I just want to sleep and not think and not feel

[barbidoll]

Blueberry,
  I would be totally lost without my kids. They are the one thing that keeps me pushing and the only thing I have ever been certain I wanted.
  I wish I new exactly when that message began because I have been kind of looking back and making connections. So far though going as far back as my childhood I only know I was the quiet, shy one and that I was sexually abused.  Sucks feeling lost on what happened in your childhood. I was totally shocked when my sister told me our Dad hit her one time.
Contessa,
I am really lost on my childhood at this point.  I just learned of physical abuse by my father on my sister and brother. I was only aware of the sexual abuse of me and my sisters.  I know I have always been the quiet one in the family. I can remember after we were separated from my Dad sitting around adults while they were talking. They would all of a sudden look at me and be like wow you are so quiet I forgot you were there. Is that normal? I think I was 9 or 10?  I always put it down to being naturally shy.  I found paperwork from an old school where I had first and second grade that was for something like special ed that said I was withdrawn. I don't know this would have been a department of defense school because we were overseas.  At first again I though hey I have always been shy. Now I am wondering.  I wish I could remember at least one thing that would at least clue me in to what I am forgetting. My older sister who should remember more than most of us doesn't seem to keen to elaborate on what we dealt with.  I had actually at one point completely blocked the sexual abuse and it wasn't until it was pointed out to me that is was bad I remembered it. Wondering if my brain is doing that with other stuff too. I am certain there had to be some kind of psychological and/or emotional abuse but that certainty only come from a knowledge that my relationships as an adult have to be a reflection of what I learned as a kid.  It's weird though because up until recently I thought my Dad was not a bad guy besides the sexual abuse. I used to have nightmares of him chasing us but I forgot about that. I also could not see a man with a mustache out of the corner of my eye without jumping for awhile.
   I have never had what you could call healthy self esteem and have been in too many relationships that tore it down more.

I hate that shame feeling I get. One time it felt like I was walking a gauntlet while picking my kid up and I felt like people could see something was wrong with me.  Like wearing a scarlet letter.  It was so disturbing.

I am going to keep coming back.  I have been trying to be "supermom" and deal with this all my own but it has become so hard. I think this is something I learned from my mom, only she was smarter and left men pretty much alone.  She didn't enter into therapy until we were all adults. I don't know I guess I felt like I am supposed to do the same. I don't think she intentionally did it but I think she might have been working will a similar lack of coping skills and boundaries from childhood. It is a relief to be able to just say some of this stuff and not feel condemned.

   
   
   

[Three Roses]

She didn't enter into therapy until we were all adults. I don't know I guess I felt like I am supposed to do the same.

We inherit these family scripts that give us unspoken rules. Don't talk about feelings, take care of others before yourself, don't ever get angry, etc. A long time ago, a therapist told me to examine those rules and rewrite them, to translate each one I could think of into a rule I could live with and that I felt was healing. Write them down and reread them from time to time or when I felt unsure of my new direction. This was a really helpful exercise for me. I hope you find what works for you.

Hang in there! 

[JamesG]

Hi Barbiedoll

I think your feelings are absolutely understandable and more to the point, are typical of how these experiences can leave people feeling. Take comfort from the fact that what feels so personal and unique at times are very much the natural response that many of us in here have felt to destructive experiences. You have had your confidence battered, your sense of up-down, left-right, right-wrong has been overturned and trying to live with that in your life has left you shaken and unable to anchor yourself in the real world. Abuse does that. But it's not you, you are behind that, waiting. Be good to yourself and recognise that you were the solid sensible person holding on while this cyclone was happening, you had the humanity and integrity to feel what was happening and take it with you.

The criticism in your head, that is not you, that was placed there. It speaks the voice of others. You are no more to blame for the late arrival of a bus than I am. But constant criticsm during childhood development does that, it means that every simple task is a job interview, a police interrogation or a confession, when all it is is you, performing a function in the world. That's what abuse does, it takes our eyes off the road, makes us crash and then blames us for that crash. It distracts us from even the simplest of things and leaves us afraid, imparing our ability to get on with life and settle into routines and happiness. It makes our choices skewed, opens us up to further abuse.

But it's not you hun, it never was. You have nothing to be sorry for, no apologies to give, no price to pay. You are not on this earth to carry the shame of others. If there is shame, it belongs elsewhere, and deep down you know that. Bad stuff happened to you, deplorable stuff. But it is not who you are, it just fell in the road before you. I have faith in you, we all do, feel loved and encouraged because you deserve to be, you have raised your kids through a storm and you deserve unreserved praise for that.

You deserve better, you deserve yourself. It is coming. x