I feel like I am leading in my therapy

[complicated man]

As is the case with so many of us, I was in therapy for "anxiety and depression" for almost 5 years.  While I did see some improvement in symptoms, I always felt that something deeper was being missed.

I decided to go back into counseling again and try with a different counselor.  What surprised me was that as saturated as the counseling field is, I could only find a few providers accepting new patients.  After sorting through their resumes, I settled on a young PsyD, with only a few years of experience.

During my intake, I explained my symptoms and that I had seen research identifying a new version of traumatic stress.  She filled in the blanks about Cptsd, and was forthcoming about not being an expert in the field.  I did some research and have not found a provider with the experience in this field.

Lacking options, I embarked on a robust and motivated reading and self discovery quest.  My Therapist (T) has ordered and read a few books also by Walker and Cortois.

I feel like I am leading my way through our sessions and at times that I am the teacher.  I also feel as if I run over her.  It isn't my intent, but I have suffered a long time and I am super optimistic that I finally know the what and how.  My T is slowly getting better, but I worry that I am not getting the proper level of care (catastrophizing?).

Thoughts.......

[Candid]

I feel like I am leading my way through our sessions and at times that I am the teacher.

I've had that problem, too. EMDR/trauma therapy for two years, during which I was forever finding things on line and sending links to my T. To her credit she invariably printed them off and discussed them with me, but it didn't change her practice. She was the T with the doctorate and I was Just Me, what would I know?

TBH I learn more and make better progress by reading and posting here. On the forum, you're guaranteed people will know what you're talking about. Welcome aboard!

[sweetsixty]

I'm so sorry you are having this problem. I've been very, very lucky with my T, she has seen me through the last 7 years now although there were only 2 years amongst that that were very intense.

I have made a lot of progress because of her and I just wish everyone could have the same treatment. It's really sad how slowly this field is being taken up by professionals, whilst at the same time health services are failing both in UK and US!
The first book she recommended to me was a revelation and started my quest to explore and research further. The book was 'The Compassionate Mind' by Professor Paul Gilbert.  It helps us to understand why things have happened and how we react and why. It's a huge insight into the way our brain works and how to heal.  It gave me even more eureka moments than Walkers book. It may be worth you taking a look at it.

In the meantime don't lose hope, you are here and that's an important step too.

[woodsgnome]

At least the T is open to what you have explained, complicatedman, and looked at the readings you suggested. If it is new to her, good for you in being able to bring her up to speed on these.

With my T, I inquired first whether she was at least familiar with cptsd. She was, but like many T's, not expert in the total picture. So she too read the Walker book, for instance, and for a while our work even focused on certain topics from there; to which she added a lot of insights from her own years involving all sorts of therapies.

In turn she's provided me with many leads she feels I could benefit from. While I never felt like I was wholly directing where we went, it did create an atmosphere of mutual trust and a more level playing field. Still it's important to remember that, after all, it's your therapy, and if that includes some suggestions from you, they should be accepted. On the other hand, it's always at least a two-way street, and sometimes it's reasonable to think she'd have more to contribute than just following your lead. She might even have a better perspective sometimes, and for sure some comfort, an important part of the T-client relationship, one would hope.

I'm sure this varies between clients and T's...some prefer a T to play the lead role and arrive with less prior knowledge, but just know they're hurting; others have a better grasp on where they're coming from and rely on the T's expertise as an adjunct to their own work. In the end, it's always the client's work that's key. Like Candid, though, I've also had T's who could never get over their status as the 'expert' with the only opinion that counts. So I'm fortunate to have found my current T's approach of "not doing therapy for you, but working with you," as her intro brochure explains.

That said, it might be a problem if and when the T leaves the role as observer only, it would seem. If she lets you be the sole determinant of where the therapy proceeds, it seems to negate her role as an active participant (and presumably the only one with professional training). The ideal would be if it becomes not just you, but you and her on a joint venture where both can play a lead if and when it's appropriate.

[Courtois@@1]

I think it's important--especially for survivors of CPTSD--that one feel safe and protected in therapy, and one aspect of this is feeling that your therapist really knows what he/she is doing. I don't think you should have to be in a position of having to educate your therapist about the condition he or she is supposedly helping you with. Part of feeling secure is feeling that you are in the hands of someone who is not just compassionate, but also experienced. I bet there are a lot of therapists out there who are very decent people and also very caring, but just lack the specific knowledge of a specific condition to know how to conduct therapy with someone who has it. In my view, compassion, skill and knowledge must all be there in equal measures.

[sanmagic7]

this may be something to bring up with your t, let her know how you're feeling, what you're feeling, how it's affecting you, and have a discussion on what she thinks might be done to remedy this situation.   i've been in your position; at times i felt like she should be paying me!

it's a tricky area, finding the t that fits for us.  our personalities have to click as well as we being able to rely on our t to be able to guide us through this mind field.   i'm interested to know how it works out for you.  best to you with this.   big hug.

[stevethedge]

I've been through a few different Ts over the last decade. I've always felt that they weren't able to give me the kind of guidance and support I needed. This is really disheartening, especially since I only sought help when I was really struggling. It wasn't until I was given the link to this site by a friend and realised what was actually wrong that I felt like there was hope. Deciding that it was my responsibility to be my own therapist was the most empowering realization. I devote certain times to 'self therapy' which for me includes seeing a kinesiologist, researching, writing, crying, talking to trusted listeners.

Deciding that this is MY body, MY mind, MY illness, gave me control and direction I've never felt before. I still seek support and advice, but I lead the way, and for the first time, I really feel like I'm making progress.

I know this is about me, but hopefully it gives you a different perspective on your therapist.

[Contessa]

Deciding that this is MY body, MY mind, MY illness, gave me control and direction I've never felt before. I still seek support and advice, but I lead the way, and for the first time, I really feel like I'm making progress.

I think this is an important point whether we are in therapy or not.  As mentioned previously it is a two way street. Trust is the main thing I believe, but if we've got the strength, the ability to take control of this beast is so empowering after being without it for so long. Now that is just my point of view here, and I may be missing the point a little, but I can see a bright side to this if progress is being made.

A little aside: I remember at school, while teaching, when I had trust well and truly established between my students and I, I would play up to my weaknesses a bit to those children who were not so confident or experienced. If I didn't know something, or was not sure, I didn't hide it. Instead I modelled how I could find out (even when it was something I really 'should' as an adult know). I would sometimes 'forget' why we did something, ask one of them to remind me. Sometimes, when one of them asked me what something was, my reply would be "I don't know, that's something i've never been good at. I'm relying on you to tell me!"

No... I was not incompetent. I was authoritative. Gave the children the chance and power to really exercise their own minds and power. I'm still proud of those little ones being the drivers of their own confidence building, autonomy, and self esteem. It was beautiful to watch them develop.

Anyway. Just my thoughts.

[sanmagic7]

contessa, what a wonderful teacher you've been.  well done!  those kids will never forget the independence and motivation you instilled in them, as well as the pride of accomplishment.  beautiful job!

[Contessa]

Thank you San. I hope I didn't come off sounding like I was big noting myself here. The memory of that time popped into my head as a parallel.

Complicatedman, this is just an alternative point of view, and it's not mean to discount any other. There's no one right way to get a solution. Just as 2+2=4, so does 3+1, or 7-3. Not all of my students benefitted from that style. One anxious boy benefitted from my playing jazz music during the afternoon, but many other strategies would surely have worked too.

The key was, it worked.
At the lack of having access to a trauma specialist, it seems like rapport that is developing with this therapist is still reaping benefits, just on an unorthodox path.

Again, just my musing here.