emotional flashback when asserting myself?

[integrity]

So I think a trigger for me is putting myself forward, being assertive or taking initiative. Its ok unless I'm on high alert already and then it makes me feel very afraid. But then if I feel that i haven't been listened to or if someone pushes back on my assertiveness, it seems like that really pushes me over the edge and into a full on panic/EF. Is that possible? DH thinks its because my mother enmeshed with me, never listened anddidnt really allow self assertion. I see his point but it sounds so bizarre.
Also, its definitely a maladaptive mechanism now. I can see how it was helpful to fly under the radar as a kid. Now it just messes my life up but when I do assert myself I get super shaky and afraid or else aggressive.

[Sceal]

Hello Integrity,

I think it's fully possible that it's triggering an EF.
How about taking smaller steps when you're moving forward? Allowing yourself to feel the progress bit by bit instead of chewing off so much that you get triggered into an EF? Or taking initiative on a smaller base?
I don't know to which degree that triggers you, but smaller steps could be:

- Be the first one who sends a text message to a friend, or call your friend ( later invite your friend for coffee, or go out to meet, or similar. )
- Find out where you can get information on xyz (and later read the information, and later take the first step implementing it)
- Find a recipie for a new dish (and another day get the ingredients, and another day do the actual cooking)

Or maybe do some mindfulness excersises before and/or after to ground yourself and prepare yourself?

[integrity]

Those all great ideas, thanks I like the concept of being ok with doing things a bit at a time.
I think my biggest problem is when I ask for what I need (esp at work) or reveal my inner world (eg to my friends). I feel so anxious just thinking about doing it and after even if I haven't gone into full on panic I still second guess myself endlessly. Maybe it's about being vulnerable and trusting which would make a lot of sense.
Any tips for how to break asking for what I need at work down into little bits?

[Sceal]

It would be easier if I knew what sort of things you need at work, and what sort of work you do.

I mean, if it's interpersonal maybe prepare yourself beforehand what you're going to say?
If it's ergonomically remember that it's in the interesst of the workplace that you don't get any workplace injuries as that may cost them alot in the future?
If it's task-related, then perhaps you could ask if you're eligible for training in that field?

A bit hard to come with good examples.
When I worked at the doctor's office I had to ask for help many times. I'm rather short so I needed something to put my legs on while sitting at the desk. I remember we had to get some new furniture from IKEA and I offered to go pick it up, and asked if I could get a footstand if I found one at the same time. So I did my bosses a favour, and I got what I needed.
I also occationally needed help with doing blood-work (everyone who does blood-work will occationally meet patients that for some reason they cannot find a single working vein - while others can), I'd ask my colleague if she could give it a try after I'd failed.
If there was a patient that I had incredible low patience with and who just rubbed me the wrong way I'd ask my colleague to deal with them, and I would deal with some of the ones she had trouble dealing with.
I'm not sure if this was helpful..

[Three Roses]

Hi!

If you're not comfortable asking for what you need at work, maybe some role playing with a friend, or practice in the mirror? Visualization? Hope that's helpful.

[integrity]

Thanks Sceal and Roses.
Those are helpful hints. I think role playing is a good idea.
I'm still trying to figure out what the actual problem is. I seem to get triggered all the time at work.
Thanks though I really appreciate the input.

[Healing Finally]

Hi integrity  - I like your name

I used to get triggered all the time at work, it's better now. Isn't it interesting how one can get triggered but not know why?  It sure can drive one crazy 

You say it was much more comfortable to fly under the radar when you were younger, I know that feeling.  That's where it's safe, staying in the background, no confrontations.  I find that I am dreadfully fearful of any type of confrontation, as it was difficult for me to assert myself in my family (still is.) 

When you say someone "pushes back on your assertiveness", what do you mean by that?  Are they really pushing back, or are they proposing something different and that feels like "pushing back" which may cause the EF?

I think as you get closer to understanding what pushes that button to set off the EF, you will find more confidence in asserting yourself.