Drinking again

[Eyessoblue]

Really struggling today, with the inner child work I did on Tuesday now back drinking again, just can't cope with thoughts, pictures and memories I had 2 days of intense crying feeling really sorry for myself now today I'm angry and depressed more then I've been for a long time.
Started drinking at lunch time, my escape and felt good but it's not good and it's not ok.
Next week is my last counselling session on the nhs, totally freaking me out now, I'm in such a bad delicate place yet nhs guidelines say I have to finish next week but can go back in 8 weeks time if I need to. 8 weeks is such a long time I've no idea how I'm going to get through on my own.

[Blueberry]

 

I don't know what to say otherwise. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, of course I'm sorry. But does that help?

I'm sorry the NHS makes things so difficult!! Just the thought of 'I have to manage on my own now for 8 weeks' would send me reeling. And most likely to some unhealthy coping mechanism. I get therapy 3 times a quarter now which means I never have to wait 8 weeks for it to start up again. BUT I'm also at a stage in healing where it's good I have this to slowly ease myself off therapy. It doesn't sound as if you're there yet. So being forced to take a break - Idk I'd find it maddening or crazy-making or sad. (I'm not in the UK so different rules apply.)

[Blueberry]

This is what Rainagain commented when I posted about eating unhealthily recently:

"I think we are all on here doing the best we can under difficult circumstances. We can only do our best, and we do.
We should be proud of ourselves, but we aren't.
Its not remotely logical, it just is.
Be gentle with yourself, and just keep travelling in the same direction, its not a race, more like a pilgrimage with a heavy rucksack and unsuitable footwear."

Maybe it'll help you too to read it.

"eating unhealthily" means I have an eating disorder.

[Libby183]

Dear Eyesofblue.

It's so sad to hear about how bad you are feeling at the moment.   I can sympathise with the need for alcohol at times like this. We know it's not good but it's something that helps.  I just can't see that it is right to work on these deep seated issues with you, and then leave you high and dry, so to speak,  without support,  just because you have got to the end of your eight week session. Other conditions wouldn't be dealt with like this.

It's a silly thing to say, but I would gladly transfer the "credit"  for my remaining NHS sessions to you. It's wrong to stop treatment that is of benefit, just because the system says so.

I don't have anything much to offer but just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and supporting you, like you have supported me.

Please take care and keep in touch.

Hugs,

Libby.

[jamesG.1]

Hi you,
Well, don't be too hard on yourself on top of the issue itself, the drinking is, in its own way, an understandable response. many of us have, and will, be there again. Drinking is not ideal, but is sad if we go from being abused by others to then berating ourselves for responding in a human way to our troubles. Giving yourself permission to drink seems to short circuit it I find, because so much of the relationship with the alcohol is based around shame. You don't need shame on top of your pain. Yes, we have to avoid drinking for our health, but there will be times where it is just too easy a solution to our problems and so yes, it will happen.

What you can do at least, is moderate WHAT you drink. If it's spirits, switch to wine, if it's wine, switch to a spritzer. If you can't avoid it, in other words, limit the amount. Usually, it's that first hit that we are after, once the rest is piled on it all goes Dean Martin. And hydrate. Drink water alongside it and you'll suffer less. Only drink with food, etc etc.

What you can do in the meantime though is lean on the Samaritans. They are very good at helping with a lot more than suicidal thoughts and for me, have been a real safety net when I just needed to unload and the counselling wasn't available. The Number is 116 123, keep it safe and keep it near.

Drinkaware also have a great helpline that really coached me through leaving my alcoholic partner. MIND are also available in the weekday daytimes, also very helpful.

There is no shame in using helplines, that's what they are there for and they WANT you to use them. Often, just articulating your story from start to the present to a total stranger can be more powerful than the repetition of a regular counsellor.

And, WRITE! Journal, write poetry, express yourself and your feelings so that you stop your thoughts pinging around in your skull with no place to go. The act of expression is vital, it processes your feelings and untangles those knots that cause so much confusion and pain.

But above all, don't be too hard on yourself. You've been through a lot, too much even, and you are reacting like a normal human being to abnormal stimuli. It's ok, it's understandable, natural and rational to feel so much pain, so give yourself the credit for that and don't struggle in the rapids. Let the current take you to gentler waters and then regroup.

Yer a good 'un. Life will get easier when it is ready.

Promise.

x

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you all so much, I'm so greatful to you all for your lovely replies. X

[Blueberry]

Thanks James for giving a list of UK organisations people can phone for help! Much appreciated.

Eyessoblue, I want to add to James' suggestion of writing that if you have any difficulty actually writing (apparently more people than me do, especially when Inner Children get involved) you can express yourself and your feelings with colour and shapes. Drawings, painting. All for you. Doesn't have to be on display, doesn't have to be 'good', can just be scribbles. But it can relieve pressure. Can even be a type of journalling. I used to do it regularly.