At a dead end

[Susie24]

     Hi there.  I have Cptsd and my FOO (Mother, Father, Sister) are abusive Narc with their own personality disorders.  I knew early on in my life that my household didn't seem quite normal.  We lived in a neighborhood and it was the 80's so I went outside in the morning and came home for dinner, thank God.  I was able to see what other households and family relationships looked like.  My house/yard was off limits since I was not allowed to have people over, or even swim in our pool.  As soon as I heard of this thing called "therapy" I advocated for it through my school.  As soon as I entered therapy at age 14 I was in such turmoil that they put me on Prozac right away.  My whole life I have tried to understand why they are so angry and why they hate me so much, of course it must be my fault or something I did.  I have had to push this pain of being rejected by them down and medicate it at times because it is too overwhelming.  How do you explain to people that you have grown up in a * storm of mental illness and although you made it out alive and appear to have it together, just below the surface there is an underlying low level of anxiety and sadness that when triggered becomes a debilitating regression episode. 
     The contact with them over the past 20 years has pretty much been limited contact.  The parents live in Florida and my sister lives about an hour from me.  I have reached out to them over the years because I wanted my kids to know their "grandparents" and "aunt" (I put that in quotes because they have only seem them 4 times since they were born and always on their terms). 
     My parents are now passively aggressively abusive through ignoring me and telling me I was written out of the will, things like that.  My sister is verbally abusive and manipulative and spreads lies about me to them so they keep hating me. 
     I do not wish to have any contact with my father or sister since they are both sadistic monsters.  My mother has been communicating with me lately and is upset with my father and sister also, although its hard to trust her also because she has written me off and caused so much trauma as well. 
     My issue is this:  they are aging and have health concerns. At some point my mother might ask me for help since we are communicating now.  I am not sure what I would, should do?  Do I help people who have written me off, supposedly written me out of property and wills,  not showed up to my wedding or kids baptisms, ruined my life on so many levels? 
     I went down to where they live in FL a few years ago to have a vacation with my kids (we did not stay with them but nearby and visited once or twice).  The visit was fine, on the surface with my parents... my sister however when she found out flipped her * that I was down there.  My mother said that she told them that "they fell for it hook line and sinker" letting me down there and that "I played them like a fiddle".  I confronted her about that via phone , email, text, etc and she refused to respond.  I deleted her off my social media accounts
again.  She only uses my social media accounts to spy on what I am doing and use at against me later by telling them what I am doing and how much money I have so they better give her all their money.  (By the way I am a teacher and my husband and I earn a decent living and have a small house.  She doesn't have any money because she gets fired or tries to sue everyone at her places of employment and lives off of my parents who send her cars and money, pay for her phone and insurance, even dog grooming.)
    So what sort of contact to I need to maintain with aging parents?  At some point they are going to need help and she is obviously unable to take care of herself never mind help anyone else.  But, also, not to sound selfish but what if I do help and then they pass away and I find they have put their two houses in her name and whatever assets?  I don't want their money but I have two kids to put through college.  And I don't even know for sure if I was left out of the will or if it was an empty threat/punishment?
     It sucks that I would have to even wonder about all of this.  But of course my inner self on some level thinks this is my fault and that I have to fix it, somehow. 
Any thoughts?  Yikes that was quite the rant.  Thanks for listening and giving me a safe place to put this out there. 

[Kizzie]

My issue is this:  they are aging and have health concerns. At some point my mother might ask me for help since we are communicating now.  I am not sure what I would, should do?  Do I help people who have written me off, supposedly written me out of property and wills,  not showed up to my wedding or kids baptisms, ruined my life on so many levels?

I think your decision depends on what you feel you want to manage emotionally, but also in terms of your time and energy. We saw the train coming at us about ten years ago before we were LC and NC with family.  We convinced my parents to go into assisted living because my F had worsening health issues and it was getting harder for my M to cope, and we didn't want to end up taking care of them.  There are places where if things worsen there is an option to move to full care if that's needed at some point. 

Anyway, it was huge relief for us to know my F&M were safe and had 24/7 care available, nutritious meals, other seniors to talk to, and social activities.  My F has since passed away and although my M could live on her own she chose to stay because it is home now, and we are on the other side of the country far away from the daily chaos and drama.

[Susie24]

Thank you for your input, I found it really helpful.  I am unsure if I would even be part of the equation to help since my sister (an abusive narc. holds the cards in terms of decision making right now)  I recently sent her an email, voice mail, 20 some odd text and IM messages, none of which she acknowledged.  Not one.  If one of them passes away, and she knew, I am sure she wouldn't even tell me.  I would never know. 

[Kizzie]

Maybe for your own peace of mind you could send one last email to your S and make some suggestions for your parents' care either with or without your involvement.  If she holds all the cards (I assume you mean legally?), then there is not much else you can do. It's unfortunate that our families are like this, but it is what it is and sadly sometimes the only healthy decision we can make is to get on with living our own lives or risk being stuck in the chaos and trauma.