is this a form of dissociation?

[sanmagic7]

a conscious realization today at the doc's office.  my daughter went with me, sat in the office with me.  the doc began talking about some test, gave me lots of info, blam, blam, blam, and suddenly i couldn't process any of what she was saying.  my mind shut down, i told her i couldn't understand any of it, and i'd have to talk about it another time.

at this point, i felt a touch on my knee.  my d had touched my knee, and when i looked over, i know i must've had a questioning look on my face cuz she smiled and said 'just wanted to let you know i'm here.'  truthfully, at that moment, i didn't know that, until the touch and i could see her.

this has happened before when bombed with a lot of new info.  my mind simply shuts down, and at times, i really don't know what to do next.  this is the first time i'm consciously aware and have noticed and been able to relay it somewhat coherently at a later time.

is this a form of dissociation?  depersonalization or derealization?  i've looked both of those up, i think i've experienced depersonalization in the past, but the idea that i forgot my d was in the room with me till she brought it to my attention is new.  confusing and scary.  i don't know what's happening.

[Kat]

I don't know what you'd call it, but I've had similar experiences.  It happens when--like you were--I'm overloaded with too much stimuli.  I tend to have more trouble with dissociation in the evenings.  There are times when my children are talking to me and I can't follow a word of what they're saying.  I know they're speaking English and all, but I simply can't compute what they're saying.  All I can do is try to focus, but still the words come at me, but are just a jumble.  It can be very disconcerting.  I usually have to tell them I've become overwhelmed and ask them if we can talk in a bit.  Then I go off and try to find a quiet spot to decompress. 

I don't know if this is what happened with you and your daughter, but in trying to focus on what my kids are saying, things around me fade from my attention.  For instance, part of what may be overwhelming me is the noise of the TV, but I won't register it and may be surprised to find that it's been on the whole time.  Does that seem to fit?

[sanmagic7]

yes, kat, it does.  being overwhelmed with stimuli.  that's a more concise way to say it, thank you. 

i talked to my daughter a little while ago, asked if she saw anything on my face, how i looked.  she said that she'd seen it with me before, that i'd started clenching and unclenching my hands and my body was tensed up, so she thought she'd lean over and touch me in order to ground me.  i didn't realize what i was doing with my hands, didn't know i was tense.

it brought me back to reality, but, yes, i knew this doc was speaking lots of words, but i couldn't understand any of them.  it has also happened with movies, tv - anything where i'm getting a lot of new info very quickly.  i've dismissed it before, let it whiz out of my consciousness and didn't really think about it too much.  so, this feels new but it's not new at the same time cuz i am only now able to let it be real. 

i've bluffed my way through life like this, knowing yet not knowing simultaneously.  now i know, am aware, and i don't like it at all.  it makes me scared to do anything alone, and i've been thoroughly independent all my life.  once again, crashing down around me.            wow, this one works for me here right now. 

[Elphanigh]

Both of you describe things that I have never been able to put to words, thank you for sharing such experiences and insight. It is amazing to hear someone's else say things that I have never been able to. I am sorry you both experience this but it is suc a lightbulb moment to realize it isn't just me

[Kat]

I've only become aware of it since my kids have grown up a bit.  I'm sure I've experienced it in other settings, but likely just "bluffed my way through" and moved on.  (I like how you put that, San.)  I think it's actually a sign of progress that you're (we're) noticing it now.  It was happening before.  It's nothing new, and you made it through fine on your own.  Now that you are aware, you can take the time to say, "Hold on.  Give me a moment."  I think before, you likely would have just nodded at the information and left feeling like the doctor had been no help.  Maybe?  I don't know. 

It reminds me of when I first became aware that I ever dissociated.  My mother had pulled my sisters and I into family counseling when I was in my early 30s.  I remember my mother telling about a time we'd gone somewhere and she'd asked me something.  According to her, I just looked straight at her, but didn't respond.  I looked to one of my sisters  to corroborate her story.  My sister confirmed it had happened.  I believed them, but I was shocked that I'd shut down so completely that I blanked the whole thing out including her question.  I later learned the term dissociation.

[sanmagic7]

actually, it feels like it's getting worse, like my survival mechanisms are falling away and i'm now so scared where i never felt fear before.  my defenses kept me safe, allowed me to understand things said to me - i could garner all kinds of information, process it, understand it, and act on it in the past.  now i feel like i'm being stripped of everything that's helped me survive life.

in mexico, altho i couldn't always understand everything the docs said to me, my hub was there to interpret for me or, before that, i'd ask questions when i didn't understand something said to me in english.  but i wasn't shutting down like this when spoken to in eng.  i also never lost myself like this, even when i didn't understand the language itself.  i just tuned out, but i was still always aware of who and what was around me, what i was doing with my hands, etc.

this feels like i'm getting worse.  i'm afraid i'm losing my mind's ability to register reality at these times now, which never happened before.  i know where i am, but i'm feeling nothing, not aware of my body, not understanding the words, not being able to cope with what's being asked of/suggested to me (like getting a test for lung function - that's what it was all about today).

this doesn't feel better at all, kat.  i was never this sick before, so i wasn't given tons of info at one time.  i'd get frustrated that docs didn't listen to me, but i coped, took care of myself as always.  kept asking questions.  this is new, actually.  this shutting down.  the docs were no help in the past simply because they ignored me, said 'i don't know' to my questions, or dismissed what i was saying.  i wasn't getting info before, so there was nothing to process, and my mind was working better before.

el, glad you could get something pos. out of this, but sorry you go thru it.  it's horrible, at least to me.  i'm not used to this fear, of being scared, of losing control of my mind.   

[Three Roses]

To me, this sounds like a form of dissociation, maybe the 4F "flight" reaction to an EF. Brain scans show certain areas of the brain responsible for language processing go dark, or offline, during an EF.

It was embarrassing at first but I've learned I can stop people from "spitting" information at me, and ask them to slow down. But, that means I first have to be aware I may be in an EF. Not so easy sometimes....

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3roses.  and, i've done that in the past, too, slowed them down, asked questions, got clarity about what they're saying.  i'd never lost myself, forgot that my d was there before.  that's what's scaring me.  like this is getting worse instead of better.  ugh.

[Elphanigh]

It is hard that those are getting worse. I think though that because you are becoming awareness that it is occurring you will stand a better chance of getting some more control over it. I think now that you are aware of it you will find a way to function with it or around it. That is just my thought in it, there is power in knowledge and recognition of these things

[ah]

It sounds like dissociation to me, and it make sense - the doctor's visit must have been so unbelievably stressful, and that shut your body down; but then you were expected to hear and absorb and respond to all sorts of technical information and that's very hard when you're so stressed and tired.

I can only imagine how tired you were going into the doctor's office, after the anniversary and all that it entails. You're going through a lot, and dissociation is one way our body has to say "Uh... no, too much. Not right now. Enough."

In my experience, getting worse doesn't mean it will keep getting worse and worse. It can get worse during a week or a period of really high level stress, then afterward when you've been able to process some of it and rest a bit, it can change again and become less powerful.

You went to the doctor's office, you took care of what needed to be done. Being sick can leave you feeling pretty powerless and take away things you thought you knew about yourself. It can change you deeply, I know it did to me when I suddenly became very sick in my 30s. Till then, having had to grow up in a very sadistic and scary FOO, I always considered my independence to be my biggest asset. I could go anywhere, manage anything. I was quiet and introverted, but resourceful and didn't need others. All of a sudden, being sick forced me to see myself in a totally different light. It was painful and overwhelming. I'd be totally overwhelmed too if I were you. I'd be exhausted just dealing with THAT, and then all the fast technical information from the doctor would leave me lost just like you. I'm with you.

I sometimes dissociate much stronger than usual and it scares me, but it doesn't stay the same the next time it happens. It goes up and down. Circumstances have a huge part in how I react, and altogether, sounds to me circumstances have been giving you a very big whack on the heart lately. No wonder your body needed a break.