Sceal's new journal

[Blueberry]

Hey Sceal, no reason to apologise to me or want to    Not from my understanding of the situation. You're not a fool! Maybe I shouldn't have written in your Journal, but I did. I actually meant to comfort you a bit, but it didn't quite work out that way. I hope you're feeling better now, I mean in general. 

I think I have a parallel situation. I get upset though don't usually say anything when people throw the word "traumatised" around. "He's going to be traumatised for life after that accident / earthquake." Actually, no, he might not be. That's not how ptsd works. It's like a fashionable diagnosis. 

I find it hard to remember all the things I should and shouldn't do with my own cptsd, what keeps me on the right road, what doesn't. It's complex. So it's somewhat relieving to hear that you forget or overlook too. The usual OOTS effect: I'm not alone in this.

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope, you did make me smile too 

Blueberry, I'll admit my immedate response was to not return to OOTS. For fear of making things more difficult and harder for the people here on the forum. You did make me see there are things I aren't aware of, and I shouldn't be so hasty to judge.
I think the book is having a larger affect on me than I first thought.

I also have words like "traumatised" and "I'm so angsty" or "I was depressed yesterday" that bothers me. I feel like correcting them that no, they aren't traumatised. It's a difficult situation. No you're not angsty, you're scared and nervous. And no, depression doesn't last for one day only.  But I never do, I'll just have it as my pet peeve and try to ignore it as much as possible I think. 

---
There's something going on today. I'm not sure what. I'm restless, can't seem to settle down on any one activity. I feel guilty, lazy, tired and hungry all the time. I spent some time out in the sun today, soaking up some free vitamin D, and reading the book. But ever since the sun went away from my "garden", I've been stuck inside. I inteded to go out today, but the thought of travelling with 4 buses is a bit too much. Then I thought of going for a walk, and I might still do that. But I feel guilty for not being more active. Although I suspect it's something else entirely that's goin on - I just don't know what. I'm entitled to a day of rest, I shouldn't feel guilty for eating or for taking a lazy day.

[Blueberry]

Blueberry, I'll admit my immedate response was to not return to OOTS. For fear of making things more difficult and harder for the people here on the forum.

Oh my goodness! I'm really sorry about that. I obviously worded really badly. Btw I was writing as Blueberry Member not Blueberry Mod. I'll pm you.

[Sceal]

Blueberry, I'll admit my immedate response was to not return to OOTS. For fear of making things more difficult and harder for the people here on the forum.

Oh my goodness! I'm really sorry about that. I obviously worded really badly. Btw I was writing as Blueberry Member not Blueberry Mod. I'll pm you.

I am all teary eyed. You did nothing wrong, I promise!

[sanmagic7]

dearest sceal, no, you're not a fool, never a fool.

that comparison stuff is so conniving, so cunning, so shrewd - i don't know how many times i've fallen into that hole even here because i haven't gone thru a lot of what others have gone thru in their past.  i've been reassured over and over that if it affects me in the present, the past counts as being traumatic, no matter what.  i'd like to share that reassurance with you.

it was bad enough or you would not be suffering today from its effects.  it was bad enough or you wouldn't be questioning if it was or not.  it was bad enough or you wouldn't feel foolish to think so.  it was bad enough or you wouldn't be here, understanding the pain and suffering of others the way you do.  it was indeed bad enough.

you belong with us, sceal, and we are here for you, not to judge you, but to stand with you as you continue battling.  we're right beside you in that battle because we recognize a sister.  we're all in this together, no matter what forms our pasts have taken.  i love you and am sending a hug full of compassion, understanding, and strength.

[Sceal]

  to you San.
I love the sound of your words, but they aren't able to quite penetrate my walls yet. But I hope that by re-reading them over and over again will help. I thank you alot for your comfort. It means alot.

I've noticed that the last month (atleast) I've had trouble replying to people's comments in my journal, as well as in their journals and threads. It takes alot out of me. And I don't know why, but it's so hard to find the words. I want to support, and I want to listen and I want to be there for everyone. And I want to engage. But I feel I'm not able to do a very good job of it these days. I am thinking that it's a sign I have to listen to, even if I don't like it. I still have to figure out what it is trying to tell me.

Otherwise today, I've had a good day. I went and did a little self-care by going to the hairdresser. It's a little over 2 months since last time I went. Normally it's about 6 months inbetween each visit. But the last visit left me with such a positive feedback from others. I'm curious to see how the feedback will be this time. So far it's been good. But we'll see. Last time I went blonde with some red highlights and a brown base. This time I'm... well there really aren't any better word than Orange. My hair is very, bright and intensely orange. A friend told me it reminded her of The 5th Element, the movie. It made me smile - I think it's a lovely movie. Afterwards I ran into an aquintance/friend and we hung out for about an hour before she had to go and I took the bus up to my parents.
I was mostly left to entertain myself - which I did. By relaxing out in the sun looking out towards the lake, the mountains, the trees. And listening to the birds, the odd car passing by and the waves hitting the shore.
It made me a little sad, I would love to live there, or a similar place. On my own. And I fear that I will lose the home when my parents die -because I wont be able to buy my siblings out. I know it's kind of a morbid thought, and I suppose it's a weird coversation to have with your mom. But it's not the first time I've said I want the house to remain in the family.

[sanmagic7]

i absolutely love the fact that you have 5th element orange hair.  how very spectacular!  dang, that is so cool, sceal.

i don't think those are morbid thoughts.  i think they're wishes that you hope come true some day in the proper time.  i hope for you that they do.

you've written in my journal, and i could feel the caring and support coming from you.  just want to let you know it's still there, it's real, and it comes across wonderfully.  i hope you'll eventually find what's disturbing you, tho.  i would imagine it's frustrating.

keep going, you orange-haired beauty you.  you made me smile with this news.  so very cool.  love and hugs to you.

[Sceal]

It's a surprise everytime I look in the mirror. I wonder if part of me changing my hair so often as I have is one part that I need to change something within me or my surroundings, but I just realized reading your response again that... Maybe it's my way of trying to find out who I am. As so often when I look in the mirror I don't recognize the girl looking back at me.  Food for thought.

It means alot to know that my short replies has meaning to you, and that they matter. 

I'm waiting for my appointment with my SA lady and I continue reading the book. And he just talked about a girl who had been abandoned by her family after she was diagnosed with epilepsy at age of 5 and she as adult tried to take her life. And he writes about the importance of connection the inner experience with the public story you tell yourself. And I realized.. I've been wanting to do that too.. but no one has asked the right questions that will allow me to figure it out. And I can't ask them to ask, because I don't know which questions are the right ones..
Did this make sense?

I also just realized that I've realised alot lately. This book is highly recommended. 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Lovely to hear you have a new hair colour and I bet you look great! 

Just wanted to say that I'm glad you're enjoying that book and finding it helpful - I also read it in the past and thought it was so good.  I hope your session with your SA lady goes well - and sending you a hug 

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope! I laugh everytime I look in the mirror now, it's funny!

The SA lady was very kind and nice today. We are going to talk more about the deeper things from now on. So that is a little scary, but also good.

I have had a good day today. There's been sun, relaxing, therapeutic conversation, I've been to the gym, had dinner with a friend and went on a guided walk with a different friend. My legs are worn out.

Loads of good things! But there was one creepy thing too that I need to get off my chest. At the guided tour someone from my past had also bought a ticket and was attending. She is the sister of my abusive ex, and she really did not like me. I'm not sure what I ever did to her, but I don't think she liked alot of people at that time of her life. And she was there with what looked like her boyfriend or partner. It gave me a warm, jucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. But since there was nothing I could do I decided to pay very good attention to the guide or to my friends that I was there with.  But the boyfriend kept staring at me. I was thinking I was being paranoid so I checked with my closest friend there and she confirmed he wasn't just staring a bit... But all the @#$! time. (Friends doesn't know about the abuse) . We silently decided to laugh and have alot more fun ignoring them completely. And after it ended we half ran away from the two of them.
I've no idea what she told him or why he kept staring at me for 2hrs.  I mean it's over 10 years ago! I never went to the police, I never accused him although I have every right. My ex has even married now... So what's with the stares and the animosity? It's creepy.  And it makes me wonder if they too are keeping tabs on me.

[Sceal]

My T agrees that they acted weird and inappropriate. She name called them. I told her she used to be a very unlikeable person. My ex's sister that is.  And my T made a comment about that, I don't remember the details - but I said she might have changed. My T then said I'm very dilectic. More than she's able to be.

We also talked about the body sensation observations I've made. And she was very enthusiastic about that. I learned more about timeline and PTSD timeline. How we experience time. It was interesting. It was a good session.
Afterwards I went hiking in the forest. I thought I wouldnt be able to get very far, but I pushed myself to the top. It was amazing. I felt so great. So alive.

And in contrast now I feel sad. Waste of place. I've noticed in doing things for others again. If they ask me for favour I say yes. Not knowing how to say no.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
It is lovely to hear that you enjoyed your hike in the forest, and that you felt so much more alive - 

Your therapy session sounds like it went really well - really great. 

I realise that you have then felt sad as a contrast - but you've felt both emotions strongly by the sound of it.  Sceal - sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok    Hope you get more occasions to feel more alive - I also look for those times, and savour and appreciate  them.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,
Thank you for reminding me of both the good session yesterday and the wonderful hike. My body and head is out of sorts today, so it's faded a bit.

And thank you so much for reminding me that feeling sadness is also okay. It's an important emotion and I am glad that I finally have them back with me.

[Sceal]

I realized yesterday I am doing everything I can to please others again. Setting their needs ahead of mine, not setting boundaries.
And not really listening to what it is that I want

[Sceal]

During identity group today we discussed what is: self-respect?
It is a very big topic, but an important one.
We talked about how we have it in some situations, but often its forgotten and how people use the lack of our strong contour to their advantage.
We also briefly touched upon the topic of self-worth. Am I worthy of respect?

One of the group members were talking about how it had touched her so deeply that her jacket had been stolen. A jacked she had received from a loved one as a thing to call her own. A way to start reclaiming her self-worth and Self-respect, but then someone had taken this too from her. Something that symbolised something so deeply and important to her.
She spoke with tears in he eyes and in a soft voice. She was so connected to what she was saying, with such painful clarity. It felt as if there were no disconnection within her. And I have no doubt she has worked hard to get there. But it was so good to hear her talk. It touched me quite deeply. Through her story she made me realize a something about why the creepy guy the other night troubled me so.

I think it's because it represented to me everyone who has stood over me, making sure I behaved and was a "good girl". It made me feel so inferior and unworthy. And it was such a reminder that I am being watched still by people who has ill wishes for me. By people who wants to control me, and destroy me.