DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you were able to find something positive for yourself there.  that's what counts.

acknowledging our dark side is freeing.  i think of 'star wars' and 'neverending story', 2 movies who embraced that very theme as part of their stories.   now, however, i tend to stay away from movies, conversations, etc., that dwell on hatred, disrespect, non-acceptance, excesses for their own sake, et.al. because it saddens me too much to be constantly reminded of the cruelty and inhumanity perpetrated on some by others.

i remember visiting the vietnam memorial in wash., d.c., and being struck still with tears for all that unnecessary loss of some of our best and brightest.  i was able to find the name of my friend on that wall and run my finger over it in loving memory.  i will never visit it again.

i'm glad you were able to leave anger behind there on your 'journeys' to the dark side.   i also believe too many of the systems in place are irrevocably flawed, not just in not protecting, but in actively harming people.  that is what i hate.   

[DecimalRocket]

San, I'm sorry to hear what happened to your friend. Thank you for the validation though. I was nervous people here would think my idea was crazy and abandon me. But you were there. Thank you. Yes, acknowledging our dark sides can be very freeing. Maybe we can only understand the darkness in other people when we understand it in ourselves. Maybe it's only evil that can defeat evil.

......

I'm changing for the better.

And I'm scared of it.

It probably has to do with being an Aspie, but I don't enjoy change. I enjoy a change of new perspectives and intellectual hobbies , but emotionally and practically. . . it leaves me anxious. I like to eat the same dinner every night. I like it when people I meet come at the exact scheduled time - not too early or too late. I like sitting at the exact spot on the couch in the same position. And I can get stressed without things like these.

But emotional changes are harder. Because to me, something inside me is harder to stop resisting the change in. Because I fear the problems of stagnancy more than I do change. Other than the part of me that meshes with my cautious routinely side -- an intellectual thrill seeker that thrives on the fascination over new profound and/or complex ideas.

As I share more of my ideas in real life and online, I wonder. . . Do I deserve to be listened to?

As I gain progress in my struggle to understand people, people become . . . more real. I thought I understood "How human beings are complex" before, but I've never comprehended so deeply that every human being I've met or never met has their individual dreams, insecurities, passions and pain. I'm overwhelmed by all the possible mistakes I'm aware and not aware of with so many people I've met in the past, and could in the future.

Because after all, words are power. And do I deserve that power? What if something I later found was wrong and someone spreads or uses that misconception? What if I unintentionally hurt someone? What if I hadn't thought my ideas through enough? What if as my words slowly gain more and more respect, that it influences people in the wrong direction - even without knowing it? What if I explain things that people misunderstand in some way and could hurt them?

I'm familiar with being afraid of not knowing enough to cope with my own problems. It's newer to fear not contributing knowledge right with other people.

As my fears extend for other people, my focus on my interests have become more razor focused, made to master than just for my own curiosity. More made to use to teach, to inspire my own ideas or use for others someday, rather than just casually visiting one interest from another. I take more chances to ideas I'm not sure would work and attempt to implement them. And the possibilities of the world never seemed so endless.

I'm panicked.  I'm consumed with worry of what my words can do. My heart keeps pounding. My body is tensing up. I want to scream in total frustration out into the open.

And I've never been so thrilled in my entire life.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're on your own thrill ride, d.r.  learning about something, then all the questioning of the same thing.  quite a lot of ups and downs there.

i think we all will hurt others unintentionally at times, mainly because, as you say, the many complexities of people are not available to us all the time, and we will step over boundaries occasionally without meaning to do so.  i also believe that's part and parcel of getting to know each other.

when we say or do something that bothers someone else (and i'm talking about adults here), and we had no intent to hurt them, it's on them to let us know that it did bother/hurt them.  then, we can acknowledge what we did, apologize for it, respect the interaction, and do our best not to cross that line with them again.

this is in adult relationships with equal power that i'm referring to.  even tho i was an adult, my first t was, as i see her now, a narc among other things, and she took advantage of my ignorance and lack of sense of self to manipulate me in so very many ways that i ultimately ended an 8 yr. relationship with her (as client, best friend, confidante, and employee all at the same time) after which i needed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, neither of which i'd been on before i'd met her.

so, when talking about 'making' someone do something cuz of your words, no, that can't be done.  in equally-powered relationships, we can listen to and hear what the other person says, and make our own decisions about it.  you're not threatening, coercing, compelling, or manipulating anyone simply by speaking your opinions, thoughts, and feelings about anything.

as far as routines, at this stage of my life, i'm more comfortable with my routines.  when i was younger, i was definitely a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of gal - off here and there on a whim, lots of people around, going here and there on a moment's notice.  after i began getting sick, i preferred quite the opposite.  i'm becoming a bit more flexible now, but still like to be in my own place at my own pace as much as possible.

do you deserve to be listened to?  just as much as the next person.  that doesn't mean everyone will understand what you're saying, what you're meaning, or what they can contribute to your conversation.  but, yeah, you deserve to be listened to.   we all do.  there are topics i don't talk much about to most anyone, not because i don't deserve to be listened to, but because some of them might be frightening to others, and i don't want to do that, don't want to possibly make people fearful.

you're on an adventure of self-discovery, d.r.  there will be exhilarating parts to it, and frightening parts to it.  i think you're doing really well.     

[DecimalRocket]

Heh heh. San, self discovery? More like others discovery. I know a lot about what I want and need. It's that this time I'm thinking of what others want and need . . .   in a strange mix of strict rationality and compassion. But I'm glad to hear I'm doing well from you — I didn't think I was.

By this time, you probably know how much confusion makes me scared. So I deeply appreciate you walking me through this and explaining ideas for me. It was deeply calming and reassuring, especially with how much I resist the irrationality and out of control feelings of these emotions.

Though, to critique on my skills around relationships, love and emotions is kinda . . . hitting my sensitive spot a little there. Okay, maybe, more than a little. . . But I know I needed to hear that anyway or else my distress would be even worse.

I probably need to go research and analyze something familiar and complex to calm down. Haha. . . Well, I'll go do that now..

[sanmagic7]

o, d.r., again i apologize that i didn't make myself more clear.  i wasn't critiquing you or how you have relationships.  i was simply throwing out generic info that i've learned along the way about intent, boundaries, responses, etc.. which is why i included a personal anecdote.   that wasn't directed at you personally.  i have no idea how you are with relationships, so there's no way i can critique that.  it's not my business, anyway, unless you were to ask about it.

can self-discovery, from a very logical perspective, include how we see and interact with others?  looking at what others want and need seems, to me, (and this is only my opinion) to be another facet of self - self turned outward.  something along the lines that my 'self' has more to it than just how it serves me for myself, but also how it serves me in community.  i see it as more discovery.  maybe i'm all wrong here, but that's how i see it.  you don't have to agree, that's for sure. 

i do think you're doing well.  i enjoy your points to ponder.  it's interesting to me how many twists and turns your logic can take, and i've always liked logical discussions, too.   

[DecimalRocket]

​Thanks San, as always. 

There seems to be a link between being an Aspie and trauma in my life. Being misunderstood. The lack of social awareness. The bullying over me. The oversensitive senses. Black and white literal thinking. Repetitive movements. Yes. . .

I feel oddly embarrassed that my therapist diagnosed me with both Asperger's syndrome and PTSD at the same time (No CPTSD diagnosis in the area.). It feels like that anyone knowing those two labels would form an image of what I'm supposed to be like too soon. I'd like to keep it a secret to most -- I'm not the image of those preconceptions - not below or above other people. I'm just . . . me.

Sigh. Let me remember. . .  for just a little bit.

Trigger Warning***
In majority of my time as a child, I was the class bookworm hunched over pages in solitude, but from a bit here and there, I served as the class clown. Even winning many peoples' attention. I genuinely enjoyed it, but I felt a confusing strange resistance to it at times, as if other people were treating me like a silly puppet than a human being. I didn't think I fully understood what the difference between laughing at me or laughing with me was.

But in my world — other people were still mean to me. Stealing my things. Making fun of how I often rocked back and forth. Swiftly touching me with the "Cheese Touch", a trend copied from the Wimpy Kid Diaries Series that made other kids avoid you. I was short tempered back then, and I spent time taking revenge back with words or violence, as teachers' efforts never seemed to cause any permanent change. The teachers were often kneeling down to me gently and firmly to say, "Just stop being angry," or "Just stop crying, " without ever asking me why I was. I had so much potential with the intelligence and curiosity has shown -- why did I have to be so emotional?

My mom was frustrated, shouting at me at how deeply embarrassed she was of my behavior until I cried, especially with some of my pranks - I only knew recently that she did so because she thought I truly wanted to hurt her and others. In fact, a therapist a few years later would agree, I was sensitive to sound, and when I was deeply stressed, it could literally feel noise was drilling into my brain as physical pain. My mom's shouts were often those drills. I didn't understand her explanations as to my little black and white world back then -- either people loved all humor or hated all of them. Either everyone cared about me, or no one did. Either I was a genius or I was an idiot.

And so I concluded that all humor was wrong, that no one cared, that I never knew enough, and this broke me. I loved messing around. I loved attention and praise. I loved to learn things and grow. I spent time weeping over my fears alone feeling like I've done something worthy of death.

[Three Roses]

I would like to give little DR a friendly hug, a warm smile, a hand to hold. A pile of books to indulge in and a cup of hot chocolate. Hugs to you, dear DR, if you want them. 

[sanmagic7]

i agree that getting those kinds of labels can seem limiting, like that's all there is to you.  i, personally, don't believe it's true.  as a therapist, i know that we are compelled to come up with a diagnosis asap to put on the forms that are sent to ins. companies.  that was how we got paid, so the sooner the better.  to me, it was really one of the most difficult things to do as a therapist, and the part of it all that i disliked the most.  i didn't like labeling.  still don't.

so, the labels are for the paperwork, but not necessarily for your life.  you keep doing what you're doing, d.r., which is recovering from trauma of whatever kind you endured.   you are so much more than anything written on a piece of paper.  you are working hard to bring yourself into a new space and place in your life.

for that i commend you.  sending a hug filled with encouragement and support. (if that's ok - if not, just ignore that part). 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey 3Roses, thanks for the items you've given me. I really appreciate the image — comforting and relaxing. 

Thank you, San. I'm glad you just see me as me. 

....

Everyone has their own individual signs of progress, and I have my own.

One of them was boredom. Not a meaningless or empty boredom. But a boredom that yearned for exploration. A boredom that was alive, and not dead. A boredom that relished fear when it came.

I always hated fear. I once thought courage was feeling no fear. Later I thought courage was soldiering on despite fear. But I understood — that the courage I had growing these days was because I began to love fear more deeply.

I found myself sinking into a flashback.

I remember my 11 year old self was typing rapidly into a keyboard. I wanted to know if a God existed, and I felt if I didn't know the answer, it would endager me my entire life.

I was 14, pacing quickly around near the dinner table, and wondering if reality existed. How could I prove I was not a brain hooked up to a machine giving me the illusion of reality?

I was 15 sitting upon the foot of the bed and I worried if humanity had enough knowledge to survive — history has shown that what was seen as normal are now backwards today. So I and the world might be doing something horrible — even causing a major extinction for our species. . .

I'd have multple panic attacks and tears over it, often being hidden under the blankets. I was deeply afraid, yet . . . deeply fascinated, even excited. Even with the few people I relied to online, they couldn't relate to it at all.

I understood I was different, pondering things no one else seemed to, and I felt . . . truly alone.

[sanmagic7]

that's pretty heavy stuff to ponder, d.r., especially at those ages.  existential in some areas.  did you ever come up with answers that felt satisfactory? 

personally, i think some of the goings-on in the world today, altho they may take great intellect, are not the smartest.  that may sound like a paradox, or a pair of ducks, take your pick.  (supposed to be gentle humor). 

i can understand why you may have felt all alone.  i would guess there weren't too many kids who were thinking those kinds of things.  sounds like you were far and away ahead of your time. 

yep, i agree with you that progress is individual and personal.   i think, on one level, part of your progress includes sending       to people who respond to you.   that's really nice, has a warmth to it, an intangible rather than pure logic.  thanks.      back to you.

[DecimalRocket]

San, thank you for being there with me all this time. You don't know how you just listening to me and validating me has changed my life for the few months on this site.

I thought about making another long post but I had enough of that today with my post, "How Being a Jack of All Trades Taught Me About Acceptance," in the "Successes, Progresses" forum. So it'll just be a shorter than usual one here now.

Did I ever find satisfactory answers?

You see, my obsession with knowledge was similar to a selfish rich man's obsession with money. It was greed to ask for more and more but never was satisfied with it enough. It was shallow to use the riches of knowledge to show off and brag to others. It was selfishness to keep all the information I've learned in my own private piggy bank but never sharing them to others. It was workaholism to keep looking for more to know even when it sacrifices the goodness of other parts in life, like emotions or action.

I learned to be more frugal with it, you see.

The answer to my fear, shame and anger around not knowing enough wasn't to become some all knowing being.

It was to be fine with not knowing everything. And turns out being fine with not knowing makes it possible for me to not force answers that aren't well thought out enough, and to really examine what I didn't know.

I don't know if it will last, but today I think I was fine with that part of me today.

Today, I believe I know enough.

[sanmagic7]

dang, d.r., that sounds like real progress to me.  those are quite some heavy realizations to be able to admit, and i commend you for them.  i'm very happy for you - that was the first feeling i had when i read what you wrote at the end.  really.  it felt like a sort of contentment at last. 

whether it can be maintained or not can be changed from day to day, but for this day, you felt it, believed it, and that counts.  and i truly believe that if we get those kinds of feelings once, we can get them again if they don't always stick around.  yep, you are doing really well.  yay.   

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
It's good to know that you felt you 'knew enough' - because that potentially shows you're feeling more comfortable what you know - and I think that's positive.
to you and wishing you lots of positive things for 2018.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Your post is filled with hope and determination. It is wonderful to read!

I just wanted to drop on by and wish you a happy celebration and a all the best wishes for the year coming! Happy New years!

[LittleBird]

Dr, your post filled me with hope too. I believe I know enough and I'm content with that (in this moment). It's a difficult balancing act.