Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[sanmagic7]

good for you, sweetie.  you've come so far, doing so well.  it's so great to see this.  keep up the good work, and well done.  love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Just wanted to drop by and tell you I'm over here cheering for you.
It's normal to be exhausted after therapy, it's unpleasant and gets in the way for sure. But it's okay. I hope you'll treat yourself kindly and do the things you feel like doing.

[Blueberry]

I've been doing some herb and weed preservation, now that it's cooled down a bit. Earlier in the day I sat in the shade and read a couple of small books which are now on my discard pile. Discard pile is actually on my outside window ledge so people can take books in passing, which they do. 

I'm going to a wedding tomorrow for which I don't have to get particularly dressed up for, and won't. One of the young couples at the farm is getting married. In fact I'm transporting a necessary piece of equipment up from town to them I think there will be alot of people, though even more on Saturday when I won't be there. Huge numbers of people can be a bit difficult for me, but I'll play it by ear. If Sergeant Major bellows out instructions to me about setting the table or doing some such job, I'm getting ready in my head to say I don't like being spoken to like that and/or that there are plenty of other people around to do the job, which there will be tomorrow. Even though they will be visitors, most visitors to the farm realise that within a couple of hours they're expected to help in some way, unless they're really, really old. Before the wedding, I'll be doing a few hours worth of a job I regularly do. (Sergeant Major is not getting married, the young couple who is never speak to me the way Sergeant Major does.)

I can feel in my gut that I'm a bit nervous. Maybe I should do a round of EFT this evening before bed.

[sanmagic7]

hope it all goes smoothly for you at the wedding, and you get no grief from the sgt. major.  i hope you can enjoy yourself and have it be a good time.  i'm glad you've got a response prepared for yourself in case. s.m. starts bellowing.  that's great prep work, to my mind.  have a lovely time.   love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

Thanks san   

[Blueberry]

I got some grief from serg. major when I wasn't prepared for it at all. She told me basically that I was in the way. Not in those words of course. I apologised immediately without even thinking but since I'd already stepped backward of my own accord there was nothing left to do or change. And actually I'd just been helping the bridal pair with the equipment I'd taken up for them - a cargo bike. So I'm not sure what serg. major's problem is.

It's a hard topic for me because M spent a fair bit of time telling me I was in the way or just shoving me over without even telling me. I know by my late teens I automatically assumed I was in the way more or less whereever I stood. It's no longer that bad.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry - that Serg.Major sounds quite unpleasant - and I can imagine how triggering she is, when she reminds you so much of behaviour from your M.  I really feel like I want to say more, but I can't - as my partner has just come in to talk to me, so I'm going to stop - just wanted to pop by to your Journal - and wish you a good weekend.    to you, Blueberry.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Today and yesterday I felt as if I was acting like a sgt major myself and I was reminding myself of my mother too. I don't actually want to treat children the way she treated me - being snappy and impatient and correcting but I don't seem to be able to stop. OK, to be fair to myself, I didn't do it non-stop but I don't think M did either. It's just that that part of her has stayed with me.

The heat may be playing a role, but i don't think all of it at all. Part of it is my usual: feeling responsible for other people's actions because my M tended to blame me even if it wasn't my fault at all. So I still feel automatically as if I'll be blamed for not stopping one of the children from doing this or that or for not knowing in advance that their actions were going to lead to this or that. It's not even as if I could even say at the time who would blame me. The children's mother wouldn't. I just have this sense that something is being done wrong and I'm to blame or I will be to blame. Might be good to do a couple of rounds of EFT before I go to bed. One on being bad-tempered with the children and one on feeling 'blamed'. Or maybe 'blamed' should be Screen Processing.

And then I also feel hyper-sensitive to noise, even totally normal and harmless children noise like splashing around and shouting out in fun and games at a lake. Here too, it's partly my fear of being blamed for disturbing others, allowing children to disturb others, though they weren't ... and partly it's triggering. I get a bit jumpy.

It could be a particular phase in healing and it will get better with time and a little work eg EFT or it could be how I am, yikes. Once again I'm really glad I don't have children of my own because I would pass so much trauma on. Kudos to all on the forum who don't. But I would.

[Blueberry]

Yesterday I fell for something on the Internet and now need to do a bunch of clean-up fast and can already feel my brain clouding over and confusing me. But I have started and just need to keep going step by step. And also remind myself there's no reason to be afraid now, there's nothing to flee from, no reason for brain to fog over.

The fact that I fell for this scam is I think cptsd related - connected to fear and anxiety and generally the way my brain clouds over when I have to deal with computers in general and more specifically Internet. Anyway, back to the job at hand.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you're able to get that internet scam thing sorted out - good luck with it.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, I did 

Today I also finally got my landlord to give me the exact amount by which he is reducing my rent  I managed to haggle a slighter better amount too   Haggling is not something I can normally do at all.

The reduction isn't enough to keep me in this office space for another decade or anything but just maybe a year or two to give me more time to figure out where I'm going exactly with my freelance work, and also give me more time to shed possessions (in order to have room for office space in my apartment). It's usually a process for me and not particularly helpful to use any methods like throw away boxes I haven't opened for a year. Especially since my boxes are often full of papers and I live in a country where you really have to keep your documents.

[Blueberry]

I've just been reading the earlier part of this whole journal of mine and I really found that beneficial because I notice how much progress I've made in the past couple of months

Another beneficial thing: I'm beginning to realise why I was being snappy and bad-tempered and controlling with the children on the weekend. Everything was too much. Too many children. Too much 'going on', sensory overload or possibly even an EF overload. I'm not sure but I was possibly being constantly triggered in small ways and that could lead to EF overload I suppose.

In addition we were away somewhere together where they haven't been before and while I have, I haven't been often. I don't know the ropes exactly.

I've heard of people with mental illness who eventually get pretty stuck in their ways and eventually can't even leave the house. The older they get, the worse their whole situation looks from the outside. I know cptsd is an injury not an illness but that still doesn't mean I couldn't end up in a similar situation. That's what it seems like atm. The more I accept my limitations, the more limitations I seem to notice. I don't think that more limitations are arriving, I think that I'm noticing them more instead of covering them up.

Anyway not knowing the ropes exactly makes controlling to make sure nothing goes wrong so that I can't be accused pretty difficult. I would say I was probably in a constant state of low-level anxiety pretty much the whole time.

I know I'm going to have to tell my friend that this is the case. I had been thinking that when I visit her and her family in the foreseeable future I need to go for less time. Because it takes about 3 hours to travel each way, I tend to do an overnight or possibly even 2 overnights. I think I need to reduce. Also their family life is just too busy for me, too fast-paced. I think it was less that way or maybe less noticeable when the children were smaller. Despite liking my friend and her children and despite one being my godson, I need to accept myself and my needs and pay more attention to these. It feels egoistic and 'not right', as if I 'must' have the time and emotional space and energy for this child in my life. But instead I need to accept what is and that is: three children at once for a weekend is just too many, and too much energy and noise. cptsd is a beast and affects so much. I have this beast in my life and need to remember the oxygen mask analogy and know that that applies not just to parents and their own children but to people like me and anybody in my life: godchildren, pets, friends.

[Hope67]

Just want to pop by to say I've missed you, Blueberry, and that I hope you have had a good holiday.  Not sure when you are back, but 'welcome back' for when you do get back.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

That's a lovely message to see at the bottom of my Journal! Thank you so much Hope! I got back a few hours ago.

I was on a retreat, not therapy, but something that does me a lot of good in another way. Yoga, singing, healthy food, meditation, free time outside in nature going for slow ambles. On my own but obviously with other people around to converse with a bit. I managed to write a lot in my paper journal, in fact every day I think.

Quite a lot of realisations including that I'm on the correct path so to speak (correct for me) and I'm progressing. 

I came home to discover that my landlord acted totally contrary to what he told me on Wednesday. He said that he and his workers wouldn't be continuing the work next to my berry bed till September and anyway none of the work they were going to do would impinge upon my berries. I really pointed to my redcurrant bush that I was in the middle of digging out - "you mean this really is OK where it is till September because I'm going away for a week?" He replied that it was OK. So I came home to discover a construction site and my redcurrant bush lying on its side half under a tarpaulin and partly under an old stone drainage pipe. 

I'm certainly annoyed. I would've continued digging my redcurrant bush out and moved it away to another part of the garden if my landlord hadn't said I didn't need to till later. But I don't feel bowled over or triggered so that's definitely progress A friend suggested I speak to my ll (or his workers) if he/they come tomorrow and kindly ask them to move their tarpaulin and the drainage pipe briefly so that I can retrieve my redcurrant bush and see if it's salvageable. This is where it gets tricky. I feel like a pain in the neck, as if I keep disturbing my landlord. I know that's an EF, going right back to M telling me I was a pain in the neck and downplaying problems I had or requests of mine. I don't want to feel any further into what M did so I'm possibly not describing it well. It's obvious to me though how connected these 2 things are.

[sanmagic7]

glad your time away was beneficial to you, sweetie.  it sounds amazing.

and . . . back to reality, right?  landlords and redcurrant bushes and miscommunication and not following thru.  grrrr. 

i think such a request is normal, not at all a pain in the neck kind of thing.  it seems perfectly within your rights after what you were told.  i do hope you can salvage it (i love currants).  best to you with this.  and congrats on so much progress in being able to manage your emotions around this.  that's great.  love and hugs to you, blueberry.  well done.