Is my husband making this worse

[Eyessoblue]

This is a difficult subject for me to write about as I feel completely confused, but I'd really like other people's make on this please.
I don't get a lot of support through my husband who's basically said my condition is in my head, I need to get a job and get over it. When I used to diet he used to buy me chocolate, now I'm trying not to drink he is buying me alcohol. If we go out and people compliment me he instantly puts me down and turns the compliment on to himself.
I've discussed this with my therapist and she's told me this is abusive and I need to find a way out of the relationship as it's not healthy and won't make 'me' any better in the long run.
Is this abuse?
I'm so used to physical abuse from my childhood that I've just got used to this 'abuse' in my relationship, yes I feel like rubbish when I'm with my husband but at the same time I'm so scared of leaving as he's so manipulating and I think I'll end up much worse off mentally.
Someone told me that this was narcissistic behaviour- is it?
I really don't know what to do or seem to be blind in what I'm living through, maybe because it's not as bad as what I have had in the past? I just wanted to ask if any of you think this is abusive behaviour, might sound a strange question but I just don't know.

[miaoue]

no its not a strange question at all! it's a very very good question that absolutely needs to be asked in your situation.... for reaching out about something so difficult and confusing.

i agree with your therapist, your husband's behavior is abusive. he isn't just giving you "not a lot of support"...he's invalidating your experiences and intentionally sabotaging your recovery with sweets and alcohol. not cool!! and the way he talks down to you, it reminds me of my not-quite-ex-H. especially redirecting your compliments onto himself. very slick and manipulative and selfish.

I'm so used to physical abuse from my childhood that I've just got used to this 'abuse' in my relationship, yes I feel like rubbish when I'm with my husband but at the same time I'm so scared of leaving as he's so manipulating and I think I'll end up much worse off mentally.

from my perspective this is the strongest indicator that your H is abusing you. you don't like how you feel in the relationship with him, the thought of leaving is crossing your mind, maybe it would be a good thing for you, but his manipulation has you scared to leave. he is keeping you trapped, mentally and emotionally.

it's harder to see emotional abuse than physical abuse, especially when you are the victim, because part of the process is cultivating dependence and making you feel like you deserve this treatment. so i just want to tell you...you do NOT deserve being put down or messed with, and it's ok to consider leaving. in fact i hope thats something you are thinking seriously about. don't get stuck on the feeling that you "can't" leave. if you can deliberately weigh your options regarding staying in this relationship or leaving, that's the way to find the best path for you imho.

i got out of an emotionally abusive relationship last year, and at the time i was terrified of leaving, but i can tell you i'm soo much better off in every way. it has been difficult and i'm spending a lot of time grieving about it still. but, i'm so much happier and more fulfilled in my life. and i am so much more enabled to recover from my childhood experiences.

[Dee]

I was in an abusive marriage and didn't realize it was abusive.  I have said if he hit me, I would have known.  I never had a parent that modeled a healthy relationship, so honestly I had no idea of how it was suppose to be.  I thought my abusive relationship was what marriage was suppose to be like.

My T was there for me as I ended my marriage.  She was able to help me understand the behavior he was doing and how to handle it.  It still took me a year before I admitted how bad it was, but I was in a better and safer place to be able to do that.

Unfortunately, it isn't uncommon for victims to chose abusive partners.  I can honestly say, I'm in a better place now, and never again will I be in an abusive home.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you both, I just needed that clarification, sometimes I think maybe I'm being too dramatic or maybe I'm just not seeing what's clearly in front of my eyes.

[Rainagain]

You describe your husband in a way that suggests he deliberately undermines you and behaves as though he is in some sort of competition with you (turning compliments onto himself away from you).

He is unkind toward you. You are right to be worried I think.

[LearnToLoveTheRide]

Yes, it is abusive and unhealthy for you.

LTLTR

[jamesG.1]

totally abusive

[ah]

Thank you both, I just needed that clarification, sometimes I think maybe I'm being too dramatic or maybe I'm just not seeing what's clearly in front of my eyes.

That in itself can be an indication of abusive behavior, in my experience. Wondering whether we're overly dramatic (we're not) and feeling so confused that we aren't sure what's going on.

Also, the more I learn about cptsd I see how very deeply I've been abused over and over my whole life, by different people. Many of them left me vaguely uneasy (aka I felt like rubbish when I was with them, too) but I was so used to it that I didn't realize it was abuse. I was so convinced it's all my fault that I kept doubting myself, being totally confused and wondering why I'm so dramatic.
Well, doubting ourselves - that's another possible indication.
And you deserve respect and love, and support.

Your husband's behavior sounds abusive to me too, narcissistic too but of course I'm not a therapist, it's just based on my experience with far too many narcissists.

Emotional abuse can be extremely damaging, it's dangerous because it silently destroys you. It's harder to detect, others around you easily miss it and society doesn't recognize it so you're defenseless against it, you doubt yourself constantly and internalize it and believe you're to blame, trying to break free of your old habits is extremely difficult... it can drive you crazy and lead you to be in intolerable pain without ever realizing why.

I think it's an important, wise question. Not strange at all.

[Eyessoblue]

Ah, thank you for your reply. I'm just so confused, he I believe is playing mind games with me, it feels like one minute he hates me and ten minutes later he really loves me, I get lost in it all and don't know how or what I feel.
I talked about leaving him this year said I couldn't go along anymore with how he's making me feel, he instantly went out and booked us a really big holiday a few months away, to me that just made me feel like he was trapping me to stay with him, I can't be excited about it as I'm with him for 2 solid weeks and don't know how that's going to be.
I've talked about going away to do a course which runs in July and again he's gone and booked another holiday in July so I can't go on the course.
I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or what, I doubt my feelings all the time as I know I'm not functioning on a normal level, but again I think he knows this and is playing on that. It's so difficult not knowing which way to go, how to feel or what I'm doing.

[Dee]

From experience, and literature, it is impossible for a person to heal while actively being abused. 

My ex threatened me, and it worked.  However, all the threats expired when my kids were older and my career was coming to an end.  Then he decided to get me to stay.  Much like what you said.  I went along with it for a little bit, but quickly realized that he wasn't going to change.  He wasn't in therapy, couldn't admit to his role in our relationship, and was never going to. 

[Eyessoblue]

Thanks Dee, that's exactly what my therapist has said, she wants me to be safe and feel supported in my recovery process, she believes he's an enabler in making me worse, she's said I really need to try and look at the bigger picture and work out what is going on but on the same hand is worried that my mental health isn't probably up to coping with everything that I will need to deal with, the thought of having to leave and start again on my own whilst being manipulated the worse possible way isn't something I can deal with now. It's such a nightmare situation.

[Dee]

When I started therapy I was married.  My therapist gently asked questions and eventually I understood it was abusive.  Then she asked if I love him?  I answered I didn't know.  Then she said I don't know if you ever did, but I can tell you right now you don't.  That was exactly what I needed.

I survived the separation, then divorce even though I was struggling.  Then I started to heal.

[Eyessoblue]

Dee, that is exactly the conversation I had with my therapist last wk, we talked about the love I have for my children then she said, do you love your husband? I just sat there for a few seconds and eventually I shook my head and said no I don't. She looked up at me and said 'there you go, that's the answer I have been waiting for '.  Then I felt really bad for saying that and said I don't know what I feel and she said yes you do, you've just told me. That made me shed a few tears and I just sat there not knowing what to say, she then changed the subject and we didn't talk about it anymore. I'm not seeing her for a few weeks as she's on leave but it has definitely left me with lots to think about.

[sanmagic7]

esb, i absolutely go along with the others.  i see sabotage (candy and alcohol), manipulation of the worst kind (booking vacations without your input.  that's like trapping you), denying the very essence of you (it's all in your mind, get a job), humiliating you in front of friends, stealing the good feelings from you that they give you, but he probably gives you crumbs of being 'good' with you every so often, and if you're like i was, you hang on to those for dear life.

this is one of the toughest situations to break thru.   these kinds of abusers know all the tricks, are cunning and scheming, and catch you in a web of self-doubt.  i can't diagnose, but i wouldn't be surprised if it's narc behavior. 

whatever it is, you don't need it, you're not being dramatic, and emotional abuse is definitely tougher to figure out than if it's physical.  i've stayed with husbands a total of 44 years - 9, 19, and 16 - before i had enough strength to get the frick outta there.  each one took its own kind of toll on me.

by the by, you don't have to go on those trips if you don't want to.  they weren't your idea, you didn't book them, and you're already not feeling safe about it.  you can refuse and he can deal with it.  your safety is paramount, eyessoblue.  you are working really hard on your recovery, but he keeps pushing you backwards.    you will do what's best for you, of course.  i, as always, encourage self care above all.  love and a big hug to you. 

[Eyessoblue]

SanMagic, thank you, yes I agree with what you have said, I had to look up what narcissistic meant and I was shocked when I read how much it related to my husband, I think because he's not violent and never has been, I let him get away with the emotional/verbal abuse which after being together for 28 years I've only just recently realised this is happening. The more I think about things that have been said and how he's acting, I am realising very quickly what I'm putting up with. I will be going on holiday with him in April which I am nervous about but on the same hand it's a big test for me just to see how he is amongst people we don't know etc, it's now actually something I feel I need to do rather then want to do. As for going away in July I have put my foot down and told him no I don't want to, so I'm hoping he has listened and won't go making plans without my blessing.