Need some help

[achilles]

Hi all.  This is my first post.    Short background - I was in a very abusive relationship for five years, which I ended almost a decade ago.  I had to get help from the police to end it. 

Since then I saw a therapist, moved on with my life... A few years ago I got some health problems, which lead to depression, and I contacted my abuser again.  It was the biggest mistake of my life.  For the past six months he has been destroying me.  All these years I had nightmares, flashbacks, and general ptsd symptoms, and now I have new traumas on top of the old.  He picked up right where he left off.  He is manipulating me, making me feel inadequate, stupid, crazy.  Putting me down constantly, blaming me for things, taking his anger out on me, swearing at me.  I beg him to stop.  I feel so humiliated and degraded.  I feel destroyed.

I'm older now.  It's harder to deal with.  I feel so weak, yet unable to leave due to the trauma bond.  I love him still.  How is this possible?  It's like the curse of my life, to love a monster who makes me wish I would die.  Please, if you have any advice, I would appreciate it.  I can't go on like this.  My soul is shattered.  He took everything from me. 

[Lingurine]

Hi Achilles, welcome, I’m so sorry that you feel yourself drawn into this traumabond again. Sometimes, when we are in a vulnerable state, we are a prey for predators. You mentioned how chronic pain and depression drove you back into his arms.
So you had a setback. That’s okay, don’t beat yourself up for it. Let’s analyse this together.
Do you know what drove you to him in the first place? Is there something in your past, in your FOO (Family Of Origin) that made you insecure of yourself? Sometimes our caregivers didn’t give us what we needed, so we’re deprived of love and we are therefor an easy prey for people who take advantage of us.
Maybe it helps you to realize that this isn’t real love. I don’t think he is capable of that.
Maybe you want to share more about your story so we can talk about this.

Take care

Lingurine

[achilles]

Lingurine, thank you so much for your reply. 

My family of origin...My mother was cruel sometimes to my sister and me when we were kids.  My mom sometimes said that she wished she didn't have me and that she was happier before I was born.  I remember one time, when I was 5, she told me to get out of her sight and refused to talk to me for hours.  I cried and begged her to talk to me, but she refused.  There was physical abuse as well.

I'm sure this is at the root of my low self-esteem.  I feel inadequate, and I'm drawn to people who make me feel like I need to earn their approval.  I end up begging my ex for scraps.  It's so humiliating. 

edit

I know all about abuse and narcissism.  I'm educated.  And yet still, I allow him to make me feel so low, so degraded.  Some days he's nice to me.  Other days he dismisses me like I'm a pile of trash.  I definitely think he is not capable of real, genuine love.  I know he's not capable of having a healthy relationship.  The answer here is for me to walk away and get my life back.  But I don't know if I have the strength.

I always wished he'd shown remorse for what he did to me.  I wanted an apology, since I never got one.   Talking to him again was a horrible mistake, and I deeply regret it.

[Blueberry]

Achilles, you're talking about an abusive relationship. I'm wondering whether you're in danger. If so I've copied from our Emergency page:

If you are in a domestic violence situation, call the police if the threat is immediate.  Otherwise, consult the following website for resources worldwide:

    Hot Peach contains an extensive international inventory of hotlines, shelters, refuges, crisis centers and women's organizations, searchable by country, and domestic violence resources in over 70 languages - http://www.hotpeachpages.net

Even if you're not in actual physical danger, these or other resources on domestic violence might help you to take steps to leave the situation forever.

BTW, welcome here! Keep posting and/or reading if and as you want. That can help too.

[achilles]

Thank you for your reply Blueberry.  I don't think I'm in danger (I don't live with him).   I appreciate you reminding me to seek out some resources.  I have no health insurance right now, so I can't really afford counseling in addition to my other medical expenses.  But I know it would be helpful for me to talk to someone about what's going on. 

[JamesG]

achilles, welcome. This is a good crowd so sit down and we'll bring you a hot drink.

What you are experiencing seems to be a common pattern, you are feeding this man's narcissism which isn't doing anyone any good. People stay with abusers, it's a sadly common pattern and there are well know reasons. What feels like love can be a sense of failure, shame and a host of other things that can feel like love. But it's not love. Really. Love is only possible when there is an exchange of respect and that is not what is happening. All you can do is get out of there and find the real thing. There are many very good people out there, push the narcs aside and look for them.

[achilles]

Thank you for your reply JamesG.

I know this isn't love.  I have this deep-seated need for him to love me.  All these years I wanted his validation and approval.  I know it's so unhealthy, and I shouldn't be allowing his voice any space in my mind.  He is completely toxic.  After he yells and swears at me, he goes on with his day while I feel gutted.  I told myself I would never let anyone treat me this way again, and here I am.  I feel so stupid for this. 

I do believe I will get the courage and strength to walk away, for good.  I did it before and I can do it again.  It just feels so hard right now.  Yesterday he hurt me so horribly, and I'm still reeling from it.  I know he will never change; I know exactly what he is.   I need to work on building up my strength and confidence.

[hank]

Why do you think you have a "deep-seated need for him to love me"? Perhaps it is co-dependency from an abuser, sort of a Stockholm Syndrome effect, does that sound possible? One thing is that he is gaslighting you if he lies about what you know is true.

[achilles]

Thank you for your reply Hank.

I do think I have a sort of Stockholm Syndrome effect, yes.  What happens is, he attacks me with a slew of insults and makes sure I feel down.  Then, the next day he acts all sweet and affectionate.  It's confusing and puts me on edge.  But then I get a sense of relief and happiness that he's being nice again.  He knows I crave his kindness and compassion, so he uses it to control me.  It's his currency.  I know this is all about power and control, and I fell right back into the trap.  I feel so embarrassed that I let this happen.  He's a textbook narcissist. 

Yes, he is gaslighting me.  He told me that in the past, before I left him, I was just too young and immature (he is a decade older than me), and we had "problems communicating".  The way I remember it, he called me horrible names, laughed in my face when I cried, and told me to shut up all the time.  I know the truth, but I'm afraid to stand up for myself because I know it will enrage him.

The issue here is, why do I care?  Why do I care if he gets angry?  If he never talks to me again, he will be doing me a favor.  That would be a huge blessing, and I should throw a party and celebrate... and yet still, I feel addicted to the times when he is nice to me.  This intermittent reinforcement is extremely effective. 

I know I deserve better.    Being here is already helping me put things in perspective. 

[JamesG]

spartan life coach... youtube... now

[achilles]

I never heard of spartan life coach...I'll go take a look now.

[achilles]

Thank you for the recommendation.   This is already giving me some validation.  I read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft years ago, and I think I should read it again.  Now I'll go back to watching spartan life coach.

[achilles]

I just watched "20 signs you're with a covert narcissist".  My ex has every single sign.  I always knew he was a narcissist, but this is really eye-opening.

Years ago, he used to tell me that he hated how anxious I was around him.  I'd stutter and be jittery and on edge because I was terrified of making him angry.  It took me a long time to work through this and be able to interact with people normally.  Now I'm starting to get really anxious again, and he tells me that I'm crazy and unstable.  Yet he's the one causing it. 

I need to get out of this.  I hate seeing myself crumble with each passing day.  My self-care is terrible, my health is declining. 

[achilles]

Sorry for all these posts, I'm finding it helpful to write about this.

[achilles]

I went down a huge rabbit hole of the spartan life coach  .  I'm actually feeling a lot better than I did earlier today.  I got through the day. 

There's a good quote I saw recently that goes something like "Don't look for healing at the feet of those who broke you."  It really resonates with me.