ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

as i've been writing elsewhere, i'm feeling the worst i've felt in a long time. 

thank you sceal and hope for your loveliness.

i've been crying since my shower this morning, can't stop.  3roses hugs have just brought forth buckets of tears.  i want to curl up in a ball and just let life go by.  i feel on the edge of my sanity, and i'm as ready to let that happen as ever in my life.  it's all too much. 

i'll call my t tomorrow, see if she can give me a phone session this week.  i'm seeing her next week.  i don't know how long i can go on this way.  that monster tv is sitting behind me, watching me.  i'm paralyzed with regard to it.  so scared of these tech. advances - they don't suit me.  my energy turns them to mush. 

i don't know what to do.  i don't belong here.  i have the feeling my ll will go thru my stuff when i'm gone to my d's for thanksgiving, looking for the money i lost last month.  she mentioned it the other day, asked if maybe it isn't in one of my pockets.  i told her i've looked 2, 3, 7 times thru everything.

she's gone thru drawers of others in the house (yes, they were all strangers), even their garbage, noting what they throw away and stuff.  i know this cuz she's told me.   i've been especially careful to keep my room up to her standards.  we've gotten along well for the most part.  this tv thing, and her 'appearing' at or in my room, tho, has opened a new dimension.

i've told her i have c-ptsd, but she doesn't have a clue.  i asked her this morning to please knock  before coming into my room, and she said yes.  i hope that helps.  right now, tho, i don't want her asking me again and again if i've watched the tv.   just leave me alone.

i didn't expect this reaction, was just accepting that i'd get a new/different tv.  didn't think past that about all the tech marvels that would mean.  i need a cave near the porch where i can just go and be away from everything for a bit.  set into the rocks, lovely little fire at the front of it, hidden by trees and branches, pine boughs and warm animal hides for a bed.  just a place to hide till this goes away.

[Sceal]

Sending you warm and positive thoughts.
I know you are scared. It's alright to be scared, but I hope it will pass soon.
I hope your T will be able to give you a talk on the phone this week. Waiting til next week is a long way to wait when you're suffering this much.

Are there other people you can talk to? Is there a church nearby? I don't know if you are religious, but even if you aren't, maybe a priest can listen to your worries and help soothe your aching heart?

[Blueberry]

   

[EliseB]

Dear San,

So sorry to hear about your suffering.  Sending you caring vibes and hope you find that safe, warm place tonight until you can call your T.

Not sure what you meant about your TV as I'm not very high tech myself.  But I hope you can find some peace, yes, like the kind you can only find in nature, away from this modern world. 

Even though I've only known you for a short time here, I can feel you are a wonderful person and you deserve it.

Lots if hugs

[sanmagic7]

sceal, blueberry, elise - thank you so much for your warmth and caring.  feeling a bit better tonite, but don't know if i'll tackle the tv yet or not.  at least i don't feel like i did.  i closed myself in my room all day, too, which helped. 

so, ultrasound tomorrow for a suspicious mass in my breast.  of course, as much as i've been pushing that to the back of my mind, it's been there.  tues. a return to the eye doc to make sure my eye pressure is within reasonable bounds.  thurs. is thanksgiving.  not a lot of down time this week.  we'll see how that goes.

you all have been rocks for me to hang onto when i've been floundering.  if you ever doubt that you're good people, remember this - bad people don't give a crap about someone else's pain.   love and hugs all around

[Elphanigh]

 

Best of luck to you, dear friend. I am glad you got to stay in your room most of the day. Sometimes that alone time is the best thing for us. Lots of love, and strength to you as you get through this all

[sanmagic7]

thank you my dearest el.  i'm feeling a bit calmer.  talked to my d, we got everything straightened out about the whole 'permission' thing, and she assured me that if things would've gone sideways, she would still have had some kind of thanksgiving celebration with me, no matter what.  that was so reassuring, so i'm glad i got up the courage to tell her how i'd been feeling.

on the tv front, i realized that these weren't unfounded fears, nor irrational.  i really have messed up electronic things/technical gadgets with my energy.  i just hadn't found the focus for the fear at the time i felt it.  my d suggested that i talk to my ll about my history, why i've been afraid, and see what she says.

it's just that it's all brand new, and i was scared that i was somehow going to mess it up.  it's like i don't use most of her appliances or eat at her table cuz i'm not as neat and tidy as she is.  i splatter, knock things over, and i have had a dread of spilling and staining.  even to roll back the tablecloth as she suggested, i just don't want to take the chance.

so, in order not to walk on eggshells as much as possible, i avoid her things as much as possible.  it's much easier on me.  she commented on how she felt bad that i was so uncomfortable in her house with her things.  well, i wasn't here a month and i broke the dam' toilet seat!  how does that happen to anyone else?

anyway, i'm glad it doesn't feel like an irrational fear, that it's a real fear.  i'm not dainty by any means.  i don't mind stains on my own things, but that's cuz that kind of thing has never mattered much to me.  yet, growing up our house was spotless - my mother put most of her energy into making sure her floors were clean enough to eat off.  i'm not like that at all.

so, a hectic couple of days, but i think it'll be better, altho those tears are still right behind my eyes.   probably has something to do with tomorrow.  always friggin' something.  hard to keep stress down for healing's sake when it keeps popping up all over.  thank you everyone who has gotten me thru this.  you're the best.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey San, been a couple of days since I've been here, hasn't it? 

You're going through a lot of stress — you've had been for your entire life from the looks of it — and it's natural to be so clumsy at a time like this. Take your time, alright?

[sanmagic7]

thanks, d.r.  glad to see you're back.   you've made an impression here, and there's a void when you're gone.

feeling better, a bit stronger.  i think part of my problem is feeling so needy where my d is concerned.  it felt so good to talk to her yesterday, tell her what i was thinking/feeling, and she's so very patient with me, and very kind.  always has been.  so, i've been reassured by her, and that un-tilts my world just that little bit more.

nervous now, going for the ultra-sound to see if i have yet another spot of cancer.   i work hard at not letting this med. crap get to me, but dang, it does a number on me anyway.  everyone is always reassuring that everything will be all right, but there's cancer all over my family, so i don't know. 

we'll see i guess.  i wish i had the energy to write to more of everyone, but i just don't right now.  i miss it, tho, miss seeing how everyone's doing.  love all around.

[Blueberry]

  for you (I'm thinking others on here will join in) for the ultrasound.

With that hanging over you, it's no surprise to me that things have been particularly difficult for you this past weekend. At least I find when under pressure or fear about one thing, additional problems including people who are not good at respecting my boundaries make everything worse. Make me worse. Make my EFs worse.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry.  i suspect you're right.

apparently there's nothing wrong, altho it took 2 hrs., was very uncomfortable and painful at times,  it was sent to a radiologist who said the 'mass' they'd seen was probably just a lymph node, and she wanted me to undergo another mammogram on the spot, cuz it seemed like some tissues had changed since july.

bull pucky.  i was exhausted, stressed to the max, and wasn't gonna hang around there any longer.  i could barely walk, i was so tired.  got home, ate everything in sight, fell asleep in my chair, and have to see the eye doc tomorrow to make sure my eye pressure is ok.  with all this stress, it's probably sky high.  dang, enough is enough!

my crater is coming along nicely, tho.  looks clean, no infection, and is getting smaller.  holy crap, i just don't know how i keep going.  well, you all certainly prop me up when i'm about to go under, and that's divine intervention if i've ever heard of it.    a bunch of angels surrounding me.  that brings a smile to my heart.  you're the best.

[DecimalRocket]

Glad to hear that there was nothing wrong there, San.

It's pretty terrible sounding what you're emotionally and physically going through. All I can say is that you deserve some rest and some care to yourself.

I heard you like hugs, San. So big hugs to you!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, d.r.  and, yes, i love hugs, and i smile at all you sent me.  how perfectly wonderful of you.  thank you ever so.

so, tired today, but getting ready to see the eye doc in an hour.   got a note about the follow-up mammo, they want to look at that 'spot' they saw again.  i told them i have no energy nor money right now, and i'll let them know when i'm ready.  i understand these people want to help, to make sure everything's ok, but even my driver said 'sometimes i think they just want more money'.  i don't know anymore.

so, i'm not gonna worry about it for now.  i've got therapy and doc bills coming in, christmas is coming, it's all i can do to put one foot in front of the other right now. 

watched the new tv last nite, it's hd, and it looks very weird to me, like these are live stage plays i'm watching instead of tv shows.  it's unnerving to me.  maybe i'll get used to it.  i don't know.  my sanity is being tested.

one spot of good news is that my d has been having a free promotion for her book (free download) and she made no. 1 on amazon, and it's now trending.  she's so excited, she's worked so hard for a break, and i'm so over the moon for her.  any sci-fi psychological thriller fans who like strong female characters, pm me and i'll send you the link.

so, just waiting now.  my ride comes in an hour.  it seems that i'm feeling better about speaking up, and it's helping.  i now keep my room door closed most all the way so my ll doesn't just 'appear' there, which scares the crap outta me, and she has knocked now, which doesn't bother me at all.  so, that looks like progress.  i just wonder whatever happened to common courtesy.

[Blueberry]

Yeah, great to hear 'nothing there'. You're making progress in other ways too like with your ll. And like telling docs: "not atm. I'll get back to you."   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry, for that validation.  the docs seem to think always that their field is most important and anything in it needs to be tended to immediately, and it's almost a shaming or guilting feeling if you don't do exactly what they want when they want you to do it. 

my eyes are better than i expected, so that's a yay.  i'm also so very p.o.'d about having to be worrying about them for 4 1/2 yrs, tho.  all that unneeded stress.  ticks me off, but i'm too tired to do anything about it, except say it.  can't even feel it right now. 

so, that's it for doc for a bit.  still have therapy to go to next week, and i'm not looking forward to that, either.  i'm too tired.  it'll be one more chore for me to do.  like the docs.  one more time i have to leave my room and interact with someone.  one more thing.  if thanksgiving were tomorrow, i wouldn't be able to make it.  as of right now, i'm already doubting if i'll be able to.  it makes me want to cry.

where's my cave?   i wish i could write to everyone but i just can't right now.  i need some time to myself.