the way).  My M was like this and kept centre stage by making others feel sorry for her and that they must respond to her distress and pain.  And because I and others in her orbit were human and wanted to be kind and supportive, we responded as she wanted.  The problem was she never got off the stage, it was constant and there was little if no room for me or others. I was angry at being manipulated and yet felt too guilty to not respond.  It took a long time over at Out of the FOG to rise out of that guilt and be able to discern when she genuinely needed attention (e.g., illness) and when she just wanted attention. 

Anyway, the long and the short of it is there are people who do not know where the line is and use the kindness and concern of others to their advantage to get what they want (attention).  I have come to believe though that this kind of attention seeking generally is the result of trauma and is a survival behaviour, and some people can see it while others cannot.  My M cannot unfortunately.

I hope this helps clarify rather than muddy the waters DR.

[Sceal]

There is a skillsheet in DBT that is about asking for something/help from someone else or saying no to a something/helping someone else out. And if you're uncertain if you are in a position to ask someone of said thing you could work your way through this list by answering yes/no questions. Depending on what you want out of the questionaire the higher the scorepoints the larger intensity you can ask or be firm when saying no. The lower amount of score you'll have to be ready to accept a no from the one you're asking.

I couldn't find the sheet all on it's own. But I found a page that contains it. I recommend reading the whole page though, because these skills might be helpful in other situations as well.
It's the second "box" that I wanted to share particularly with you on this topic.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/interpersonal_effectiveness1.html

I know that DBT was primarily created for BPD, but I did not go through DBT because of that. I got DBT treatment because of my cPTSD. There are alot of skills in that treatment that everyone could benefit from. Healthy aswell as injured and sick.

I hope it's something that can be helpful for you. It's simple in it's structure and it's a sort of a manual. I'm guessing it could potentially be easier for you to figure social stuff by having it kind of structured - even if most social stuff isn't very structured.

[DecimalRocket]

 

Gromit, thanks for your concern though even if you don't have advice. 

Thanks for the concern Kizzie. I think a general description does help.It's thought provoking though to think this is the result of trauma. I remember not being listened to as a little kid at all about any of my need for rest or help without threatening something more extreme. I'll try to be aware of this specific EF and alert people around me if it happens.

Thanks Sceal for giving the link. That's just what I'm looking for. Yeah, I do need some structure around what to ask myself when asking for something.