Next Steps in Break Up with Ex BF? Or just let it go?

[C.]

In November BF and I just stopped communicating.  I stopped texting or calling and he stopped visiting.  I realized that it was a positive step forward b/c he'd always been appropriate and kind.  But for a number of reasons I think we both realized that we just weren't the right match.

Due to abandonment issues and fear of an EF I decided to just stop communication.  I didn't want a formal "break up" conversation...I think he felt the same way...

I recently learned from a mutual friend he is seeing someone else from his church.  I was surprised to find that I felt relief.  I had made the wrong assumption that he'd returned to his ex GF and since I have trust issues it brought up the whole was he cheating on me all along? drama  Plus I don't want to become a member of his church so if that was important to him I'm happy he met someone with whom he can share that experience.

Now I have a couple of his things and he has a key to my place.  For reasons I don't need to describe I don't worry about him entering my home, it's just not the way that he is...he didn't even use the key when I was home only to bring me a present on my birthday.

I've been avoiding seeing him for fear of an EF...but I want my key back...how can I do this and stay relatively healthy in the process?  Will getting the key back bring a little closure for me?  Or simply re-open a wound I'd started to heal from?

I've thought about simply texting him that I have a couple of things for him and I'd like my key.  Then leave the items outside in a bag for an "exchange" when he has time and I'm not home.  Or maybe have him mail the key to me and ask if he even wants his things.  It seems so chicken of me, but I really need to focus on me, my son and my job.  I don't want to risk my emotions from this experience getting too "big"...right now they're manageable...

[VeryFoggy]

C. I think you do need to do something about the key, but it is for you, for as you say: closure.  So there are a few things you could do. You've already thought of a couple but all involve contact. Texting risks contact, same with a phone call.  So here's a couple more:

Change the locks and rekey.  Then just drop his things by his place when you know he's not home.
Write a letter, and ask for the key to be mailed or left somewhere like your mailbox, and use the opportunity to say thank you for the good times. And drop his things at his place.
Take his things to his place and leave them along with a note asking for the key back and instructions on where to leave it for you.

I think anything you do will be hard on you but probably something you need to do for yourself, but as gently as possible.

Maybe one of these ideas will help but please do be as kind to you as possible!

[C.]

Good point.  I've heard that he recently moved so I can't really go to his place...but I do need the closure.  I may just text him with a time and place to leave the key, and get his things if he wants them.  I'm pretty sure he'd follow through with the key.  I suspect he doesn't want his things.  I like the brief letter idea also.  I do wish him well.  I am sad things didn't work out, but ok with it too.  This is one of very few respectful break ups that I've had...

[C.]

Update:  I feel stuck.  I'm not sure why...How should I grieve the end of our relationship?

I texted exBF yesterday afternoon.  He offered to bring the key to me without me even bringing up the topic.  He stated that he is not in a relationship and that he hoped I'd met someone...he would be happy for me...

I'd like to think through the pros and cons of the relationship and of my (ex) BF here. 

I understand that reflecting about the pro's and con's of a relationship helps to grieve the end of one, so here goes:

Pro's of BF
   Values:  Positive morals, belief in God, spiritual growth, and prayer.  Values justice and       parenting.
   Personality:  Calm, kind, considerate, courteous, mindful, self-aware, good at setting boundaries
   Common interests: dance, nature, working together, language, culture

Con's of BF
             Values:  At first he said it was ok if I didn't belong to his church and he still invited me to participate.  Then he stopped inviting me and commented we should each go to our own religious activities.  I didn't like this b/c I'd like to share our Faith community, me go to his and he go to mine.  Tradition and ritual an important part of Faith to him, not for me.
   Personality:  Too quiet, judgmental, less social than I
   Baggage:  separated 3 yrs., but hasn't pursued divorce
   
Pro's of relationship w BF
My triggers – willing to understand what caused my anxiety and avoid triggers (eg/not responding to my text)
   Snuggling on the couch together
   Dancing and hiking together
   Working on my home together
   Willing to compromise (eg/media choices)
   Likes watching documentaries about animals
   Listened well to me

Con's of relationship w BF
   Not sharing in spiritual community
   Likes violent movies
   Not interested in mind or emotion engaging media
   Physically close too soon
   Difficult to have reciprocal conversations
   Note: sometimes it just felt awkward...I'm not sure why
   I wanted to listen, but never felt like he really verbally shared

Current Feelings:  Familiar hurt, betrayal, and sadness of abandonment/neglect by FOO and exH.
                             I feel used, shame, and embarrassment about some of the physical contact.
                             Residual resentment, anger, anxiety, distrust of myself, and fear that I cannot set    boundar(ies) by the pissed off, scared, and guilt-ridden IC.

Failure, hopeless re relationships b/c NM and NF didn't provide me with real love.

Current coping strategies: Set up my life so I cannot date by working fri, sat. and sun nights.  Son w/me the other nights.  Eating sweets and "comfort" foods (sometimes too much but often in small portions).  Meaningful media-shows about survivors and people who've "fallen from grace" with their family, their job, their friends, etc.  Burning sage.  Rocks.  CPTSD web site.  Journaling.  Therapy.

Coping strategies that don't work so well now, but used to work: walking, nature, dance.

What I know, but cannot feel:  I am lovable, I will meet the right man one day, my FOO really f***** U* .

Does anyone here have questions, thoughts, observations, etc. of what I've written?  I really want to move on from this relationship, to love myself again, but I feel like something is holding me back and I don't know what...it's a blind spot...

[Kizzie]

C FWIW maybe it's a bit more than simply drifting apart you need to get unstuck.  That is, this time it is/was a respectful breakup but you are missing the experience of saying goodbye and ending things in a healthy manner face to face. You are in recovery and at some level you likely know you haven't been abandoned as you were by your FOO and exH in this case, so perhaps you need to let yourself have/feel that healthier ending of an important relationship. It may help your ICr to know you had a better relationship ("Take that ICr - ha!"), you ended it well and you will most assuredly be building another healthy relationship because you are done with people like your FOO and exH!

Just shooting in the dark here but that's where I went when I read your posts.     

[C.]

That makes sense.  True, it was a healthier break up and that says a lot!  But the face to face closure will help.  His last break up was dramatic and fraught with accusations so I'm guessing he's feeling a bit weary as well...plus I was inappropriate with him once early on.  He wouldn't want a repeat.  Thank you.