New EF's that affect my physical and emotional coping strategies-help...

[C.]

For many years walking in nature has been a solid self-care strategy.  For the past years dance held the same magic. 

Then I recently dated a man for about 8 months who also enjoyed these activities so we danced and enjoyed walks in nature.  But the relationship ended a little over a month ago.

A few months before it ended the thought of dancing or hiking in the nature park alone brought on mild EF's.  I processed some inappropriate childhood messages that were "under" the EF as well, like my father's judgement and hatred of all things "sexual."  But I still feel anxious and simply avoid the activities.

Sadly these were the mainstay of my body fitness!

I now feel very protective of "me" activities.  I kind of wish I'd never allowed someone else in to my dance and nature space, but it's already been done.

So how might I return to nature and to dance?  Or do I need to give them up for the moment and explore something new?  I've considered archery...

Ideas?

[schrödinger's cat]

Urgh. I'm sorry to hear that. I feel the same about my writing. I've learned the hard way to only ever let anyone even know about a work-in-progress once it's finished and edited and ready. I told someone too soon once, and it felt as if it... hm, as if it spoiled things. Weird feeling. I had to let that story go.

Hm, a return to dancing and walking, or archery... Theoretically, what if you do all three? It would depend on how much time you've got available, probably? Maybe trying several approaches would take the pressure off any one approach? ("This HAS TO WORK!!" - that kind of pressure.)

As for your return to dancing... what if you don't return directly to the exact thing you used to do, but take a more scenic route? A sideways approach. Sneakily sidling up to things, bit by bit. In CBT, you'd probably write a list of dance- and walking-related activities: the BIG thing (like, taking a day-long hike), then mid-size things (an hour-long walk), then tiny wee things (a picnic with friends, where you walk from your car to the picnic spot for five minutes). And then you'd rank them from the emotionally riskiest activity down to the most doable ones. Then you'd do the doable ones: before you do them, you'd write a bit about what it feels like to have this ahead of you, and then afterwards you'd debrief yourself. Sorry, I'm just throwing ideas against the wall here. I was just trying to see if you could reclaim your activities in a bit-by-bit way, and that's the only thing that came to mind.

I wish one could simply exorcize all those old, unwanted associations... hmmmm... you don't happen to have a therapist who'd go with you on a walk, or whom you could do a phone consultation with while you're walking...?? I'll stop now before I get to the really silly ideas. ("Take a catholic priest with you and have him sprinkle holy water on your nature trail.") Anyway, I wish you all the best, and I hope you'll soon find something you can enjoy doing.

[C.]

Cat hahahha   I love your last idea, too funny...actually just the thought almost made me want to try it in a pretend sort of way...

I like your step by step approach.  And the "Holy" water actually does bring up a great idea.  I've used sage to clean and purify my living spaces so that they don't cause anxiety.  I'm actually pretty sure that could work for my walk and dancing.  I think that I'll light some sage and walk the trail & dance in my space with the sage.  Honestly I suspect that will work...It;s like the "first step" idea.  I'll walk in nature and dance for brief periods of time using sage as my first step. 

Wow.  I'm a :thumbup:ctually a little tearful at the thought since I'm pretty sure this could work...I love the power of ... i'm not sure what ... but it's here in this forum ... pathways to healing when our eyes are opened ; )

Thank you.

It's also affirming to know about your experiences with sharing your writing.  This was a good life lesson.  I'm going to be much more discerning about sharing dancing or walking in nature.  And my mild ADHD inattentive type makes changing activities sometimes inevitable...simply in my nature...

Bessings!

[schrödinger's cat]

Yay!    Do you know, the funny thing was, this holy-water idea just wouldn't let go and insisted on being put in, as it were. So now I know why! I wish you all the best. Will you keep us posted as to how it's going?

[C.]

I'm so glad that you went with your intuition in your response! 

I started the purification process with sage today.  I put on some positive meditative music, dusted off and held some purifying rocks, and moved throughout my home with the sage smoking and purifying prayers.

I was a bit surprised to notice that thoughts of my recent bf and the need to cleanse memories of him from my space surfaced.  I still seem to be avoiding the topic about him.  He's a kind person and ultimately I think we both came to the realization that we just weren't a good personality fit.  He would withdraw from difficulties rather than face them.  And my teenage son is more difficult than anything else at the moment.  I noticed that I was giving more than my bf so withdrew a little more and rather than try to draw closer, he withdrew more.  The positive about our relationship is I think he's the first serious relationship I've had with someone who isn't selfish/N.  I didn't fall into my personal favorite 3 F's with him.  But, after initially wanting a relationship with me he realized he wasn't up for the full commitment.  Neither of us wants to be hurt or hurt the other so we simply stopped communicating about a month ago.  No texts.  No calls.  I know that I probably need some closure and I want my key back, but I'm just not up for it at the moment.

So the memories of dancing with him,snuggling in my home and exploring nature...the sadness that it's ended...they're causing me to flash to anxiety or sadness in those spaces and with the activities.  I think I'll probably write a poem or maybe a "corrido" (story form Mexican modern ballad set to music and good rythm for dancing)...

So yes, the "holy water" (burning sage) idea will definitely work for me.  I have American Indian grandmother's who I claimed a couple of years ago.  My father told me that our relations to them no longer "count" because of the dna science of 5 generations...and my family clings tenaciously to their anglo-american/hippy identity.  But I believe in the infinite existence of my grandmother's souls, that the number of generations doesn't matter and that they're closer than I realize, simply in another "world" that I cannot yet see.  So I'm going to keep some sage in my car for those nature trails.  And be more careful in the future who I let inside my "sanctuaries!" (favorite nature trails & my home!)

[marycontrary]

Wow, this is good stuff. C., breaking up with my boyfriend right now for the same type of reasons. Look at it this way. You are raising your standards, and this guy was a `sort` of in the same ball park, but alas, the puzzle pieces just don´t quite fit.  And we just can`t spare the energy to `force` it to work.

I am so glad you put words to this, cause I feel the same way, I think. I am really snippy about somebody invading my space and screwing my sh!t up. Very good metaphor to the `dance` you wrote about.

You are making very good progress....I am proud of you....

[schrödinger's cat]

Good news, C.    I wish you all the best. What you write about feeling this connection to your grandmothers, it sounds empowering.

[C.]

Thank you Mary and Cat!  Yes I am making progress 

[flookadelic]

Perhaps take a walk into nature and then 'smudge' and cleanse the experience of walking in nature with fire and sage at an appropriate time in the walk?