Had it can’t do anymore

Eyessoblue · October 25, 2017, 04:35:15 PM

Hi I've been drinking a lot today. Really bad flashbacks today about my dad and abuse, I can't do this anymore, seriously it's ten steps forward and 20 back I just get there and another flashback again! My alcohol intake is ridiculous, do I tell this to my psychologist or do I just battle on Aline, she tells me I need a vice to help and alcohol it is, it's on;y half five nd I've drunk more then I can handle, please, what do I do, I can't handle being back in this picture of what happened, if I didn't have alcohol and fags I would be dead, I hate this -post but just need someone to tell me it's ok and I'll get there,ten steps forward 20 back aghhhhhhhh I've re ally had it today .

Blueberry · October 25, 2017, 05:02:31 PM

I'm sorry you're having so many flashbacks and are feeling so bad.

I don't know what to say to you. You know as well as i do that our addictions and self-harm aren't the answer. I also know and read an Eyessoblue who is sober and is making progress. So there is that part of you too. 10 steps forward, 20 back and then 30 forward. That's how it goes. You will get back onto that too.

FWIW I've been told when it all spirals out of control that I should choose the least harmful addiction. In my case that's eating and sleeping.

Does your psychologist tell you you need a "vice" to help or a "voice"? Your psychologist knows you better than I do, or anybody on here I guess, if she intimates that alcohol is OK in your present state, I don't feel I can argue that.

Hope my post isn't completely useless. Ignore if that's the case.

Dee · October 25, 2017, 05:50:28 PM

I suspect your therapist has said that you have used alcohol has been an unhealthy coping tool that you have used. I also suspect that she is working to help you replace it with healthy ones. That is the case for me, and yes alcohol has been one of those. I do find that it increases flashbacks. I have a flashback, then I want a drink to calm down, but in the end it only makes them worse.

I would recommend you tell her. She isn't there to judge, only to help. She cannot help if you are not completely honest with her and tell her what you need help with. I have an issue doing that myself. I am ashamed of my behavior so I don't want to tell on myself, but I know I have to or I'm not doing anything for myself. My way of dealing with it is to write a letter and drop it off. She knows that it's hard for me and I don't want to be around when she reads it. Then when I go in she has it and we discuss it in a supportive way.

JamesG · October 26, 2017, 08:54:47 AM

you need to tell the therapist, they don't judge. But you have to be honest for the effect that honesty has on you. Disclosure is the big release, bigger than alcohol.

So sorry that you have this burden to carry, such abuse from someone you are supposed to trust is beyond my ability to sum up.

With drinking you kind of need to reach a point where you decide against it very deep down, but right now it's clearly cathartic and it's no wonder that you are leaning on it. Yes it's not ideal, but don't feel shame or judgement, you are not drinking alone, you are drinking in response to some terrible pressures and the last thing you need to do is feel any guilt or judgement from the outside.

My mantra regarding the drinking and any other PTSD spin offs is a simple "is it any suprise?" Really, ask yourself how many people around you could take such memories and pain and skip along as if nothing is happening. If they think they can, ask em to try for an hour with a bottle of gin in their hand and see how long the cap stays on.

You are trying to process incredibly tough things, too tough almost, but even now, with the drink in your hand, you are fighting back. Yes the alcohol isn't ideal, but the important thing is that you are in here, expressing your feelings, searching for ways to beat this thing down and normalise some major life stuff, stuff that most people couldn't handle. You are tougher than you realise, and you are facing an incredible challenge, but you WILL win.

Defiance Blueberry. Defiance.

Blueberry · October 31, 2017, 03:17:57 PM

James,
I like what you write here. It speaks a lot to me in my present state - just after 4 days of intensive group therapy.

I'm glad you and Dee both posted, admitting to alcohol problems too. I was hoping somebody would, probably means more to a person struggling with alcohol than somebody like me posting, with plenty of other harmful coping mechanisms, but not alcohol.

Eyessoblue, I second what James wrote and I hope you are doing as well as you can now with whatever you are doing. You might know from some of my posts that my ways of dealing are not ideal, but they are the ways I have, e.g. staying in bed for most of the day. So I didn't mean to dump any shame, guilt or judgement on you. There are reasons why I never turned to alcohol, but that had nothing to do with strength of character or anything nonsensical like that.

sanmagic7 · October 31, 2017, 09:19:10 PM

eyessoblue, i'm an alcoholic in recovery, drank to excess for many, many years.

so very sorry you're battling these flashbacks. i'm with the others in suggesting you let your psych. know what's going on with you. unfortunately, at the same time alc. can feel like it's giving you relief, it can also be making things worse. no guilt, shame, or blame here, just heartfelt compassion for what you're going through and how you're coping. the whole cycle just stinks.

sending you a big hug filled with more steps forward than back, acceptance, and love. you're not alone - been there, done that.

Eyessoblue · November 01, 2017, 03:13:44 PM

SanMagic, I had no idea on your past and I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. I'm struggling daily with my alcohol intake it's getting more by the day and starting earlier each day. My psychologist has had to sign me off for a month as it's part of the ridiculous nhs procedure, but I do know I'll be returning in December which gives me some hope but in the meantime I'm left struggling to get through each day feel like I'm battling against the demons! Thank you the rest of you too for your comments.

sanmagic7 · November 03, 2017, 02:15:42 AM

yeah, i hear you. it will just keep getting worse - that's how this cycle goes, until you get yourself out of it. sending you all the strength i can muster to help with this. if you ever feel the need to chat more on this, pm me. i'm there for you, cuz i've been where you are. sending you a hug filled with compassion and love.

Eyessoblue · November 04, 2017, 03:41:51 PM

Thank you so much SanMagic.

LearnToLoveTheRide · January 21, 2018, 06:44:41 PM

Hi Eyesofblue

You've written some wonderful, creative and deeply compassionate posts.

Thank you.

The pain Just highlights the joy. Where you feel the pain most, is where you start the by healing. The subconscious can only talk to the consciousness via Feelings and emotions.

When the boys and I ran, I started to crave the addictions I'd left behind 25 years. So. Clean and sober for 25 years I started going back to AA and NA meetings.

It's different for me but people help when you show them your pain.

LTLTR

Eyessoblue · January 22, 2018, 04:54:13 PM

Learntolovetheride, thank you for your words, I totally get what you're saying. Thank you.

LearnToLoveTheRide · February 14, 2018, 07:32:12 AM

Eyessofblue

It has been awhile. How are you now? December and January were terrible for me.

You deserve a better life for yourself. It comes slowly, day by day, sober day by day.

We are all human. We make mistakes and we hurt. But we have the ability to heal ourselves, moment by moment.

Alcohol cannot cure your, or anyone's CPTSD. Be compassionate with yourself.

Take care. LTLTR