I've never told this to anyone *triggers - eating disorders and bullying*

[songbirdrosa]

I truly do mean that title, this is the very first time I'm mentioning to anybody. I haven't told a doctor yet, nor a therapist, not my friends or anyone in my family. And if I'm being honest, it's because I don't really want to. I'm scared that they'll try to make me change the behaviour and I can't bear the thought.

Since I was around 10 or so, I've always been overweight. Sometimes quite obese even. And I don't think it'd hurt to mention that my mother constantly reminds me of that fact. All throughout my adolescence and even to this day she  picks at me about how much I weigh, to the point of just outright insulting and belittling me. So, of course, now it's the thing I hate the most about myself. And I really hate it. I get so disgusted when I see myself in a mirror that I don't even have any full-length mirrors at home. I can't stand my body and I feel nothing but shame and contempt.

It goes around in cycles. For a little while, I'll eat my feelings away. Stuffing my face with empty calories and spending all my spare money on junk food. Then I feel so guilty for doing that, I'll go through a period where I deliberately starve myself, which I'm in right now. I'll avoid food at all costs, eating only when it becomes physically painful to continue fasting. And even then it's not much. In the past 24 hours for example, all I've had is a teaspoon of peanut butter, one small tub of yoghurt, and a few drops of soy sauce. I'll find any way around eating I possibly can, like drinking vast amounts of water, or having a cup of low fat milk instead of a meal.

Why don't I want to stop, even though logically I know it's very unhealthy? Because I want to be, as my mother would put it, "thin and beautiful". I know there are better ways to go about that, but I just can't seem to get into good habits.

Thanks for listening, this turned out rather longer than I was intending.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, as a teenager I got quite big, my dad ridiculed me the whole time telling me I looked like an elephant, I was disgusting etc, he also went through times where he would ban me from eating telling me I was too fat, I got into the habit of hiding food in my room normally crisps and chocolate etc so I would just binge on these and stopped me seeming like I was eating in front of him.
When I hit my 30's I was really big and went round the same circles of binge eating, hiding food and using it as a comfort. Or else I would go through days of starving myself completely and feeling ill due to,lack of food.
One day I suddenly thought 'no' I'm not doing this anymore, this is all triggered from my dads abusive controlling behaviour and even though he's not alive anymore he's still controlling and abusing me by how He made me feel, I have similar issues with my husbands behaviour towards me too. That one day I made a pledge with myself that I didn't need to eat to be happy I didn't need to binge or starve myself and I am in control. That was 2 years ago, I am nearly 3 stone lighter and I've done this just through healthy eating, if I feel like I need to binge eat I pour myself a large glass of water instead and use this as a way of filling myself up. I've learnt not to let negative behaviour from other people control how I think or what I do. Now that I feel I'm in control it's made it so much easier, when the binge eating ideas come into my head I know it's my dad talking and I say no you're not in control now, I am and I won't allow that thought process to interfere with my life, it's hard to do, but the more you refuse to do what the inner critic is telling you, the less it interferes with your life. This is just something that worked for me and maybe could work for you too, but it's all about suppressing your emotions the more you eat the more you push down inside you a temporary feeling of feeling better which in turn will make you feel worse. I hope you get through this, it's a rough place to be.

[Three Roses]

For me, a little extra weight used to mean extra security. I wasn't attractive and so I was a little invisible. This was hard for me to admit. I'm still a little overweight but working slowly on changing my eating habits, more than trying to lose weight. It got to the point where I realized at my age the extra pounds were causing pain and other trouble.

Now, I'm not focusing on how much I weigh or what I look like and focusing instead on healthy habits, not just eating.

[Blueberry]

songbird, good on you for reaching out and telling us. It's a first step for lowering the guilt and disgust you carry about it.

You write that you can't bear the thought of someone trying to force you to change.  on knowing this and on being so brave to openly admit to it. This is the sort of thing a T could explore with you when you're ready. That would probably help you to want to change in far more ways than just eating habits.

I have an eating disorder too. There are times when I had it under control but not now, not for a good few years now. My docs and T are all in agreement that trying to force me to change before I deep-down-really-want-to would be counterproductive. The "should" stuff isn't very good for me.

I note when I'm eating healthily, when I'm cooking normally again and making sure I can by washing the dishes and going shopping. I give myself  I note when I'm not and see if I can carefully explore why not.

I was shamed in FOO from an early age about my appearance including 'being fat'. Not until I took a good look at photos with my adult eye, did I see that I hadn't been fat at all! There are photos of me e.g. at about 10 with long, lanky legs.

The irony is: I now am overweight, really overweight and I feel far less shame, disgust at my body than I ever did from about age 9 to idk about 35 when I was fairly normal size.

Our shame, our disgust is generally not ours, it's something conditioned into us at an early age by FOO.

to you songbirdrosa

[sanmagic7]

thank you for sharing this with us, songbird.  it takes lots of strength and courage to do something like this and i give you a lot of credit for it.

eating, body issues, shaming - they're all so prevalent, not only in our families but in this society.  it just sucks.  i'm just sorry that you're another lovely human being who's had to deal with this.

don't change if you don't want to - you know what's best for you.  there may come a time when you find a different perspective to explore, but that's in your own time, at your own pace.   i don't know how your disgust helps you, but you do.  if it's something you need to keep, then that's ok.  we're all so different.  again, there may be a time when it no longer serves a purpose for you, and you'll get rid of it, and that's ok, too.

sending you a warm hug filled with self-compassion and love. 

[songbirdrosa]

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words and support. It's been something I've been struggling a lot with lately, and I think I'm starting to accept that this isn't the way to get better. But the illness doesn't want to give up that easily. I'm not sure if I'm ready to divulge it to the professionals yet, but maybe this can be the first step on that path.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi song bird rosa

Quote 'why don't i want to stop ?'

For me i had severe eating issues for years and now am in recovery . i wanted to stop but i hear many who don't and that is the power of addiction . as you are writing here you are making your 1st step to reaching out for help ..
I started using food at such a young age and it emotionally kept me standing ...(just )as the years went on it overtime my life and my happiness erroded  ....the reality of addiction became more apparent.
Today i am free of all that and work a 12 step recovery programme that gives me the freedom from obsession and compulsion around food. Im definitely growing inside and addressing why i ate that way and learning who i am and my inner strength outside of an eating disorder . as a bonus Ive lost the weight my addiction piled.on me .
I got to foodaddicts in recovery meetings

The website is food addicts.org