The secret that only I was hiding **triggers** really unloading

[Dee]

In the last few months I have come to realize that my extended family knew my father went to prison.  My family in the UK (I am in the US) contacted me and told me they found his conviction on the internet.  He passed away in May.  It is easy to find, it only requires an internet search of his name and the charges appear and prison sentence.  While I am not named, he was charged with rape and incest.  My family in the UK has been supportive.

I also know my nephews have asked where he went.  My sister told me she plans to tell them when the youngest turns 30.  I got very upset and she later said she decided not to do that.  Still, all one needs to do it type his name.  My sister is out of town and I have helped her son with child care issues.  He needs care early Saturday morning so for the second week I drove over an hour and a half to stay the night and watch them the next day.  I have noticed there is this ackward silence between us.  He usually is very outgoing, yet never seems to talk to me.  One on one there is no conversation at all.

Last night it dawned on me that he knows.  I don't know if my sister told him or he looked it up, but he knows.  I can feel it.  My sister and my mom are not supportive of me.  Despite physcial evidence and a confession they would rather believe nothing happened and I lied.  TW-physical evidence** I don't speak of it, ever, but I was pregnant and had to have an abortion.  There was DNA.**  He had no choice but to confess.  My sister is in strong denial for her own personal reasons.  My mom can't admit that she enabled him.  From what I have researched this is unfortunately, often the case.

It breaks my heart but I can't be treated like this.  I don't like being treated with silence and such discomfort.  So next week I'll go down one last time and then my sister will return from her vacation.  I don't plan to ever have anything to do with them again.  Here is the thing, it never ends.  I thought when my dad went to prison it would be over.  Then I thought when he died it would be over.  Now I know, family secrets don't stay secret.  He doesn't have the facts, he has never talked to me.  Still, I can't be treated that way.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry she's treated you this way, for such a long time. Your S and your M sound very, very sick to me. It follows that your nephew has also been lied to. There's no telling what she's told him. Enough to keep him distant from you so he doesn't learn the truth.

That is an awful secret to have to carry. My empathy and compassion for you are working overtime! A horrible burden has been weighing you down and I am hopeful that the telling of it has relieved your burden, somehow. Or that in time it will be relieved.

Of course you know it's not your fault, but if you're anything like me your head knows the things that happened were outside your control; but your heart feels differently. So let me say to you, fellow survivor, it wasn't your fault. You were, and are, innocent.

I'm standing with you.  

[Kat]

Ugh...secrets.  NO!  It's secrets that abusers depend upon.  I'm sorry, but I feel very strongly about this.  You have nothing to hide.  Your nephew should hear the truth from you.  If he doesn't believe you, that's his problem.  If he chooses to be in denial along with his mother and grandmother, so be it.  You did nothing wrong.  And you will not be doing anything wrong by telling the truth.  It will be difficult and awkward, but I believe it will also be freeing. 

I don't have memories of my abuse.  And I'm not in your situation where you know what was done and the person who did it confessed he did.  So maybe it's easy for me to say these things.  I don't know.  It just seems so wrong that you have to bite your tongue.  Hopefully, the support you're getting from your family in the UK will help bolster you whatever you decide.

[Blueberry]

Dee, I second what threeRoses wrote.

I am appalled at the behaviour of S and M. But it really seems that the abuse and secrets never end. In my FOO you can maybe understand - there is no physical evidence at all, just crazy, gullible Blueberry who probably got fed ideas from a therapist or something ... but you've got hard physical evidence and even the courts agreed with you, but M and S are denying somehow. 

You're right, you can't be treated like this. I like that you are standing up for yourself and that you are expressing that, at least to us. That's one huge step.   

[Dee]

Thank you for your support.  When I was inpatient and was discussing the threat of my sister telling my nephews I started to panic.  I said I don't have any of the evidence, but still it is public record so maybe I can write and request it.  I started planning how to prove myself.  My T stopped me and said not to do that; I don't have to prove anything.  He's right, I don't have to keep defending myself. 

I can honestly say this morning it is no longer a secret.  I had a brief conversation with my kids about two months ago.  They don't know much, but they know their grandfather was in prison.  Now, I am sure my nephews know.  It was bound to happen at some point.

Right now, I don't want to have a conversation with my nephew.  I may change my mind later, but for now I don't.  I also don't want him to be placed in a position where he was to decide if his mother is wrong.  Maybe I will feel differently later.  My kids are on their own (my daughter leave 13 November) and I no longer feel I need to keep family ties (and secrets) for their sake.

Today I feel like I will just walk away after I finish my commitment to him.  Even if I feel he is using me.  My interest is in meeting the needs of my great-nephews to include their dad keeping his job.  Then if anyone ask, I'll be honest.  I don't usually have much contact with him anyway.  Only when he needs something.

As far as my sister goes, she has repressed memories that come out when she drinks, then she forgets.  Her denial is a coping mechanism that she needs because she can't handle the alternative.  My mom, how can she admit her role?

[Three Roses]

You know what is best for you! Do what feels right to you, we'll back you all the way. 

[Blueberry]

You know what is best for you! Do what feels right to you, we'll back you all the way. 

   

My T says I don't have to prove anything either.

BTW I think you're being a wonderful aunt to your nephews/great nephews, the way you're thinking of them too in all of this. It says to me so much of what a really loving heart you must have.

[Kat]

Good for you, Dee!!  You're really taking care of yourself and setting boundaries.  Well done! 

[Dee]

I talked to my therapist and when I go down on Friday she suggested I say something if there is awkward silence.  She said elephants in the room don't say anything.  She said something small like, "why the silence?" or "is there a reason you are not talking to me?"  She said to remember that he has had his own stuff, isn't winning father of the year and he could be wondering what I think of him.  No jumping to conclusions.

[Blueberry]

That's an interesting idea from your T, especially with nephew "not winning father of the year" and that alone might make him non-communicative around you.

[BlancaLap]

I'm so so sorry. Your story is terrible... and it looks like you M and S aren't healthy supportive people... Your father was a terrible person for doing what he did and he deserved to go to prison and die there (sorry but I'm very angry). I just hope you find the love and support you deserve.