Dissociation? "Forgot" Part of Yesterday

[Kat]

As many of you know, I was re-traumatized earlier this week and have been walking around in a daze.  Last evening, I finally felt like the fog had lifted.  I spoke to my T on the phone and felt myself coming back together...I mean this almost literally, if that's possible.

I'm not working right now and have just kind of been hanging out at home with my kids doing chores, reading, and watching a lot of TV.  I keep a brief journal in which I jot down the major emotions of the day, how well I've taken care of myself, etc.  I hadn't filled it in for a few days and couldn't recall very well what all I'd done from day to day this week.

After jotting a few things in the journal, I pulled up a email I'd sent yesterday.  In it, I mentioned going to the Dept. of Motor Vehicles.  That blew my mind because I'd forgotten all about going.  Once I read it, I could pull up a detailed memory, but I checked and double-checked the day and date because it really doesn't feel like I just did that yesterday.  If I hadn't read it in the email, I would not have remembered going at all.

I know I dissociate and tend to have memory issues, but this has kind of rocked me a bit. Have others experienced this type of forgetting?

[Dee]

Yes, all the time.  Sometimes as hard as I try, I simply cannot remember what I did the day before.

I also imagine you are in shock.  Not only from what happened, but what you learned about what happened.  Your world has been rocked.  It is like going through the motions, but not really living.  I can only guess from experience.  I joke that awareness sucks, but it really does at times.  However, without awareness we cannot heal or change.  My heart really does go out to you.

[Candid]

Oh, yes. I write the main events in a wee (A7) diary every night or I wouldn't have a clue where I've been.

I checked and double-checked the day and date because it really doesn't feel like I just did that yesterday.

I agree with Dee that you're probably in shock. Our brains' timekeeper runs independently of clocks and calendars.  When you've got a lot to process, it's always going to feel as though much more time has passed than is really the case.

You're doing really well, Kat. 

[LittleBird]

I like making plans for my day. I allow myself spontaneity if I need it, but sometimes having that structure helps.

[Candid]

CPTSD makes people very organised.  My filing system and record-keeping could be a full-time job if I let them.  Just saying...

[Dee]

It's a control thing..

[LittleBird]

I'm much messier and forgetful when I don't feel in control of my emotions/health.

How are you finding it today Kat?

[Kat]

Ugh...I find phone calls to strangers to deal with business matters dreadful.  I tend to avoid them.  You're right, it's the whole no body language to reference thing.  Along those lines, I was reading something about Julie Sweet who is CEO at Accentuate (I think). She basically got rid of corporate emails in her company. She prefers video conference calls or prerecorded videos saying they're less ambiguous.  Interesting.

I've recently gone back to work, so things have been busy.  My kids started back to school.  Lots going on.  Lots to juggle and try to remember.  I'm relying a lot on lists--lots of lists.  I'm not losing time nearly as much, but there are still mornings I wake up and wonder what happened the night before.

Do any of you sometimes have trouble understanding what others are saying to you, almost like they're speaking another language when they're not?  Nights are hard for me.  That's when I'm most likely to dissociate.  I find myself having trouble following what my kids are telling me at times.  I can't seem to follow the conversation or understand what they're saying.  I hate it.  They're at school during the day while I'm at work and then the time we're finally together is when I start to really struggle.  My son is becoming a teenager.  My T suggested I let him know about my struggles and maybe start a back-and-forth journal with him.  That way he knows I'm hearing him and responding appropriately.  It might be fun.

[Three Roses]

Yes, I totally relate to drifting off in the middle of someone else's sentence and having real trouble getting back to what they are saying. This feels a little dream-like to me when it happens.

[Candid]

It's a control thing..

I agree.  The eternal struggle to 'get it right'.

Yes, I totally relate to drifting off in the middle of someone else's sentence and having real trouble getting back to what they are saying. This feels a little dream-like to me when it happens.

Me too.  With chronic insomnia I'm perpetually sleep-deprived.  When I'm overtired I dissociate practically all the time, not safe to walk around much less cross the road.  This http://www.brainworksneurotherapy.com/what-are-brainwaves might shed a bit of light.  If we're not getting our zzzzzzz, we're pretty much dreaming with our eyes open. 

[Kat]

Getting the whole sleep thing right is such a struggle.  For many years, I had trouble getting to sleep.  One psychiatrist prescribed me sleep meds, but I liked the fuzzy feeling they gave me so much I would end up drinking to prolong it, so still no sleep and wicked hangovers and toxic shame, not to mention the danger of mixing the two.  I took myself off of them and haven't gone back.  I've always self-medicated with alcohol, and I truly think it may have started as a way to knock myself out because I had to much trouble finding sleep.

Strangely, the last few years, I haven't had as much trouble finding sleep.  I've always found that I seem to need more sleep than others, however.  I was off work the last few weeks and consistently slept at least 12 hours a night and often up to 15 hours.  I honestly think it was helpful to my moods, which makes it tough now that I'm back at work and getting fewer than 8 hours a night.  The concept of getting out of bed feeling refreshed and ready for the day is so foreign to me. 

[BlancaLap]

I can relate to this... this happens to me a lot and it botheres me. Sorry that happens to you too

[LittleBird]

I am struggling to remember the month 

Best thing is to go slow when we find ourselves in these states. Not always easy, especially if you have kids, work, other responsibilities... Good to make time for ourselves when possible tho.