Insomnia has 'woken up' my OCr...

[keepfighting]

I am suffering from insomnia at the moment - caused by the still unresolved job situation of my h. I haven't had a full night's sleep since the beginning of december when it became apparent that h would soon be out of a job and nothing new on the horizon.

Lately, I've started to notice that I am more easily irritated by quite normal behaviour and cannot tolerate much - good or bad. I also find that I am unusually critical of people ('unusual' as compared to my normal feelings towards others).

Is this common or am I imagining things? Does insomnia really wake the OCr up?

[schrödinger's cat]

Uh. No idea. What I know from my own experience is, if I have tons of surplus energy, I'm a lot more tolerant. So anything like pressure, or lack of options, or constant fear, or lots of EFs, or other stressful things... maybe my Outer Critic started as a self-protective measure, and if he thinks there's danger, he becomes super alert and trigger-happy.

[flookadelic]

I am so much more susceptible to EF's, tears, massive waves of sorrow when I am really tired.

[keepfighting]

maybe my Outer Critic started as a self-protective measure, and if he thinks there's danger, he becomes super alert and trigger-happy.

Very interesting point. I think you're on to something... moderate amounts of OCr are probably even healthy. It's when the OCr rises to be the Hulk that it gets in the way. Unfortunately, that seems to be the case right now for my OCr: The Hulk has risen and I need to somehow shrink it asap for my own good. No idea how to tackle this... 

I am so much more susceptible to EF's, tears, massive waves of sorrow when I am really tired.

Chicken --- egg.

I had asumed that the upcoming unemployment caused the EF which then caused the insomnia, but it might easily have been the other way around. Honestly, I am still very new to recognizing EFs and ICr and OCr and everything else connected to CPTSD and I do not recall whether the insomnia or the EF started first. They do seem to complement each other in a downward spiral, though. 

Right now, I really wish I could catch up on some sleep. I am so afraid that my over-inflated OCr will cause me to drive people away while they're really just trying to be nice. My judgment seems to compromised at the moment when it comes to human interactions which makes me very insecure and my OCr even bigger.... *sigh*

[schrödinger's cat]

Not sure how helpful this is... but do you think there could be a common theme in your OCr's cognitions?

Why I'm saying this: I once realized that mine was especially sensitive to anything that created (abusive) hierarchies. I'm really, really not sure how common this is. Maybe it was just me. All I know is, seeing a common theme made it easier to detach from all that. (Not easy per se, just easier.) It was possible to see it as a phantom pain, a visit from my past traumatized self.

And it was then also possible to validate my Outer Critic somewhat. Not in his present bloodthirst, but in his righteous anger about past injustice.

Because the thing is, back then, my Outer Critic was silenced. He had to be. I couldn't afford being angry. I had to find ways to make my FOO and classmates be okay with me, and for that, I needed to believe what they signalled to me - that they were okay and I was the one creating problems. A bit like Stockholm syndrome in miniature, I don't know. So I'm wondering if my Outer Critic isn't simply THAT anger/disgust/resentment. It got cut off from its true cause, and now unloads itself on any pretext that looks even a bit like the thing that caused our trauma. Not sure if that's true. What I know is, my own Outer Critic does feel a bit like a kid - like he's relatively powerless and can't do anything, and only gets all the angrier for that.

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear about your H's job KF, that is a lot of stress to be dealing with.   

I know my OCr gets so much crankier when I am under stress, particularly when it's ongoing and when I don't sleep well because of it.  Things and people seem much more irritating and annoying all the way around.

FWIW my T and I were talking yesterday about trying stay mindful as to whether I am layering feelings from the past on top of present day difficulties. I was able to do this a few times lately and it really reduced the amount of overall stress I was feeling. No two ways about it, losing a dependable source of income is stressful, but it may be there's something it's bringing up from the past that you can do something about.

Hope you are able to get some restful sleeps soon        
 

[keepfighting]

Update:

Last hope of continuation crushed today. I am shattered.

Kizzie, you're absolutely right: This job situation brings up very frightening memories from my past (my Nfather was at his most violent when jobless). You wouldn't believe it to look at me now (I am a size 12-14) but as a child I was seriously underfed - due to my f being out of a job frequently and both my Narents unwillingness to take responsibility for money. Sometimes we literally had no money for food and the little we had my Narents spend on things only they liked and sometimes ate it all before coming home so there was little to nothing for the four of us. Many of our basic needs weren't met when we were growing up.

These basic fears might indeed contribute to the OCr. I am too confused to know any more.

And it was then also possible to validate my Outer Critic somewhat. Not in his present bloodthirst, but in his righteous anger about past injustice.

Thanks for the suggestion, cat. I think I'm gonna try and validate my OCr as soon as I'm feeling stronger altogether. He probably deserves recognition, too, I never thought of that.

[Kizzie]

  for younger you and  for the bad news adult you received today, I'm so sorry KeepFighting.

[schrödinger's cat]

I'll be thinking of you, keepfighting. Also, what you had to go through as a child - I wouldn't have thought that this can happen outside of a war zone. What a thing to do to anyone, let alone one's own child. I hope life will treat you kindly now. 

[flookadelic]

Firstly I am really sorry that you are going through such a challenging time keepfighting. It is so hard when we are already undermined...but when I look at this forum I realise that trauma and being undermined aren't the only games in town, thank God.

I know how increasingly difficult things are when I'm tired and find it really useful to remind myself that a lot of the feeling of difficulty is down to tiredness, not my actual capabilities when I'm not tired. It's a small thing but I hope you find the suggestion useful. Thinking of you and your H and wishing you both every happiness.

[keepfighting]

Thanks, Kizzie and Cat! 

I know how increasingly difficult things are when I'm tired and find it really useful to remind myself that a lot of the feeling of difficulty is down to tiredness, not my actual capabilities when I'm not tired. It's a small thing but I hope you find the suggestion useful.

I don't like the person I become when I'm tired.

Thank you for reminding me that that's not all I am capable of.

There is a lot of wisdom and strength on this forum. 

[Butterfly]

I'm rather rushed today but this thread caught my eye as one To scan through. Sleep helps us file away stuff, process, determine what to store in memory and what to toss. If we miss out on that process the whole being suffers. It's wreaked havoc on my mind and my life, EF, mood, coping skills, ability to maintain boundaries, all of it suffers when I'm not rested. I've given to take mini 'spa' day of self indulgence wrapped in a blanket, skipping tea, practicing deep breathing, stretching and reading all day as a way to soothe and cope. Hope it works out for you soon.