New and just have to share some stuff

[carwyn.thomas]

Hi

I'm not sure if I I have / suffer from CPSTD but my therapist said I should read Peter Walkers book which seems to be the bible on the subject. A few things in the book have struck a chord and I have found some comfort in knowing that there could be reasons for my actions over the past 15 years. I'm not sure I qualify to be here, I haven't experienced any extreme abuse and I'm not abused now.

I think it all started in childhood, my Father wasn't physically abusive but he didn't like me, I was an accident and although my father was kind and attentive when I was small (so my mother says) I have only known him as a intolerant and distant person. I was permanently frightened of him (still am even though I'm now middle aged and he's in his seventies) I don't think I could ever match up with his expectations and the slightest wrong doing would result in being told off. At the age of around 14 he packed his bags and left the family home, I was relieved, happy that he'd gone. I've seen him once since, I was with a group of friends and my girlfriend and we were out for the evening, I can't remember what was said but i know he told me off for swearing (I was at that age) it was almost the end of the evening and he gave my girlfriend and I a lift home, haven't seen him since.

Going out of order here - One night when I was around 11 and asleep in bed a family friend came in to the room. He was drunk, I could smell the alcohol on his breath, he reached under the covers and groped my genitals, he said something, I can't remember what and left the room. This was a man I spent a fair amount of time with, during school holidays he would take me to work with him, he would tour the country measuring up for work in peoples houses, he had a nice car and the potential customers were usually nice to me. On all those days out he never tried anything, it was a one off event. I'm not even sure it happened but I can't stop thinking about it.

I eventually married my girlfriend and we have two great kids we had a great friendship group and we used to socialise frequently with them. I became aware of something going on between my best friend and my wife. She became very guarded of her mobile phone, she hid the telephone bills (pointless as I just got them online anyway). One day  whilst chatting about mobile phones and text messaging she realised that sent messages were saved on the phone, I watched her have a near on panic attack as she frantically found the messages and deleted them. He would send her inappropriate messages late at night. He would come round our house when I wasn't in. My elderly neighbour commented on his vehicle being outside frequently and asked if he was a friend. I said yes he was a friend and my neighbour replied "he must be a very special friend" before realising he'd probably said too much and hastily going back in his house. I haven't entirely trusted my wife since. I was too frightened to do anything about it at the time as I didn't want to lose my children. I did eventually in a round about way accuse my with of having an affair which she denied. We cut all ties with my best friend and stopped socialising with him and his family.

I have always enjoyed a drink and I started to drink every day, I suffered from anxiety which gave me stomach problems, beer to used to make the anxiety go away. When I drank to excess I became verbally abusive to my wife, I wasn't a very nice person, I don't think I'm a nice person now. There were a few other events that I didn't deal with properly over the years I just drank more to take away the pain. I almost constantly suffer from flashbacks of the bad things I did or imagine what happened between my wife and my friend or wonder why my father doesn't like me and doesn't want to see me or why that man who I trusted groped my genitals.

Following a bout of verbal abuse I eventually sought help, I saw my doctor who prescribed some medication to help with the anxiety, I've been seeing a therapist regularly and I registered with the local drugs and alcohol service. From drinking a weeks worth of alcohol every day (I'd be classified as a high functioning alcoholic) I now haven't had any alcohol for over 8 months. My wife and I are getting on better than ever but there isn't any trust in our relationship.

I have more to tell but I'm falling asleep so have to go.

Carwyn

[Sceal]

Dear Carwyn,

You dont have to have experienced physical abuse in order to devellop PTSD. It seems to me that youve been under emotional neglect from your father, which can set rather deep wounds. Parental figures are supposed to be safe and reliable, but when you grow up fearing what is supposed to be a safe zone it does something to the  brain structure when it is still forming to be you.
Being groped in bed at night unwillingly is not a normal "fantasy" of a child, I would assume this did infact happen and most certainly goes under the category of sexual abuse. It doesnt require penetration for it to be sexual abuse.
There is a nice video about concent on youtube. Its called Tea Consent. Maybe check it out?
Losing trust to your wife must be incredible difficult and I can imagine its reminding you of the lack of trust/safety that you had during childhood. I hope that you will find you can trust her  again.

Regardless if itnis PTSD or cPTSD, I want to say welcome! I hope the forum can help you through your struggles.

Scael

[Three Roses]

Welcome to you, Carwyn! Each of the circumstances of your life that you've shared - feeling disliked by your physically and emotionally absent F, possible childhood sexual abuse, and betrayal of trust in your marriage - could be CPTSD-inducing. No one here is qualified to diagnose you and you're welcome to stay "if the shoe fits".

Not all doctors are trauma-informed. The best thing to do is educate yourself and seek help that's appropriate for you. Here is a link to some info - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

Best of luck to you on this journey, I look forward to hearing more from you. Thanks for joining!

[sanmagic7]

hey, carwyn,

i echo sceal's comments that there doesn't have to be violence for c-ptsd to occur.  my childhood family was rather 'regular' looking to outsiders, yet the fear of not meeting expectations or not being perfect, and the belief that i had no emotional support from my parents was enough to cause depression and anxiety by my teens.

i, too, am recovering from alc. and drugs, and i've found better relationships as well.  i'm glad you're here.  sending you a warm welcoming hug.