How can I help my partner?

[Cookido]

I have issues with c-ptsd and my partner have always tried his best to support me. However, my partner seems to be having problems himself. He differs a lot from me when he feels bad. He isolates himself, doesn't want to talk or do anything, sometimes he expresses suicidal thoughts. I am not sure why he feels this way.

Usually I emotionally dissociate when he feels this way. I don't feel empathy for him and it doesn't help that he barely tells me what's going on. I think he needs comfort, but I feel unable to give him that due to my own problems.

He is not motivated so seek therapy or any other kind of help. Am I even able to do anything? I'm so unsure to what to do or think, all I know is that it feels stressfull each time he becomes depressed like this.

Maybe someone has advice. Otherwise it helps being able to just write down my thoughts.

[sanmagic7]

cookido, having two people in a relationship who are struggling with personal issues where one is not ready/willing/able to seek help is very difficult, to say the least. 

a couple of questions came to mind:

has your partner ever voiced concern about his problems/behaviors?

have you ever told him about your concerns, how his unwillingness to talk about what's troubling him is stressful, how these things put a strain on the relationship?

if there is no communication from him whatsoever about his depression and the resulting behaviors, i don't think there's much you can do, to tell the truth.  i hate even saying that, but the reality is that we can't help someone who won't take a step to help themselves.

the suicidal thoughts aspect is concerning to me.  one thing you might do next time he expresses something like this is to call a helpline.  this is not something you need to deal with on your own.  i don't know how serious it might be, but to my mind, any talk of it is a life and death situation.  it might be his way he of asking for help before it's too late.  i'd rather err on the side of caution. 

it would be an act of love to do so.  we certainly don't want to see the people we care about suffering under such a heavy load that they're saying they can't take it anymore. 

i don't know what such a call would entail, don't know where you live, and he might be angry that you made the call.  i guess we have to weigh the pros and cons in such situations.  what would it be like to come home and find out that he went thru with his thoughts?  that's the downside of this type of situation.  just something to consider.

my very best to you with this, cookido.  my heart is with you.  sending a hug filled with warmth and love.

[Cookido]

Thank you so much sanmagic7 for your honesty and care.

To answer your questions, yes, my partner has voiced concerns. Yesterday we actually had a good conversation after I confronted him. I gave him an ultimatum, either he gets help or the relationship is over. He opened up about things I already suspected but not yet confirmed (for example addictions and lying).

I felt like the confrontation was an eye opener for him. He faced himself and spoke about things that he so far only kept to himself. Next week I will join him when meeting his doctor.

Maybe I give him too many chances. But it's difficult leaving someone who stood by me when I myself reached rock bottom.

I feel like I've gotten some clarity to the situation and you helped giving me the courage to confront him and to end the relationship if needed. Thank you ♡

[sanmagic7]

cookido, i think you gave him just the right amount of chances.  that confrontation was a very brave thing to do, and i'm glad it provided some positive results for both of you.  just a caution:  please be sure that you don't make idle threats - those will only, in the end, encourage the neg. behavior. 

i hope things go well with the doc, and some help is forthcoming.  that's the main thing, to my mind.  he's in trouble, possibly danger.  i think you did the very best possible thing for him and for yourself.  hopefully now that these doors are opened, some relief will be the result.  you're a good, supportive partner - he's a lucky man. 

if you feel like sharing the results of the doc visit, i'd be interested to hear how it turned out.  stay strong.  you did great.  big hug full of love and caring.

[Cookido]

Sorry for the late answer, but thank you for your kind words sanmagic7.

We went and saw a doctor together. The doctor agreed that my partner had issues that need professional treatment. My partner has sent in an application with the doctors support and hopefully he can go to a therapist as soon as possible!

My partner still have doubts and worries but I think we are both heading towards the right direction now.

[Rainagain]

Cookido,

Sounds like you have handled things exactly right.

Well done, its brilliant.