I feel like I have failed my inner child

[Will19]

"Dear child,

I address you as a child, because I would wish to forewarn you of what has already happened and will come to pass. It will seem like the hardest thing you have to go through, yet as you get older the burden of the memories will fade.

Yet I should warn you child, you will have to endure something much, much worse. I suspect you can already feel it, the dull ache in your joints and your temple, the funny mornings when you wake up and you have to unlock your fingers, a novelty which would soon fade and invoke a sudden rush to your parents in confusion, some mornings you won't get up at all. This pain which is about to come, with such a bright child you are, unbeknownst to your parents and doctors, you sit in silent consultation to the differential diagnosis. This chronic syndrome, which has no known cause I know you correctly figured it might have come from the virus the year before, an immune response attacking your nervous system. Always the little scientist, such anxiety you must feel with such a sensitivity to the world, I feel it to.

I know child you are expecting to receive comfort, I am afraid none will come, and if it does, the comfort was never directed at you. but for them and you had to live despite your pain and sensitivity to meet that comfort. Seven long years of endurance, of isolating pain and superhuman strength, a strength I am envy now as you will too. Not just a physical strength but a mental one. Remember Rage, Rage at the dying of the light.

As you grow older child you will see the difference in your own photos, you will look at yourself now with beaming smiles, and then only a few years later, hollow eyes, false smiles then no smiles at all. A kind of sun before the storm. Know that your smile will never truly come back to you, at least not a smile for yourself, just for being. Luckily though, you will have moments of hilarity, that will make you laugh, and share that with others, but you will lose your smile. Yet as we both know, we have always found it difficult to let others down, you will as I do keep pushing forward, pushing so not to give up. Let me remind you now, that this pain you feel, and the sullen face staring back at you through the mirror does not mean you are a bad person. You would do well to heed me when I tell the teenage angst, the belief in your own anti-sociality should be dismissed and those tears you feel brimming, let them run forth towards a better future.

You will share other's pain, you will transform that sensitivity into a window to others souls, through which the light of day and foul fog of a dark winter's night will spill through. You will want to run, scream and cry but do not run away, let her talk and listen and you will begin to have the power to change the weather even after years of isolation. From this I tell you child, feelings are complicated and you won't be able to make sense of them nor change others, let yourself and those you come to care for communicate freely. I have a tendency to philosophise, instead of truly feel because you are the self who never truly developed. This is why I address you as such, because you are me and I am you, inside me you are the potential to develop.

So old friend, I would ask you sincerely to consider my offer; let us communicate freely, so that I can further explore my feelings so as to heal from my past, so much so I can be more sane in this sane present place.

Your Future self"

I notice, I seem to use a very paternal tone with this inner child, yet I feel like I have failed them. I have because I have developed this personality, that can be abrasive once I interact with people long enough, this toxic, anti-social person. Yet a better way of looking at me is if you see me as a more unstable (but on the plus side even more empathic) version of Will Graham from the TV show Hannibal, I used to think I had BPD, but I am so avoidant of relationships now, and I never really had any that I would say were real relationships, other than me being manipulated myself.

I am fairly sure I am autistic, as that is my diagnosis, but I am getting it reassessed. Aspergers + CPTSD would look like BPD, because my brain is just so hyper-reactive, experience itself has light and colour, and fear that overwhelms any attempt to regulate my self or emotions.

I have behaved in ways which were abusive because I couldn't deal with that distress, I have some fairly bad structural dissociation, so much so it might be a separate disorder in of itself, So I have hurt people like this (They are however, people who in that state I perceive to be hurting others, so I have to protect them, like my cat from my dad, or someone sexually harassing my friend.). Then I snap out of it and I abhore myself, would like to see me destroyed.

I just know this child version of me, was so much more stronger, physically (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Physical abuse and bullying) and emotionally (non-contact sexual abuse, and emotional abuse and bullying.) Rare they ever reacted with violence, they were quiet and forgiving and kind.

I feel like it's my purpose to try and reach that standard, so I have to help others, I have to give a life to this child. So my purpose in life is to help others, I say this looking at my stethoscope, I wanted to be a doctor, but I had a break down and now I study psychology. I wanted to transfer to nursing, but I have my doubts, which my parents add to. Should I do graduate entry medicine or become a criminal analyst. My purpose is to help others. It's this inner child that drives me. 

[goth_mike]

You haven't failed in any way - the only failure was by those who originally "taught" us to develop various coping mechanisms which have been necessary for survival, but luckily no longer so.  The fact that you are in touch with your inner child and want to help others shows that he's still a major part of your personality - the best aspects of your childhood personality are still very much part of your adult personality, as you have demonstrated.

I too thought for many years (and was told mainly by abusers) that I "must be" autistic - I used it as an excuse to withdraw and not engage, and it was used by others as an excuse for bullying and other abusive behaviours.  Thinking has now changed to that being another coping mechanism, that and trying to work out how to relate to the rest of the world myself through a haze of deeply negative experiences.  Unfortunately for many of us here, the "unwritten rules" were never taught to us, and a lack of love and empathy from others (who often were unable to teach that which they themselves do not know, and unable to pass on what they are lacking) resulted in some quite serious arrested development on the social learning front.

It's complicated, I think what I'm trying to say is that you have not failed by any standard - been failed by others perhaps, but you personally have done the best possible job with the tools provided.  We all continue to grow and learn after all - good luck with your journey!

[Three Roses]

 

[DecimalRocket]

I understand some of the pain you're going through likely because I have Aspergers + CPTSD themselves. I've gotten years of bullying and misunderstanding from my own peers and caretakers from it — even it taking part of my trauma in the first place. And yeah, it's tough. It's really tough, I know.

To not read body language as well. To struggle understanding people's intentions. To make mistakes socially sometimes that can hurt people at times. It's easier and almost unnoticable here because people say what they're feeling directly here without expecting you to read subtle clues.

Being an Aspie though, is a social delay. Not a social impossible. It takes time, but it's not hopeless. There are people there who'd accept people like us, maybe because of our quirks more rather than just despite them. We're socially less aware, but that doesn't mean we're not as kind as the average population once we're aware of what others are feeling.

It has its benefits. If you search for Asperger's advantages, there'll be all kinds of stuff to find. Not all of us are — but many of us are more loyal, more honest because our lack of social cues means we take less time to take advantage of people and so more easier to trust.

Aspies tend to focus more deeply because to find comfort in a confusing world, they find something familiar to dedicate their energies with. They tend to have insights other's dont because their lack of ability to read people allows them to not be as influenced with other's ideas to create their own. Not to the point of giftedness all the time, but to a reasonable amount.

There's all kinds of gifts if you go learn about them — such as from speakers like Steve Silverman or Temple Grandin really. You want to help people — so I hope you can make use of what you have to help others.

Take care, bud.