Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, wishing a loving peaceful rest to you.

[Blueberry]

Thanks DR 

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I was on a lot earlier and used tea's handy little app long enough to realise I hadn't taken my second meds or had enough to drink. I left computer but didn't take my anti-deps  or in fact drink anything. I have had a large mug of tea now though it's just too late to take my anti-deps. It's the next day in fact. I don't even take my meds at the same time each day ever, though in tea's app it says we should. Well, "should" and "must". Ahem, well. My docs tell me to ignore the 'take at same time each day', just try to take them at all. My T almost fell off his chair when I first told him. But my docs have been dealing with me longer.

I tried so hard to find work again as an employee, to start having socially-insured positions. But it hasn't worked out. Setting my sights too high. Part of it is still feeling a need to excuse myself for living on this earth. Not very healthy emotionally. Part of it is in order to have no need or little need for FOO financial support.

Part of it: I'd love to be able to apply for citizenship in my country of residence. I fill all criteria easily except employment and financial. It wasn't a problem until the UK decided on Brexit. I live in one of the other EU countries with my British passport. But I've been told by people in the know that my country of residence won't be 'sending me back' to either of the other countries I come from. So the dream of citizenship isn't as vital as it would be for some people in some situations in other countries. I've integrated here well. On some other thread somebody was questioning disability status, the usefulness of it maybe for our diagnosis. For me it's useful. It's one more reason my country of residence can't 'send me away'. If crunch came to crunch, it would be another argument for a lawyer.

So, employment isn't panning out atm. Just keep keeping on with other things. I remembered while in the garden yesterday how I once told a social worker I sometimes didn't have enough energy to look after my pets, far less work a job, though at the time I was actually asking her about work placements. She asked how many pets I had, assuming I had a whole herd of goats or something presumably. But no, two Little Furries then and two on loan now. They are not and were not what is preventing me from getting back on the job market. Though I'm still not ready for my own permanent Little Furries again, it's worth noting. The energy for looking after them isn't enough for working a job. Looking after them doesn't involve the same pitfalls and 'topics' as working either.

[Blueberry]

Lying around in bed reading and dozing hasn't been too beneficial today because I had a bunch of bad dreams full of FOO and then one or two with dangerous traffic situations. Me on bike, narrow road, hill, Mac truck.

In one of my dreams I confronted FOO, which is and was a bad idea.

I am drinking my tea now. Another beneficial thing would be clear up a bit in the kitchen and then listen and move to music.

[Blueberry]

I managed to do a few beneficial things today, like some gardening. Before there was a brief downpour I also picked 3 peonies and brought them in. They look lovely in a vase. Actually the downpour didn't ruin all the blooms left on the plant, but oh well.

My head is kind of full up with FOO voices atm, ridiculing me for giving up my little job. Not that any of them know irl but it is the kind of thing they would ridicule about, and did in the past. The kind of thing where they told me I was a loser and a failure. So I'm just venting here a bit. I'm not sure why the 'employment' topic is such a biggie for me, but it is. Again and again, for years.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, i just love peonies, and can picture them in your home.  i had bushes in my front yard, and would pick an armful each year just to have this massive bouquet for a few days.  love their scent.

take it easy on yourself - it sounds like there's something going on just below the surface that wants to come up, show its face.  i hate ridicule - it's simply mean, nasty, and intended to hurt.  nothing positive there. sorry, very sorry you've gone thru that from foo especially.

do what you can, the rest will wait for you.  much love and a warm, caring hug to you.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for the reminder, san. You're right, when I hang around in bed reading there's usually something on the way up to the surface. I remember now, I've posted about that before.

[Blueberry]

But still there are things I could be doing to better my day-to-day situation. Hm. Well. I'm the only one who can actually take those steps. At least I got up today eventually and got dressed, but only because a client was coming. That's why working is so important to me. It's a thing I do that gives me purpose.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad you were able to get up and saw your client today, and that you have 'purpose' in doing that - and I am just popping in to say 'hello' and extend a warm and supportive hug 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope   

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I'm taking a little break from moderating and from feeling as if I ought to answer other mbrs' posts especially Difficult Day and Welcome to Forum. So if I do respond to anybody's today it's because I really, really want to and because I think it'll do me and my process some real good.

I realised a little while ago one reason I'm having such trouble getting on with things atm is the backlog of discussions I need and even want to have with various people in and out of my life. They're often very difficult for me so I tend to put them off. I remember today my T said that so long as I put off dealing with various topics they'll keep coming up in the form of illness, exhaustion, depression, addictions, SH, etc. (As is the case atm.)

Today when I finally went out into the garden to pick some food for the little furries I remembered I'd done that topic of "feeling self-conscious in the garden" before in T, in screen processing no less. The self-conscious feeling came about because of this feeling that M, F, and B1 (and maybe even grandparents) would be gazing out the window making fun of me or criticising me or whatever else they all did. Questioning my right to exist because I wasn't carrying my weight in the family (according to them). Atm I'm spending a lot of time indoors in spite of spells of bright sunny weather and inspite of doing things I could easily do outdoors like colouring or crosswords. Well, at least I'm remembering what's behind it and don't need a distancing therapeutic method in order to do so.

So that backlog of discussion topics: I did send a FOO note yesterday, but there's another I really want to get on with, but.... Then there's one to a friend, which I've been putting off doing partly because she's in a bad way atm. But that's also the reason I put up with all sorts of stuff from her last year and moving into this year, so it's time I stopped that. I can always put a note at top of email: don't read on a bad day, but the point is I'd finally deal with it and stop it hanging over me, feeling bad. And I'd stop putting her needs ahead of mine, which is a main part of the issue between us. She seems to expect that.

I did send a FOO note yesterday. Pretty short and to the point. Then I remembered long ago sending a note or maybe email to parents setting a firm limit. My T of the time said with that 'brusqueness' I should be glad if my parents ever wanted contact with me again.  I said I wasn't capable of expressing any other way. She shrugged. So instead of maybe helping me express another way - which she had refused to do though it was a situation in which I had to act fast - she criticised my words. I'm well rid of that T. It's like what a few other mbrs on here have mentioned recently: the T is supporting the abusers rather than their own client  Maybe after all they did to me and didn't do for me my parents should be glad that I tried to stay in reasonably, friendly contact for such a long time and even went back to it after a long period of VVVLC / NC??

However, I note how hard it is for me to find the right words, how I agonise over it, but I do end up with similar brusqueness. It's just Medium Chill and that's quite OK towards a FOO that twists my words. In fact, it's the only way to go about it really. My present T says something along the lines of: if people generally feel well-meaning towards you they'll try and figure out what you mean, or they'll quite simply ask if they're not sure. It's true. That's what I do too. But not FOO.

[Blueberry]

I wrote this elsewhere on here in Nov. 2017:
"My T said contact with people won't stay if you can't set a limit and if you aren't allowed to speak up about a problem you're having with that person's words / actions / deeds or even speak up about realising there's a problem developing between you, but you need to talk about it! And if you can't, then time to re-think, let go probably. That makes total sense but it's very difficult for me and has set off this whole chain of events." Oh, gee, there are even more people than I wrote up above with whom I need to clear something up.

[Blueberry]

sweetie, i just love peonies, and can picture them in your home. 

Don't try to picture too hard, my place is a disaster zone. Looks as if a group of very messy teenagers lives here  . But it's only me. Or else you could make sure you really concentrate on the peonies and zone everything else out.

Maybe you should send your ll over here? She might have such a medical emergency at the sight that she'd end up in hospital for a while and leave you in peace. 

[Blueberry]

I've been reading tons of old posts of mine, mostly Recovery Letters. Still haven't got on with writing present day ones though.

I did write a bill earlier though, finally, and send. And contacted somebody who expressed interest in my work. Both things were hard, but I did them.  They're only so hard because I'm not expessing all that other stuff that should be going to friends and FOO.

Well, being online isn't beneficial for hours and hours and hours. It would be good to go offline and go and clear up a bit in my kitchen. Always a good place to start. I can listen to some nice music while I'm about it. Maybe move around and/or sing to it.

[Sceal]

  Good job on doing the difficult things! I hope you gave yourself an encouraging and friendly pat on the shoulder for doing the things that's challening for you.

Taking a break from internet, getting up and move about to music sounds like a fun and good thing to do!

[Blueberry]

I didn't actually give myself any encouraging or friendly words for having done those things. Thanks for reminding me. There have been times when I was better at self-praise.

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Using the type of energy that would normally get me to the farm, I got out of bed, hung up the rest of the laundry that doesn't already smell, hung up the smelly stuff in the garden where it will get fresh air but also possibly rain and dry eventually for next laundry. I also forgive myself not hanging it up last night. I also took my one type of meds, gave the furries something to eat, picked them some stuff in the garden for later, took a little time to smell some elder blossoms while out in garden, emptied kitchen compost and another refuse type and checked an important work email, that will possibly lead to more earnings.

And it's only 8:15 am as I write all this! I still could even go to farm if I want. It gives me a kind of structure I sometimes need.

I still need that getting-to-farm-type-of-energy to at least wash my hair. And I may get on with another real FOO email today, the energy to do that was there on getting up too, as well as the words.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
You have done quite a lot already, and it's relatively early!      I hope your real FOO email goes ok, if you decide you are doing that today, and I hope that your furries are enjoying their stay with you.
Hope