How do you deal with hate?

[hereforhope]

My anger is both empowering me and consuming me. I've come forward a lot in recovery and have now a genuine interest in my well being and future. My hatred for my old life and what I've become propels me forward.

I also feel completely alienated from people. I can't trust anyone, I feel bitter and jealous, and I experie difficulty feeling happy for others. At times I wonder if I'm a misanthrope. I get especially jealous whenever I see teenagers and children with clearly loving parents, and I can't help wondering what life would be like had I had such parents.

It's painful to carry such a hatred. I  hope it can pass some day.

[BlancaLap]

My anger is both empowering me and consuming me. I've come forward a lot in recovery and have now a genuine interest in my well being and future. My hatred for my old life and what I've become propels me forward.

I also feel completely alienated from people. I can't trust anyone, I feel bitter and jealous, and I experie difficulty feeling happy for others. At times I wonder if I'm a misanthrope. I get especially jealous whenever I see teenagers and children with clearly loving parents, and I can't help wondering what life would be like had I had such parents.

It's painful to carry such a hatred. I  hope it can pass some day.

I understand what you mean. It was the same for me until I got stuck in dissociation. It's hard, so hard, I know it. I also hope it will all go away some way. Talk about it to your T if haven't done it yet, maybe it will relieve it some way.

[hereforhope]

Thank you for your reply. I'm considering therapy again though it's hard with the trust issue. I've had some bad therapists, at least one who I think was a narcissist and tried some subtle abuse.

I feel embarrassed by this thread so I think I'll delete it. I'll have it up for a little longer so you can see this reply. I hope you feel better soon. My best wishes.

[BlancaLap]

Thank you for your reply. I'm considering therapy again though it's hard with the trust issue. I've had some bad therapists, at least one who I think was a narcissist and tried some subtle abuse.

I feel embarrassed by this thread so I think I'll delete it. I'll have it up for a little longer so you can see this reply. I hope you feel better soon. My best wishes.

I think your post shows a really natural response to trauma, there is nothing to be embarrassed of. I know that our anger may feel embareassing, I used to feel it too.

I had bad therapists too, and I also considered quiting therapy. Now I have a new T that seems nice. There are a lot of Ts, I encourage you to keep looking.

[ah]

I agree with Blanca.
Oh boy do I know how you feel... it can be all-consuming, like a fire in my body. I hate hating but I don't know how to stop it sometimes.

I hope you don't delete this post, I think it was courageous of you to write it in the first place. It's such a tough topic to admit, to work on.

Especially having met creepy therapists. Your previous t sounded horrific! I've met some in the past, some I'm sure were narcissists and psychopaths, others just blindly cooperated with my abusers... and it left me so distrusting of them all that I never went to therapy. I'm sure there must be good therapists out there, but I was too horrified of the whole profession to go look for them.

I guess it's doubly hard for us, because finding trauma therapists is even more rare. But I hope you'll keep looking. Stay cautious, recognize the signs if you meet another creepy one, but I hope you can try again till you find a good, real therapist.

You're allowed to feel anger, you're allowed to feel hatred. We're human beings, we have our emotions and none of them are bad or evil. They just are what they are. They're part of being us. They come of their own accord, and feeling hatred doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a person.

Not sure how to deal with it myself yet... the things that help me are distracting myself (but that's not a very good technique because it only works very short term. The second I stop distracting I feel overwhelmed again). One other thing I sometimes find helpful is talking, either mentally or out loud.

For example: I try to give what I'm feeling a name. I try to be as accurate as possible, I might say "I feel hatred. Very intense hatred." I repeat it and give myself permission to feel it, then I try to see what else is there.
Like vulnerability? Fear? Disappointment? Betrayal? Pain? All of the above... maybe... usually what will happen is as I try to be more and more precise I'll also give my feeling more and more labels that are related to feeling so deeply hurt and betrayed, and that seems to give me more power over my anger and hatred.
It loosens their grip on my heart and I can feel them and also feel other things at the same time.
I hope that makes sense. 

[Blueberry]

hereforhope,

I'm really glad you posted because I've been dealing with feelings which we often denounce as "bad" in the past few days too. In my case anger and rage and not really knowing how to deal either. It just helps to read that somebody else is having problems with the type of emotion we're not meant to have or admit to. Our shadows.

But I see if I understand you properly, you mean self-hate? You hate what you've become. Maybe Inner Critic work would help you. You are not a bad person because of feelings you have. Even if ICr tells you otherwise.

I agree with ah's suggestion - that's helpful for me too, give myself permission to feel and then see if there's an additional different feeling. There often is.

[hereforhope]

Thanks for your responses.

Thank you Ah for validating my previous experience in therapy. That tip about figuring out ones emotions seem very valuable, I'll remember it for when I journal.

I'll try to remember to judge myself less for my emotions. I remember Pete Walker reminding us that it can give the Critic plenty of fodder. Jealousy is especially a shameful emotion to me. I'll try to accept my emotions and understand it logically where it comes from.

About hating myself:
I've lived with my mother my entire life, save one year. I've never had a real job, because of anxiety. I think my mother enjoys me being helpless like this. I'm 27 now and completely dependant financially on her. It's as clear as the sky that I'm just pathetic. Whenever I've shared about my life with therapist and doctors I always see some surprise, then feel they don't respect me much- completely understandable.
I hate everything about what I've become. I remind myself that this isn't the real me however, that I'm not hating my real self, my core self, that's hopefully my potential in life.

[Blueberry]

I'll try to remember to judge myself less for my emotions. .. .....I'll try to accept my emotions and understand it logically where it comes from.

Good going!

About hating myself:
I've lived with my mother my entire life, save one year. I've never had a real job, because of anxiety. .. I'm 27 now and completely dependant financially on her. It's as clear as the sky that I'm just pathetic.

Can I tell you that I really don't think you're pathetic? I'm actually about 20 years older than you and have hardly had a real job. 3 years I think. That's a drop in the bucket at my age. I certainly do not stand on my own feet financially. I'm not pathetic, I have an injury to my brain called CPTSD, and so do you. There's a reason why we can't get a real job.

But I also want to accept you the way you are, with your self-hate. I have got a lot of that too, and there's a reason for that as well, for both of us I presume. 

[DecimalRocket]

 

[ah]

It's as clear as the sky that I'm just pathetic.

Not to me, sorry...  the way I see it, it's clear as they sky that you're in pain. Invisible pain that society doesn't know enough about.
I can tell you what it's like for me, well, I have an invisible physical disability as well as c-ptsd, I'm severely disabled physically but I don't look it, so people don't understand it. They don't have a lot of compassion for me. They minimize my pain and disability. They can't really see things that are a bit out of the ordinary.
People often say I'm pathetic, a liar, a fraud, 'etc... spoiled, lazy, dependent, crazy... you name it. But I actually have a disability, whether they see it or not I can't make my disability go away any more than they can make their pains and aches vanish.
And c-ptsd is a hidden pain too. On the outside we seem in one piece, maybe a bit anxious or fearful or forgetful or distant, but people can't see the extent of the damage that was done to our brain and our heart just by looking at us.
You have every right to be in pain and to struggle. It doesn't make you pathetic, it makes you human. It makes you normal, it means your brain is responding to painful experiences and needs help. It makes you worthy of gentleness and understanding, not disrespect.

Whenever I've shared about my life with therapist and doctors I always see some surprise, then feel they don't respect me much- completely understandable.

I'm sorry but... I don't respect your therapists and doctors very much!   
I think that's just wrong on so many levels.
But it happens to me too. I wish therapists and doctors knew more than the general public about c-ptsd but most don't.

I hate everything about what I've become. I remind myself that this isn't the real me however, that I'm not hating my real self, my core self, that's hopefully my potential in life.

I know what that's like. I'm so sorry you know that feeling too. I feel this way when my ICr wins, which is admittedly 99.9999% of the time. But just calling it ICr helps, it distances it a bit from "the real me". Helps me see it like a parasite, something external that isn't me, but hurts me.

Jealousy is especially a shameful emotion to me.

Me too... I think it makes a lot of sense. We feel our life is a disappointment, then look around at others are wish we had what they have. It's very human. Or so I try to tell myself when jealousy gets too strong in my head.

You're not alone. I wish I could take this pain away from you. It's real pain, whether others acknowledge it or not you and I know it.

[hereforhope]

Thank you all for your compassionate responses, it's very appreciated.

Blueberry, I want to make it clear that I never do and never would think about others in such a way. It's just completely different when it's myself. I'm sure you understand.

Ah, I'm sorry for the way you've been treated. It's bad enough that everyday people are judging and ignorant, but that health "professionals" also do it is so offensive. It really sucks. I've given up having expectations in them a long time ago. They're typically not one bit less fallible to partake in the usual stigmatised attitudes themselves. Either it's me who's so repulsive that not even trained professionals can find any respect in themselves for me, or it's a far bigger problem with either society or our humanity. I personally think a lot of the stigma is just simply how humanity is, sadly. People are probably wired by evolution to to some extent reject people we perceived as "weak" (even if they're actually mental tougher).

I think I've pretty much closed off myself to most people. Maybe I'm naive but after reading answers to questions, I see it's possible I fall somewhere on the sociopathic spectrum. I can't trust anyone, I think I can choose to have empathy or not, and I'm not very interested at all in making friends, or care much about being polite. I honestly like grind detached like this, for at least I know there's something that protects me. I highly disagree with Pete Walker that most people are friendly and safe. I can however understand why he'd argue to think like that, it's important to lessen the outer critic as well.

Let me say however that I care for you here, especially after having learned a little about your own lives.

And yes, I definitely need to work on my inner critic and bring gentle with myself. Thanks for reminding me, and thanks once again for your kind responses. It really helpful and meaningful.

[BlancaLap]

People are probably wired by evolution to to some extent reject people we perceived as "weak" (even if they're actually mental tougher).

I don't think it is a "human thing", more like a "patriarchal thing", since there are matriarchies, like the mosuo, the minangkabau or the bijagos where they have a more "maternal" approach to weakness.

[Blueberry]

Blueberry, I want to make it clear that I never do and never would think about others in such a way. It's just completely different when it's myself. I'm sure you understand.

Yes, I do understand hereforhope. I don't think you mean I might be pathetic. I just mean I have things in common with you too, like not being financially dependent and hardly working, but that doesn't make me pathetic. So it doesn't make you pathetic either. I also criticise myself and otherwise treat myself badly far more than other people, so I do understand that!

[hereforhope]

I don't think it is a "human thing", more like a "patriarchal thing", since there are matriarchies, like the mosuo, the minangkabau or the bijagos where they have a more "maternal" approach to weakness.

Could be. I guess we've moved into philosophy here so any discussion would be our own views and thoughts on things, rather than anything we can prove. I just don't like most humans very much, it's as simple as that.

[Three Roses]

I'm with hereforhope. Humans in general, I do not like. I love my family of course and other certain individuals, and the people here are an exception to my general dislike because of our vulnerability and honesty.