Merging flashbacks? *possible tw*

[Sceal]

I was sitting at the SA-center talking to one lady there. She has been the first person to ask pointed questions about details from my numerous SA.
I couldn't properly answer her. Part because I don't remember all of them. Part because I'm so ashamed. Part because I don't know *how* to actually answer.

She was asking me of the second to last SA. If there was penetration. And I froze. I said I don't remember. And I don't know if I don't remember. I don't know the truth. Is this faint feeling that I can't put into words the truth, or is it the truth hidden in this blank time-frame?
I've thought about this a few days now, and I've come to notice something... I do know I block alot of it out, because it's just too much. And because I've dissociated. But during the visual and sensorical flashbacks, sometimes it's all of it happening at once. I mean, the ones that are separated by the people involved and the actual time difference. They are all present, like various "windows" of memories and it's all happening at all once. And i am wondering if this merging of the events is making my memories skewed as well?

[Dee]

I don't have an answer and I don't know.

I have recently found that as I have talked about things I don't have words.  I can't seem to answer.  The last time we talked about it, awhile ago I found I was using my hands to describe things because I couldn't find the words.  I also thought I remembered so much, but now I don't.  As I have gone back through things I remember thinking nothing happened, when everything in that situation screams it did.  Sometimes I don't know if my memories are real or not either.

I think it's okay if things are not clear and if you don't remember.  I don't think memories are perfect either.  I think it is the feelings that count.

I hope this helps some.

[Sceal]

Thank you Dee, it does help.

You're right, memories aren't perfect. And some memories of course just sit in the body. It's a little frustrating to not remember sometimes, I mean, when I need to remember. Other times I'm quite grateful I don't remember. But it does make me question myself alot.