New and desperate to pursue recovery

[OrinIncandenza]

I'm brand new to the recognition that I'm struggling with CPTSD as a result of lifelong emotional abuse from family and friends. I've been dealing with the symptoms for years but have been muddling through (and covering these emotions) with Klonopin. I've been off of it for about 6 months and only last week began having cascading realizations about the abuse. As a result of reading up on emotional abuse, I found CPTSD and for the first time in my life I feel like I understand myself and what I experience in every moment of my life.

I've just resumed therapy and seen a psychiatrist for the first time since these recognitions and I have been unfortunately disappointed by the lack of willingness to tailor an approach to what I'm now beginning to understand. The therapy I can be patient for, but the medication prescribed is not in any significant way different to what I've been prescribed for years when they thought I was bipolar and then later when my diagnosis was OCD. I'm on fire to pursue recovery in full recognition of the nature of my struggle, but I don't see anything like a similar enthusiasm and understanding from the people who are designated as the frontline of treatment.

I'm in a place where I'm just starting to discuss this with people in my life and figure out who can remain and who needs to be removed. I'm full of questions and voluminous thoughts and anxieties that I need to discuss constantly, so even 2 hours per week of therapy is nowhere near enough. I hope I've found the right place for support and information. I've been sleeping horribly so my thoughts are not as organized as I'd like but I hope this can serve as an opening to recovery.

For reference, I'm a 34 year old man in Chicago, currently out of work and struggling to feed myself. I'm working with a mental health nonprofit and have been prescribed trazadone and Zoloft, although I'm hesitant to take either. I've had the most relief from physical and mental symptoms with marijuana and am long-term hoping to gain access to medicinal marijuana as a part solution to some of my most debilitating symptoms. I've had good responses so far from the few friends and family I've told but am still in a sense trapped because my 2 original abusers are part of my nuclear family and I don't know if I can ever broach the subject with them, particularly because they've both been better people for nearly a decade and it almost feels cruel (I see the irony for sure!) to tell them what they put me through.

Any input is new and vital to me. I feel alive for the first time in 20 years but I can already see that the work involved to overcome this is extraordinary and very difficult. I know this feeling will dissipate so right now I'm just looking to progress as much as is possible while I have the energy for it. Thank you in advance!

[Libby12]

Welcome to the forum.  I am sure you will find a lot of support and information here. 

I think that many of us here will recognise the feeling of suddenly finding that there is a whole framework (cptsd) that explains everything that we have been suffering from, and been diagnosed with, for many years. It is a relief, but then such a disappointment that there seems to be so little on offer to address what you have uncovered.  This is where this forum has really helped - not feeling so completely alone in your new understanding.

Good luck to you in your journey and I hope we can all help you on your way.

Libby

[OrinIncandenza]

Thanks Libby. My priority beyond establishing some semblance of stability is to find a therapist more specifically trained in trauma and PTSD so that I can really delve into this and have an expert of sorts to work through it with me. My current therapist is a social worker who likely has more generalized experience and may not be equipped to properly aid in my recovery beyond being a sounding board.

I'm open to any tips or guides to locating a more specialized practitioner.

[Blueberry]

Hi and welcome to the forum 

You've come to the right place to get support and information! There is a ton of information to be found in posts all over the forum but also in the Resources section of the website.

Some of the downloads you can print out and take to docs or other health practitioners http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/ It can unfortunately be difficult to finda qualified practitioner, makes a world of difference when you do find one. I have been helped in the past though by people who were willing to educate themselves a bit about CPTSD and who were willing to work with me rather than saying "Me Practitioner, I know everything. You Patient, know nothing."

It's great that you feel alive for the first time in 20 years!

When there's a lot going on, 2 hours a week is too little time, I agree. But here on the forum you can discuss too as well as get things out of your system. Hope to see around the forum! 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, OrinIncandenza!

My priority... is to find a therapist more specifically trained in trauma and PTSD so that I can really delve into this

What you want is a trauma-informed therapist who knows the difference between PTSD and CPTSD. It's confusing, what with the names being so similar - the C in CPTSD does stand for "complex", but think of it as "cumulative" instead.

Arming myself with current knowledge about trauma and the lasting effects has been the most important thing I've found, and proved to be the turning point for me. The medical community is forced to use the current DSM, which does not recognize CPTSD as separate from PTSD, either in origin or treatment. But treating CPTSD with the same approach as PTSD can cause further damage.

The downloads Blueberry mentions are great to read, for your own information, and as a handy source of info for your health care specialists - whether they'll accept it or not, you'll at least be informed.

I'm glad you're here and I look forward to hearing more from you!

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi and welcome to the forum OrinIncandenza,

Congrats on getting here and all the work you've done to get to an understanding of the trauma you've been experiencing.

I've just resumed therapy and seen a psychiatrist for the first time since these recognitions and I have been unfortunately disappointed by the lack of willingness to tailor an approach to what I'm now beginning to understand. The therapy I can be patient for, but the medication prescribed is not in any significant way different to what I've been prescribed for years when they thought I was bipolar and then later when my diagnosis was OCD. I'm on fire to pursue recovery in full recognition of the nature of my struggle, but I don't see anything like a similar enthusiasm and understanding from the people who are designated as the frontline of treatment.

I am sorry you have been through such a merry-go-round of diagnoses and medical treatments. This, unfortunately, seems to be a common theme among people with CPTSD when coming into contact with the medical/psych community. From my experience, it's been a case of keeping looking and eventually finding someone who can help with an aspect of my CPTSD. Each seems to have their own 'box of tricks' or specialisms, their beliefs based on some text or personal experience... I have usually learned something new, or elevated to a new level in my recovery in such cases. I wish the same for you. I relate to wanting to stick to natural remedies, and though I have never tried medical marujiana, the idea has long appealed to me. I hope you can pursue this avenue in your state.