Having a rough day--POSSIBLE TRIGGER***

Anamiame · February 10, 2015, 12:37:59 AM

I'm kinda embarrassed that all of this is so new to me.

I've done 'inner child' work since 1987. I couldn't handle it and basically 'killed' the inner child. Of course, you can't do that. It just waits for you to be ready to do the work.

I'm just in so much pain today. I did inner child work with the 2 year old and truly tried to take care of her--and feel I did. But it doesn't stop the pain.

I don't cry...and if I do it's completely silent, like now. If someone walked in, I could blame a leaky eye and no one would know.

My T did call to set up our appointments this week, but I've learned that to share anything on the phone with a T is bad/wrong/inappropriate and then I feel ashamed, needy and guilty.

Then I think "What good would it do to tell her anyway?" What good is it telling anyone? No one can 'fix' it...it just has to pass.

I keep thinking, "WHY did I allow this process to start all over again?!" I KNOW how it ends...and it doesn't end well for me because...deep down I don't think I can be 'fixed.' I'm 100% this:

The Freeze Type and the Dissociative Defense
Many freeze types unconsciously believe that people and danger are synonymous, and that safety lies in solitude. Outside of fantasy, many give up entirely on the possibility of love. The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers the individual into hiding, isolating and eschewing human contact as much as possible. This type can be so frozen in retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the "off" position. It is usually the most profoundly abandoned child - "the lost child" - who is forced to "choose" and habituate to the freeze response (the most primitive of the 4Fs). "

I just wish...that I had let well enough alone. I just can't deal with this crap once again.

Rain · February 10, 2015, 01:03:55 AM

I am so impressed you reached out to your little girl today, Anamiame. So impressed. You know it takes time. Your inner kid will reach back to you ...just give her time. And, I know it hurts in the meantime.

You are not alone in this. You have OOTS and a caring therapist, and it was tough to do inner child work alone in '87. It is going to be okay.

Life is filled with so many paradoxes.

One of them is to let go of the need to be "fixed" (which infers you are not "good enough").

And instead, accept yourself totally, wonderfully as you are. Radical acceptance. (Yes, think Dr. Marsha Linehan).

Accept yourself, and love your Self ...as you are. Small steps in that, love your choice of a song, a drink, a color. Love that you can see beauty in a cloud. Add more and more. Love your Self.

All this, while knowing you want positive change for your Self.

Nothing to "fix" in Anamiame. Everything to accept and love about you.

...then, change.

schrödinger's cat · February 10, 2015, 07:08:18 AM

Oh, that rings a few bells, Anamiame.

Those things can hurt SO much. Do you think this could be a flashback to how you felt as a child? That profound sense of hopelessness, of defectiveness - this certainty that you're alone and always will be? An echo of your past? Because if it is an EF, it could paradoxically be a sign that your reaching out to our Inner Child worked, and that she's now trusting you with her feelings and sending you a few of them. Which - it's one of those things were toddlers hand you something and beam proudly and go: "I got a present for you!! I found it inna ditch!", and you try not to wince too obviously and go: "Wow, yes, well done". And in that case, the thing to do might be to just hug whatever part of you was THAT injured and THAT abandoned? Not sure, and heaven knows it's nothing I'm finding easy (or even all that possible) to do this when I have EFs...

But how brave you were to voluntarily move into this, even though you had such bad experiences when you did your first round of Inner Child work. Bravo.

I wish I could be that courageous. I'm mostly swerving and curving around Inner Child work, and I keep on procrastinating. Maybe I'll do a round of it today.

Anamiame · February 10, 2015, 07:27:43 AM

Thank you so much for your healing words, Cat and Rain.

I'm super tired and yes, I do think it was an EF...and I know where it came from. It's not new, it's something I've always remembered.

It was too much and for the first time, I realized I didn't have to stay in that 'space' and chose to switch/dissociate, whatever, and it worked. Still, I was raw from the day.

My son got home and decided he wanted to make chocolate chip cookies. I never eat cookie dough; but tonight I did and and enjoyed being a 'kid.' It was alot fun, especially for my 'inner child.' LOL

Rain · February 10, 2015, 09:06:04 AM

Anamiame! The very best part of this thread is you and your inner kid enjoying cookie dough!! HUGE smile here. You are going to be just fine. Lots of bumps in the road ahead, but you and your sweet "little girl" can do this.

And, it can truly be fun. That is the greatest paradox of all. Inner kid work can be fun. Learning to love ones Self. Cookie dough, balloons, bounce the ball, and drum. Twirl and dance just because. Skip. Why not?

Anamiame, is your tagline about "first star to the right" from the Little Prince? One of my all time fav books.

And Cat, I LOVED your post. I'm always learning. The tough stuff from inside is all a gift, even when it is from the "ditch." Acceptance.

Anamiame · February 10, 2015, 06:42:01 PM

Hi Bheart!

Today is much better. How old are your kids? I find it so intriguing that most of us had to wait until our children were grown to deal with this stuff. It makes sense though because you HAVE to be there for your kids first.

I have isolated myself unknowingly over the past 7 months to the point that I have only one friend that I communicate with. She called me two weeks ago and I haven't yet returned her call. It just takes wayyy too much energy. I literally do everything listed under the freeze type. How about you?

Anamiame · February 11, 2015, 12:28:54 AM

Hi BHeart:

Our stories are really similar. I've been in and out of work the past three years--completely out for the past 1.5 years. Most of my friends were related to my work as well. I'm supposed to go to a GLBT dinner tonight, but I don't think I can bring myself to go just yet. I too, worked with children and do find it easier to work with children than adults. And, it's not my old friend's fault that there is a distancing--I know it's me, but it really is hard. This past year was really hard. Although my son got married and my daughter left for Berkeley, they were still stresses. Then, my son totaled my new car and my long term disability suspended my account because social security disability wasn't approved. No SSDI is saying I can work, when Worker's compensation has found me permanently and totally disabled. In addition, my car insurance denied my claim for my car--and in the midst of all of that, she died. I'm terrified of flying and had to fly four times this year.

It was just a really bad year and I just didn't have it in me to meet with people. In addition, I've been separated from my ex for 13 years. We decided to share a house in 2011 for the kids and because my Lupus went into my central nervous system and I kept falling. We have to move now and I don't want to continue living with him. I'm not falling any longer and the kids are grown now...So I really want to move out to a small apartment on my own. With learning all of this, I have to wonder what is truly driving me.

How many grand kids do you have and how old are they? It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there...LOL

Anamiame · February 11, 2015, 12:43:09 AM

Also, I just wanted to thank everyone for caring yesterday.

Today is much better--even normal. Your support really did help alot in getting through the day yesterday and even today when it started to come up, I was able to deal with it and move on.

Anamiame · February 11, 2015, 03:16:21 AM

ROFL

No, 'she' is my word for my mother.

Anamiame · February 11, 2015, 05:05:14 PM

Hi BHeart:

Yes, I do journal alot. Sometimes I tell T about what I wrote but sometimes I don't. She wants me to read it to her and I'd rather just hand her the papers and her read it to herself. There's just some things I can't talk about or I'm not ready to talk about.

My mother's death wasn't sudden; she wasn't at peace and she just needed to be at peace. She was a severe alcoholic for over 57 years, and yes, she drank through my brother's and my pregnancies. If it caused damage to the fetus, it was in our brains--we both are unusually intelligent...which is a curse because I was acutely aware of the trauma from a very very young age.

About three years ago she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver; COPD and heart failure (surprise surprise). Her family was one of the wealthiest families in Ohio and she inherited the estate when her mother died in 2001. I don't know how much it was, but it was either 3 or 6 mil. I swear to god, she drank it all.

But I've firmly believed for decades that her alcohol use was to cover up DID. I would sneak in when I got home from school and look at her backside and I knew whether she was Sue or Mary Sue. Sue was *okay* but MS??? RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! And I literally would hide.

*POSSIBLE TRIGGER--highlight to read*

My sister tells a story of calling home when she was away at college. My brother and were in HS. My brother told her Mom was chasing us with a knife. She stayed on the phone listening for two hours. Evidentally, we locked ourselves in the bathroom. She eventually passed out.

I have no memory of that event. My memories are from 9 months to about 9 or ten.

My mother sincerely believed that I was sent from the devil to torture her.

I wasn't sure if I was going to attend the funeral. But I did. There was no viewing but family could view if they wanted to. I did. Alone.

I didn't know what I was going to say. I simply asked, "Why couldn't you just love me?"

My grandmother excluded the five of us by name in her will. My mother convinced her that my Dad told us that when my grandmother died, we could go in and take anything we wanted. My mother willingly and knowingly got us kicked out of our grandmother's will.

When I went out for my grandmother's funeral in 2001, there was NO SIGN of my existence in her life. She had four handprints hanging up; she had four silver baby bowls; pictures of my four siblings and no sign that I existed. We went to dinner at her friend's house and her adult son was there. He told me in the kitchen that he was shocked that I existed--he had ALWAYS been told that my mother had four children and not five.

When I went to her home after the funeral, it was the same. I found in her bookcase my HS portrait and inside were all the pictures I had sent to her of my kids over the years. And no, she never came to my wedding, graduations, births, nothing. In all reality, to her, I just did not exist.

30 years ago I was able to make peace with my father. We'd have breakfast every friday morning and I confronted the * out of him. Today, he and I are extremely close.

While I was at the funeral, it was blatantly obvious that I was the 'outsider.' I always felt like that; but it was palpable at the funeral. My son, (Sam) whispered to me, "I feel really out of place here, like we don't belong." It was then, it hit me--I DIDN'T belong there! This was NOT my 'family.' My family was my children, my in-laws (deceased) and my Dad and his wife (my step-mother, but awkward to use that word since I was 47 when they married). I found a closet and called my Dad and it was then that I cried. I told him how important he was to me and that HE was always there for me and that HE is my family. I realized that God had given me the family I always wanted.

During the process of Mom's death, we would have 'sibling' conference calls. I was always in the background. I ALWAYS had the calls on speaker so that I could verify afterwards that I wasn't crazy. At one point, I said to them that I really didn't have much input because I'd had such limited contact with my mother over the years. That got me thinking of just how many times did I see her since she left me when I was 14? It was seven. About once every 5 years. It was then that I realized I had spent 30 years of my life being pissed off at God for the trauma I went through in those 14 years--but totally IGNORED the blessing of the 30 years of such a wonderful life, free from her torture! During these phone calls, it was the same old dysfunctional family dynamics and they would try and put me in my roll but, I wasn't 'that person' that they tried to make me. I truly was and am, an outsider.

So my sisters are in the process of divvying up Mom's belongings. This came to a head while I was there and one family member began raging--I walked out. Later, they wanted me to talk or something--I don't remember--but I told them that my home is peaceful. My life is peaceful and I worked REALLY REALLY hard to get that and I was NOT willing to allow her or her belongings into my home if it was going to undermine the peace and tranquility that is my life. I was able to visibly point out to them MY absence from my mother's home, as was HER choice. For years, they denied this to me and tried to make me feel like a drama queen. But there...right then...the room was silent. The TRUTH was quite evident.

I brought home some trinkets, etc. My kids met her once and they always called her 'aunt sue' because they didn't understand her roll. I am big into heritage and I wanted my kids to have something of their heritage. I decided those items didn't bring joy for me. So for Christmas I wrapped them up and gave them to the kids with great stories of that particular item. I am keeping nothing from her. She wouldn't have wanted me to.

Oh, one last note--the reason why my Dad got custody of me in their divorce in 1976 was that my mother went to court drunk and told the judge that if he gave her custody of me, I would be dead in 48 hours. So the judge gave my Dad full legal, physical custody AND discretion as to if I was to see her. I hated my Dad for years because I was going to go with my mother. During our Friday breakfasts, he showed me the transcripts of the hearing.

All that...and I can't explain it but I'm SO SO SO grateful to God for what He has given me in my life. Out of the ashes, so to speak. There aren't words to make others understand the joy I feel in knowing what I have despite where I came from. I'm truly grateful.

Anamiame · February 12, 2015, 02:45:21 PM

Aww, thanks BHeart. No, before the divorce, I was asked who I wanted to go with and I said my mother. We lived on the east coast then and my mother moved to the western area after the divorce, so we were about 2000 miles away. When we moved to California when I was 17, my mother moved back east.

It's weird that I can remember so young, but all of my memories are trauma related. I've verified many of them with older siblings, so I know they are concrete memories. My sister's memory is like a steel trap--she remembers EVERYTHING!

Over the years, I've lost many of those memories as they healed. I always have a sense of pride when I say, "I don't remember that," because it's taken alot of hard work to loosen myself from some of the pain of my upbringing.