new here

[Lorien]

Well.. I am new here and am hoping that I can find some help, common ground... something.... My CPTSD comes from being married to, living with and taking care of a schizophrenic sociopath for nearly 18 years. He was a brilliant manipulator, violent, and so many other things that if I go in to all of it I will sit here sobbing for hours. And I dont want to give him the satisfaction of any more of my tears than are necessary. So, anyway, the problem is that although I am free from the relationship and have been for about 4 years now I seem to have developed some problems that I cant seem to control. My mind kind of checks out.. disassociates from what is going on around me. I can function physically but I am not "IN" the moment. Half the time I feel like an emotional wreck and that I am going crazy. And I am mad... very mad! Because I know what caused this. I used to be this strong person that could handle every situation. I was the take charge one. I did it all and could do it all. I now feel weak and unstable and useless half the time. My confidence level is soo stinking low. I feel like I am going crazy but from what I have read it seems that this is normal for this. I also am always trying to please everyone and am terrified of anyone being unhappy with me. I really dont know how to fix this. And I really hate sounding and being so unsure and helpless.

[Sceal]

Welcome Lorien.
I hope that you can use this forum to help you land on your feet again.
Know that you're not helpless, it takes time to heal. But reaching out here is a step towards that goal. Keep reaching out, keep writing.
We're in this together, even if we have different stories.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey there Lorien. I'm so sorry to hear about that past relationship and I am very relieved to hear you're now free of it.
I understand that 'not IN the moment' stuff. Happens to me quite a bit and it takes a bit of time for me to snap back to reality.
But one day you will return to that strong person you used to be. It will take time, but have hope! I'm rooting for you.

[Rainagain]

Hi lorien,
You have been through a * of a lot, its no surprise that it has taken it out of you.
18 years can't be gotten over quickly, if a friend of yours had experienced what you have been through you wouldn't expect them to be skipping about, you would be very understanding of their situation. Be kind to yourself in the same way as if it was a friend suffering.
Try not to think that after 4 years you should be doing better than you are, its a way to bash yourself up, it takes as long as it needs to, no shame in that at all.

[Lorien]

Thank you all for the encouragement. I started  counseling this week and it was a very good thing. I was encouraged by it and have another appointment this week. I had counseled with this same woman several years ago and she is fantastic.  Explained to me that i was having what she called "feelings flashbacks" and it made a lot of sense. Just know what is going on in my brain makes it less scary. I also talked to her about me taking just half a lorazepam in the morning and how it helps to stave off the anxiety of the day. I have been afraid of being addicted to them but she told me that was not a dose I needed to be concerned about and if it helps to take it. So I will. I am very lucky in that my new husband is very supportive. He and I were together in high school and met again almost 2 years ago after not seeing each other for 23 years.  We just got married in July. He is wonderful.. and I gained 3 step children... I was soo afraid of ever living with anyone again but we have been for quite a while about a year and a half... and all is well between us. So life is good.. I just dont feel good.. but I am going to get there.

[LadyFinn]

Hi  Lorien. I am also new here and I completely identify with many of the things you have said... even 1/2 an Ativan everyday. My self confidence and self esteem vaporized and I am stunned how that ever happened ..just sucked out of me . It is almost embarrassing but I have started a " self esteem online course"  ( gag).. to see if I can head in a different direction. Unbelievable that this is me ... but it is.  I  worked for 28 years in a high stress , fast paced professional position and now I do not believeI can return. The daily anxiety is horrible. Yes " feelings flashbacks "...I get that too. Lets hope we both find some peace here .

[JamesG]

Hi Lorien

welcome. Good people in here. Your experiences sound horrible, but you can rest assured that your reactions to it are normal for all that. It's a strange thing, but happiness and a fresh start is, in itself, a trigger, and a big one. Again, perfectly normal, you are starting on a journey and apprehension is totally natural given your past unhappiness. The flashbacks and anxiety are just your brain doing its thing to settle down the past so it is manageable and your old self can return. Don't feel you are in anyway degraded by that as a person or partner, the past is bound to have created issues in you as it would in any sane person. Psychotics and narcs can turn over confidence in yourself in a thousand ways and that china shop in your mind, now that the bull has been ejected, has to be tidied up. What feels so painful and so frightening, and, given the hope and love you feel now, in the way, cannot be overcome any other way and it is great that you are addressing it. Many of us in this community end up wiser than we have ever been because these experiences are a university of the mind, not one we sought, but an education nonetheless. I am beyond happy that you have found a kind and decent guy and have the family to embrace. Be as patient with them as they will be with you and be as honest as you can, there is no shame, no need to hide your scars, feeling understood often means we can talk about the causes less. All the same, share on here, share with your therapist and do your best to understand the thing. You are clearly a very bright and love person and you deserve this new life. x