Hello

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi, I'm schrödingerskatze. I'm new here. A few years ago, I was triggered on an internet forum, and I haven't posted anything anywhere since. This is my second post since then. I'm already feeling a liiittle bit panicky, so if I end up posting not very much, that's probably why.

My story is this. When I was a toddler, our family situation suddenly worsened (someone got critically ill in a way that changed their personality - not a mental illness though). Everyone was under stress for the next twenty years. I was emotionally abused and emotionally neglected at home, got depressed, which in turn got me emotionally abused and bullied at school, which over time got me my CTPSD. No one cared much: everyone was busy with their own lives, and with my family member who was sick.

The worst was, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was always tired, I could never really concentrate, I sleepwalked through my day, I was always late, always too slow, always clumsy. I had great difficulties making decisions for myself. I dithered, I was constantly second-guessing myself, I had very few opinions and was always trying to please others enough so they'd simply ignore me and leave me be.

Things got better in my twenties. Then, in my thirties, I was retraumatized. At that time, I was jobless and in a foreign country, which was bad, but it left me with plenty of time to research, which was good. As soon as I returned home, I got therapy. Only a little; it wasn't helpful at all. I constantly felt that my therapist had her methods custom-tailored for "real", proper traumas: the kind that happens ONCE, so you have one single, clear-cut situation with a series of identifiable triggers - triggers like a specific scent or a clearly identifiable social situation, not triggers like "social groups" or "every single institution ever, even hairdressers to some extent if I'm having a bad day" or "authority figures" or "people who seem cooler or more self-assured than I am, which, on a bad day, is pretty much everybody". I was left feeling that I had to get better before I could face therapy again.

So I've done things on my own. What's been helpful so far:

The concept of the "inner team". I'm doing a technique where I freewrite dialogues between parts of myself. It grew from a writing exercize where you relax, then ask your inner critic a question (on paper), and see if he'll answer. I scoffed at the very idea. It couldn't work, I just knew it. I gave it a shot anyway, and it was BRILLIANT. Awesome. Might have saved me years of severe distress - or severer distress than I had anyway.

Related to that: some things I read about egostate therapy. Never did the therapy, but the basic concept of it rang true. I love egostates. It explains why I get into (difficult or triggering) situations and suddenly I feel twelve.  That's because this happens to everybody. Certain situations activate certain egostates. We're one kind of person at work, another kind of person with our family of origin, a third kind of person with our friends, and so on. Fascinating stuff.

Then, articles on cracked.com on the effects it has if you've grown up poor or in a messed-up family. A humour site seems a wonky source of research. But on the other hand, humourists are really good at bringing things to the point, and they use a conversational tone, not cold and clinical psychologese.

A book called "Reinventing Your Life" by J.E. Young and J.S. Klosko, both Ph.D.s. The underlying concept is: we each of us repeat behavioral patterns we've learned in childhood. If your family constantly criticized you, you might end up feeling fundamentally flawed. They call that the "Defectiveness Lifetrap". The authors explain how such lifetraps come to exist, what they look like, and what you can do to escape them.

One technique from that book is for when you're cut off from how you really feel and what you really need. I forget what Lifetrap that's for (I've got several), but I read somewhere that it's a symptom of CPTSD, so maybe this is helpful for someone else? They recommend you write down how you feel three times a day. It's been interesting. I never realized before how many things make me anxious and stressed out.

I'll post this before my courage runs out. My apologies if this is too long. But I'm glad to have found this place, and I hope everyone is having as un-* a day as they can. The foreign country I lived in had a good word for this: "how's your day?" someone will ask, and they'll make a so-so face and sigh and say: "normal".

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Schroedingerkatze!

So sorry to hear that you were triggered on a forum a couple of years ago and haven't posted since then.  It's hard when you reach out only to end up feeling like you need to pull back.  We do talk about some difficult things here, but we try to do so in a positive and supportive fashion.  Please don't feel you have to post though , there's no pressure to do so.  The main thing is that you feel safe so that you can begin to talk about your CPTSD so if/when you're ready feel free, we'll be here.
 
Based on what you've said about your child and adulthood, it does sound like CPTSD fits with what you have and are experiencing rather than PTSD as your exT suggested.

I constantly felt that my therapist had her methods custom-tailored for "real", proper traumas: the kind that happens ONCE, so you have one single, clear-cut situation with a series of identifiable triggers - triggers like a specific scent or a clearly identifiable social situation, not triggers like "social groups" or "every single institution ever, even hairdressers to some extent if I'm having a bad day" or "authority figures" or "people who seem cooler or more self-assured than I am, which, on a bad day, is pretty much everybody". I was left feeling that I had to get better before I could face therapy again.

Good grief.  Unfortunately not all T's know about CPTSD and can actually cause further damage by trying to fit us into their boxes.  But you went forward despite that so kudos!  I've learned that I do know what I need (although I haven't always had the language/terms to describe it), and like you it pays to listen to my self and go after what I need to recover. You sound like you've done a lot of great self-help work. Many tks for the info on what you've tried.  We're just building our resources here so passing along anything about what you've tried and how it helped (or didn't) is most welcome.

So glad you found your way here and thank you for posting, it was not too long at all and we do know that it takes courage; it usually gets easier.

Looking forward to chatting 

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks, Kizzie. It's already getting a bit easier. No one's killed me yet, which I take to be an encouraging sign, so the urge to go hide under the sofa is receding.

[Kizzie]

Now where else could you say something like that and everyone would just get it lol.   

[Rrecovery]

Hi and welcome,

I like your avatar    Glad you're here.