Complicated

[hiraeth]

I've started writing this post before and deleted everything halfway through because I reread it and couldn't believe how stupid I sounded.

But here goes. Again.

I'm a 23 year old female living with my mother, her "friend"/sugar daddy, and my two cats. In an SUV. Yes, I live in a car. I've lived in this car for most of 2017, although scattered days and weeks have been spent in motels. A couple of months on an inflatable mattress in my sister's apartment through the peak of summer. But the vast majority of my days and nights have been spent splayed out on the folded down back seats of this beat-up Honda Pilot.

How did I get here? Both my mother and father have long histories of their own trauma from their parents and life experience, including physical abuse, CSA, and military PTSD. Every single one of my mom's 5 brothers have been imprisoned for things like rape, arson, and murder. Both of her sisters dabbled in prostitution, dealing drugs, and abusing drugs. My own mother was the golden child, never committed any crimes, took care of my grandmother until her death in 2006, and is generally well-liked.

However, I have reason to believe she is a covert, vulnerable narc. My dad left the family home when I was 15, moved across the country a year later, and I've seen him once since.

My mom survived after my dad left by dating lonely divorced men in their 50s, and somehow convincing them to fund her life. One of the prominent ones entered her life soon after my dad departed, and we moved in together as a family. He experienced an injury at work and decided to retire. My mom didn't like going to work while he sat at home, so she was also "injured" and quit her job. While waiting for his retirement money to come in, we lost the apartment and moved to a hotel. This was 2012, right before I turned eighteen. Months in the hotel lead to frustration, and he left. My mom and I couldn't afford to continue paying for the motel. That summer we moved into her Mercedes Benz (which was subsequently repossessed).

Later that year, after finding another desperate guy with a compulsive spending problem, we moved into another apartment.
History repeated itself. He lost his business, couldn't afford the apartment, and in January we were evicted. A different car this time.

The combination of low income, evictions, and poor credit have made it IMPOSSIBLE, I repeat, IMPOSSIBLE, to find housing. The low income options out there are full with years long waiting lists.

And as for me? Well, maybe now in knowing a litle about my history and background, you'll be a little more understanding when I say I feel completely paralyzed. I have been along for the ride in other people's lives for as long as I can remember. I am the youngest of four children, and my mother didn't mean to get pregnant with me. I grew up as an afterthought. My dad worked and my mom was either completely preoccupied, or crushingly critical. I learned to lie at a young age to avoid punishment about the most benign, normal aspects of childhood. Punishment came in the form of physical violence, or if we were lucky, just the threat of it. I hid a lot, stayed in the background, and learned not to speak up. Even when I was viciously bullied at school, I kept quiet for fear of being blamed and embarrassed by the people who were supposed to protect me.

I was suicidal at eleven years old, after inexplicably being taken out of public school, away from my secret school friends, in favor of homeschooling. I went to meet with a teacher once a week for an hour and spent the rest of my time at home or in church.
My parents discouraged me creatively, never signing me up for extracurriculars or trying to hone in on a talent. At 23 I feel I have none. I struggled in school from then on, and passed by copying from the answer sheets the homeschool teacher provided for my parents to check my homework. They never did.
I convinced them to let me attend high school, and was a loner, bullied mercilessly. I was cornered in the gym locker rooms by a group of girls who promised to beat me up. I started skipping class.
After 10th grade I dropped out. My mom didn't notice.
The next year I decided to enroll myself in homeschool. I had spent months in isolation, and after being blackmailed and harassed and bullied online, I needed to get my life together and crawl out of that deepening well of depression. Upon asking my mom to sign the enrollment paper, she snarled with breathless contempt "THIS IS THE LAST THING I'M EVER DOING FOR YOU!!"

I graduated after five years in high school.
I went on to have a few jobs here and there, none stuck. I experienced crippling paranoia and anxiety, for which I blamed myself.

Two years ago I spent three days in a psychiatric ward for suicidal thoughts/near attempt.

As I continue to type, I realize all the things I'm leaving out. The oppressive cult masquerading as a wholesome Christian congregation I attended from birth to age 14. The abusive older siblings with their defined 4F roles. The trauma of my grandmother's sudden death. Ages 11-17, talking to multiple men in their 20s online and learning to take nude pictures of my developing body to satisfy them. The intrusive thoughts. The self harm. The fear.

I know this post is longer than the rules allow. But it is complicated. And as the year comes to a close I feel more hopeless, helpless, and isolated than ever before.
I don't know what I hope this will accomplish, but I'm here and I'm reaching out.

[Combine59]

Just the fact that you wrote this shows how much of your background you "get". It takes a certain strength to know and then state "somethings wrong here". Once you see the whole messed up picture it's hard to unsee things. I'm sorry you feel hopeless, but please know there are choices. Since you are 23 and not a minor you do have options. Humans are creative beings and one of our best qualities is to think our way out of "impossible" places. You are not alone. It may feel like it some days or moments, but here you are understood. You are supported. Figure out what kind of future appeals to you and take some baby steps. Sending love and support in the search for a future that may look very different to what you may have experienced.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I'm glad you're here. I read your whole post, it wasn't too long and I'll bet (at least I hope) you feel better. The validating I've received here has helped me feel better about myself. We get it. 

[Rainagain]

I would like to welcome you too.

Your post is clear and shows a clear narrative with insight.

I hope you can see your way out of this situation, you are so aware you need to change things that There will be another option somewhere for you.

Stay strong and keep posting on here.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS hiraeth.  I am so glad you found your way here and are reaching out still after the trauma you have endured.  I'm not sure where you are but given you have access to a computer, can you gather up the strength to search for organizations in your area that do help those in your situation? I am thinking that women's organizations are most likely to be validating and know how to help (what resources are available, etc)

One link that we often recommend is called Hot Peach at  http://www.hotpeachpages.net.  It has an extensive international inventory of hotlines, shelters, refuges, crisis centers and women's organizations, searchable by country, and domestic violence resources in over 70 languages. 

Let us know how you make out and of course, keep on posting