I need my brain back

[RJay]

TW EXTREME VIOLENCE, SA

Hi. I'm new. Being normal is something I've never had the privilege to feel even slightly normal. I never knew I had complex PTSD until February this year.

In my 3rd world country, psychological disorders aren't a big deal to anyone. There's no single cause for my brain problems because there are too many. I was born into a cult 25 years ago in a family of 11 (I'm number 4). My father has always terrified me ever since I can remember. I have not met an eviler human being to this day, but my mother follows close behind. the religion they followed centred around the Branham cult.

They isolated us. We weren't allowed to have friends or talk to people. My father beat my siblings and mother on a regular basis. We were left on our alone a lot and accidents happened a lot. It shocks me that all their children are still alive. My mother was beaten and abused in every way possible. We lived in poverty in a 2 bedroom house. My father was a carpenter and mother a housewife who was never allowed to work. She had 9 children in the space of about 13 years (she started at 19). No contraception is allowed in the cult. In this environment, women's purpose is to serve men and have as many children as possible.

Something extra bad happened at the time of my birth. I am convinced of this. My mother has always hated me for seemingly no apparent reason. I barely slept or ate as a child. We lived in terror and isolation but no one knew or cared. There were 5 girls and 4 boys. We were relatively smart and excelled in school so everyone praised my parents often for our success. They assumed that they were good parents just because we were smart. In real life my parents had no involvement in our education. They claimed praise and gave parental advice often. We were made to sit silently for hours on end while my father slept. If we made the slightest sound he would wake up and punish the child responsible severely.

The violence went on even through high school. We wore long clothes to hide the welts on our bodies. We never spoke of what they did to us. I have 4 brothers, one of whom is a year older than me. As we grew older he started trying to control the women in my family. He despised me even though I loved him. He became worse than my father in some ways. I was around 12 years old (and very confused and clueless about puberty or any topic outside of christianity) when the sexual abuse started. I was terrified to fall asleep for 6 years after that. He would sneak into the girls room (5sisters) at night. My parents knew and kept making him apologise. After a few years my mother forbid me from complaining about it.

The fear extended. I both hated and loved him. it became a tool he used to blackmail me. This story is way too long to tell in detail so long story short I eventually stood up to them and they kicked me out. I took my youngest sister with me but she was too damaged (he targeted her a lot) and I was a broken child myself. Although the next few years of my life was pure mental torture, alcoholism and being a severely dysfunctional mother to a broken child I would have rather died than go back to them.

I was tortured with my cult brainwashing that I was going to be punished for leaving. I felt unbearable guilt for leaving some of my siblings who were still good behind. Slowly over the years, I was forced into burning bridges with all but one sibling, my second youngest sister. I don't know where my youngest sister is now. Our relationship got overwhelmingly toxic and turned very ugly toward the end. I left around 5 years ago but it feels much longer. I started taking antidepressants earlier this year and I feel human. But now I feel things and I hate it.

I've always been alone for as long as I can remember. I don't trust anyone. I don't cry in public. I feel on guard constantly. I can shut down my past often but every so often it takes over and I just wish for death. I don't want to self-harm so I get reckless and hope it just happens. I don't feel much fear. I'm unphased by near-death experiences.

The only 2 siblings I still love are my 2 youngest sisters. I don't see my life ending well. I seem functional and I think I am (with the help of the antidepressants) but I struggle so much every so often. I was always very empathetic so I feel the pain of everyone. Some days if i let my past in I cry for a while but its so exhausting that i feel myself wanting to pass out.

I'm toxic in every relationship. I prefer being alone anyway. I can't forgive or tolerate. I'm angry and very quick to retaliate. I can't focus my brain at all. I just want to do nothing and it's suppressing my career and job performance.

I don't know the way forward. I'm so tired. Nothing has ever been easy. I'm so tired of fighting. I feel like I have ADHD too. If you don't have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia no one thinks its a big deal. I don't know how to explain it to anyone around me or who to ask for help.

[Andyman73]

Rjay,
I can't honestly speak to your experience. I'm kind of at a loss for words. However, I am truly glad you survived and have taken some steps to right yourself and take stock in what and who and where you are in life. That's something to be proud of, as is coming here, too.  I just want to say that you're not alone anymore. Okay? I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but for the here and now, you're not alone.  Safe  if okay.

Andrew

[sanmagic7]

rjay, it speaks to your spirit, your strength, and your courage to have survived all this and still want to do better for yourself and others.

i'm glad you're here.  i hope you will look around the forum, and keep posting.  i have found a lot of wonderful support here, and have been able to move forward in big ways with healing.  i sincerely hope you can find that as well.  safe hug to you.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, rjay, I'm so sorry to hear what an incredibly dangerous and painful life you've had. Many of us here have similar backgrounds and can relate to the overwhelming isolation and loneliness it leaves you with.

There are books in our resource section that may help you, if you're unable to get any sort of trauma-informed therapy or counseling.  http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/Books.html - Of particular help to me - "The Body Keeps The Score" and "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving".

I hope to hear more from you. Please keep posting and ask any questions that may come up. You will be cared for here. A safe hug to you, if you want it. 

[BlancaLap]

Your symptoms are clearly explained by your experiences, it is normal for you to have them, everyone in your situation would have them. I'm sorry you had that horrible experiences and I really hope you can find a good therapist that will help you overcome your early memories.

[Rainagain]

Rjay,
My experiences are nothing compared to your story but I recognise the symptoms you describe so well.

Please use this site as part of your recovery, it has helped me.

Stay safe and I wish you well.