New to site, introduction

[Kirby]

Hi,

I am the only child of a uBPD mother. My father died suddenly when I was a child. He was my only parent.  I always knew my M strongly disliked me, including prior to kindergarten.

I am in my 40's, however think like a child. Numerous Ts have stated I am stuck around the age I was when my father died. I felt as if I was an orphan then. My M was too connected to her FOO (I cannot believe she ever married),  to even acknowledge my needs, emotions, feelings. She never hugged me.

I disliked my mother's mother. I did not want her at our house after my F died. They both knew this. I would come home from school & there she was.....I would have a meltdown, crying, calling my M at work, hysterically screaming "make her leave". This HUMILIATED uBPDM, because what her coworkers & other people thought were so much more important than her only child. This went weekly for a few years.

If I wanted Christmas, I had to decorate, be dropped off at a mall, buy my own presents, wrap them, hand them to her to put a tag on.

I was in a depressive and social anxiety episode all through high school.
Even though I was "gifted", my M never encouraged me, did not care about my grades, nothing.....she only cared about if she was pleasing her mother & what others thought.

When I watched "Mommy Dearest ", I got the chills....so familiar.

I have had some type of anxiety/depression most of my adult life.

None of my mother's siblings ever noticed anything wrong or "off" with her....

Thanks for listening.

Kirby

[Blueberry]

Hi and a warm welcome to the forum Kirby 

I'm glad you found us. Thanks for sharing your story. You'll find other posters here with similar stories and especially similar feelings from childhood and symptoms now.

There's a lot of knowledge, caring and compassion, and validation on this forum. I've experienced it since day one. I hope you experience it too.

[Kirby]

Thanks Blueberry,

I am so happy to have found this site. The craziness to know you were not wanted... I was conceived because "she was supposed to have a child". It took nine years for her to get pregnant. I am sure she was sickened when they announced she had a girl.

She has spewed hate towards me, called me a wh@re before I had even held a boy's hand, ignored me, chooses to forget, told me " it is your fault you were raped", etc
Hugs,

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry to hear of even more things done and said to you.  (There usually are 'more' for those of us on here, so to be expected).

I think I was sort of wanted, but not as me. It would have been OK if I'd turned out the way M wanted her baby girl. But I didn't quite, appearance-wise, personality-wise and on and on it went through my childhood and later on too. But I was blamed as a child retroactively: "all the problems in the family started at your birth". They didn't actually, but that really, really hurt me as a child. So I understand the pain of hate-spewing from a mother and the pain of name-calling.

It wasn't your fault!

[sanmagic7]

welcome, kirby, so glad you found us.

getting 'stuck' at an emotional age is, i think, pretty common, especially if we don't have someone who teaches us what it means to 'grow up' in a healthy manner.

there is a lot of supportive, kind, and generous people here.  hopefully you can use us to help you grow in many ways. 

[Libby183]

Welcome, Kirby. 

It's very sad to hear your story,  but you will find lots of support here,  from people who really understand.  The details may vary,  but the damage done by our parents is so similar.

For as long as I can remember,  I knew that my nm disliked me. It resulted in anxiety and depression and a life not fully lived. I set about healing in my forties - it has been hard but I am getting there and this forum has really helped.

I wish you all the best and hope to support you along the way.

Libby.

[Dee]

Welcome!

I have heard the story over and over about how my mom didn't want me.  My sister even says it matter of factly, she never wanted me.  My dad pushed her into having another child.  Then, if she was going to have one she wanted a boy.  So she didn't want me and I was suppose to be a boy.  I know the name I was suppose to have "Mark Steven," I've been reminded my entire life and it is hurtful.  At the end of the day I know, that this is her issue, not mine.  I'm glad I am a girl and another mother would be please not only to have a child, but love the child regardless of gender.  The fact that we are both aware of the issue highlights the sickness of our mothers.