Sceal's Journal

[sanmagic7]

sceal, may i suggest that your 'performing' is, in fact, a part of your trauma, and is completely valid as something to bring up with your t.  i would guess it has been something you learned to do a long time ago in order to be looked on as 'ok' by someone else.  it's something that takes you away from your true self, which, in trauma victims, has never been good enough to the people we relied on for our care and support.

i'd like to also say that it is not your job to take care of your t, but the other way around.  i've learned a long time ago there are no difficult or resistant clients.  rather, their choices and behaviors are valuable information to help the t plan and implement the best possible help for you.  t's can do their jobs better the more real you are able to be, including telling them that you're not being real and why. 

as far as burnout, t's know that the job is stressful going into it.  it's up to them to take care of themselves - it's not your job.  this is your therapy, and it's their job to deal with whatever comes up.  they need their own support system for that, not hoping that their clients will look out for them. 

i only want the best help you can get - you so deserve that.  your courage in going to therapy in the first place is to be applauded.   you've been doing a good job at being honest so far.  hopefully, when you're ready, to can take the next step in being real with your t.   warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.  i hope your next session goes well.

[DecimalRocket]

It's okay if you can't explain yourself, Sceal. When I'm stressed, I can't do much of the same for myself either. Besides, I was recovering from an EF and I tend to blame myself for the most arbitrary things when it happens.

Do I know who I am outside of these things? Well, if you asked me now, I would know, but to maintain that awareness of me through everyday life is more difficult for me. Being aware of what everyday tasks I want to do, being aware of my own opinions of how to judge myself as I observe others in a day, and being able to trust myself for it? It's tough.

I remember tea-the-artist having a similar question in her journal, and you could check her recent entries for my long response to that. Does it have something to do with our need for accomplishments? Yes, probably. The need lessens as I'm more aware of my own inner logic, not the type of close minded logic the world always gives. (Or inner heart for some other people, sure.)

I realized this from Enneagram - which is like Pete Walker's 4Fs in that it types people's responses to trauma, but this one types people's responses to shame, fear and anger. So we have 3 types each, and enneagram 3 is the type who works hard to create their own accomplishments to defeat their shame.

Well, is there a long term goal in life you'd like to do just for yourself? Not for acknowledgement, work or formal education? I know myself because I treat the goal of learning random interests and hobbies for fun as an essential life goal when others wouldn't see it as "practical" or "important". I hear a lot of creative people who feel forced to perform for it start being creative for themselves, not just others. Not that external motivations are bad, but there needs to be a balance.

[Sceal]

I am happy that you know who you are. It must be nice. It's a work in progress for me. I hope I'll figure it out one day.

As for long term goals? I used to have so many. They were all big, and all had to do with accomplishments.
But for me, on my own, without impressing anyone else... There is nothing. Except, perhaps to own my own home. To create a home that feels like a safe haven and feels like a home.

I was in town with my M yesterday. I can't remember the last time I went to town with her on my own, without her grumbling about being dragged to town. But this was at her suggestion. She's been doing alot better the last few weeks. She's smiling and laughing again. Her aggression level has reduced tremendously. She's more relaxed. It's good. I hope it continues this way. I am still on edge though when I go see her. Will it be strained? Will I be blamed for something? Will the conversation get heated? Will she get angry at something/someone (not me)?  But it was good. We went to two stores and didn't find what we were looking for. And then we went to have a cup of coffee. And we talked about childhood stuff. I said I had my dad wrapped around my finger when I was a child, she said I still do. That surprised me. I thought he was more familiar with my sister now. They keep hanging out and going for walks and hikes together. I don't join them because the expectation of performance wears me out before we even get started.
But it was a nice conversation.

[Sceal]

I was at group today. Two weeks since last time. It was a good session. I was the primary talker amongst the patients asking questions.
And I have come to a conclusion. My lack of connection to my emotions is most likely a result of being in the lower border of my tolerance window and often below it. That it's a survival mechanism. I haven't quite figured out if it is part of a dissociate state or not.
Dissociation is confusing for me. My own experiences doesn't always match up with what other describes their experiences are like. And that makes me wonder if my experiences is something else than dissociation? If so, what is it?
I have to try and read up on it and ask pointed questions. I just don't want to Google because it leads to too much confusing information and it wears me out.

I also got a phone call from the hospital. My T sent them a letter to postpone the surgery due to trauma therapy. I was worried I had to wait another 2 years after my T gives the green light. But the lady told me they will get me in as soon as they can after the green light is given.

[sanmagic7]

the primary talker in group?  my my my, sceal, how much progress that shows you've made.  i'm so very happy for you.

you know, i think the idea of creating your own safe home space is a wonderful project to become involved in.  especially with that 'having to impress' expectation you're working with.  home just for you, safe just for you.  pleasing just you.  i think that's not only lovely but important.  we all deserve a safe space in which to live.

best to you with the green light dynamic.  i think your trauma therapy is very important, and also that one on top of the other before you're ready for all that surgery entails could be counter-productive.  it sounds like it's not emergency surgery, so i'm glad you have the time to become ready for it.

warm, loving hug to you, sweetie. 

[Sceal]

Thank you San. I was speaking in a very low voice today, but I did most of the speaking. It's not the first time, I sometimes do it. Sometimes because I have a good day, or the topic is interessting and I enter into "work-mode". But more often than not it's because one of the two group leaders keep asking me to share my homework (they ask others too, but when no one wants to they smile so charmingly at me), and ask me to read (though that's mostly to ground me when I start fading). But today was voulentary. It was all me.

I was also wearing my Ravenclaw socks from Harry Potter. Somehow that tends to give me a boost.

I wish I could create that home-space, San. I really do. I've been yearning for it for 16 years now. But I can't afford it. I can't afford to rent alone, and even if I could.. It wouldn't be mine. I wouldn't be able to paint the way I'd like to. Or to have a cat as a pet. Or I wouldn't be able to decorate the way I'd like to - because it'd be temporary. But I'm not viable at the bank, and it doesn't seem like anything is going to change in that department for a very, very long time.

My surgery isn't an emergency no. I've been on the waitlist for 2.5 years now, waiting a little bit longer is okay. Me and my T discussed the surgery and trauma therapy. She told me I wouldn't be able to do both at once, it would be too difficult. As the surgery is quite invasive and it'll require alot from me afterwards. She said it had nothing to do with me, it's just the combination. She asked me what was most important to me. And it is trauma therapy. It is. I am hoping that getting past the traumas (if that is possible) will help me live a more productive, wholehearted life that is worth all these fights and uphill battles. The surgery will have an impact on that as well, as well as my health on a whole. But no surgery comes without risk.

My brain is turned on today. I don't know if it is because group is back on the schedule again, or if the conversation at the SA center is doing it's magic, or if it's because I've been at the gym 3 times the past 4 days... Or if it's because of the Ravenclaw socks.
But it feels good to have my brain turned back on.

My SA lady today suggested I make a list of all the things I wish I could take up with my T, and then bring it to my T. And let my T help me figure out which is currently worthwile to pursue and which will just interfer with my trauma therapy. That is what I want to focus on, the trauma therapy. But life outside the therapy room will continue to happen, and life will affect me in various ways. And questions, issues and concerns will become clear to me and make itself known. Like the performance/achievement thing. Or the dissociative questions, or the avoidance questions, or the food questions. And all the underlying questions.

[Hope67]

I was also wearing my Ravenclaw socks from Harry Potter. Somehow that tends to give me a boost.

Hi Sceal, You mentioning your Ravenclaw socks from Harry Potter made me smile. 

to you and glad that your brain feels like it's turned on again - I feel sure it is more than just your socks that have had that effect.   

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hope, a big  to you too.

The socks has made me smile several times today too
I hope my brain being turned on will last for a few more days. I get way more effective and productive this way. And I got some writing to my T to be done, and that's best done in this mode!

[DecimalRocket]

Though, I wonder what's the deeper reason you want a safe space for your home, Sceal? A businessman might want the goal to become rich for him to travel the world with his family, though what he really wants the most is just time spent with his family. It's a more encompassing and easier goal to do, huh? There's a problem solving technique on asking 5 whys to find the deeper reason on things, and I bet it can figure out emotional problems as much as logical ones.

Nice to hear that you're clarifying what you want in therapy. I like the Ravenclaw socks too. I binged on the Harry Potter book series before and I don't regret it. 

[Sceal]

Rocket, I know why I want and need a home to call my own. I don't need to explore it further or deeper.
I still binge on Harry Potter. Both the books and the movies. I'm going to Harry Potter world in about a month, and it will be the highlight of the year. I kid you not!

[Sceal]

Today has been a very, very long day.
I've written a little bit about it at other places on the forum, but I'm just going to try and let it all out here too.

Though I will start to say that I've noticed something - being given advice these days bothers me. Especially when I'm not pointedly using the words " I need advice on this, could you help me on this matter?". I don't know why it bothers me, I haven't figured it out yet. But it makes me more and more distant to the people who keeps giving me advice these days. It's not the first time I get in this mode, and it will pass. But it is here now.

Yesterday was a good day, which meant that I got to process alot of things. I thought about a lot of things, I wrote down questions, thoughts and musings. And I've started on my longer letter to my T compiling these questions and events that's transpired since last session. So she can help me sift through what's important to continue dealing with and what I can do on my own time - so to speak.
And I often forget that those kinds of day gives me hangovers. They are exhausting, they wear me out. And it's not really surprising they do - but I forget. And I forgot today.

I woke up early. Started doing some art for a few friends, and I helped another friend with some creative things before I was heading out to meet a personal trainer for the first time. I won a free consultation. What I also forgot is that talking about my body with a stranger is triggering for me. It's shameful, extremely so. But I'm so out of contact with my emotions these days that I didn't register the toll it took on me. We talked about food, my confusion and me touching upon the eating disorder. With this complete stranger. We talked about how to improve my workout schedule so I can benefit properly and how changes can be made to last rather than becoming a jo-jo dieter or up and down in weight and prolonging the joy of working out. I walked out of there with my head exploding with information. I walked down to town (approximate 20 minutes in my slow pace) and headed to the SA center to write down my thoughts.
I ended up being social with some of the other users of the center - which I rarely do. Sometimes, but always very carefully. Today I was more active. It was good, we were preparing vegetable seeds for growing. They are going to a farm soon, and going to bring the seeds with them to plant properly in the ground. But such interactins, no matter how nice, is taxing for me. I am still very much an introvert who needs quiet time.

Then I had the gallery opening. And the phone call to my mother, realizing they weren't coming and I had to face this all on my own. Realizing she'd forgotten (for real, she wasn't covering it up with a poorly made lie this time -which is what she usually does), and the hurt that came with it that I didn't want to feel too much upon - resulting in a prolongued medium anxiety attack. You know, the kind that lasts for a long time, but is not so huge that it puts you completely out of work there and then.  You stop breathing, and you stop working, but you're somehow able to perform. For a limited time.
It was overwhelming at the gallery and I left shortly after. I did it though. I am trying to remind myself that I did walk though the door on my own. Without any support system. Without anyone holding my mental hand. I walked through the door eventhough people had bailed on me. And I was very much alone in an extremly social situation that I couldn't deal with.
I even patted myself on the shoulder in public, to remind myself that I should be proud that I did it, despite it being difficult.

But I feel nothing. I don't feel any accomplishments. I don't feel pride, I don't feel relief or joy, I don't feel shame or sadness or irritation. I feel nothing.
And that sucks. It sucks I cannot accept that it was difficult but yet I did it.

I  went back to the SA center afterwards, and isolated myself in chair away from the others. One of the people working there eventually came over to me. She likes to push me in a friendly manner when I'm there during thursdays. I told her I wasn't able to be social with the others this time. I wasn't really doing so well. So we talked loosely about it. She said it is perfectly normal that in the beginning of trauma therapy that the emotions dissapear. It's a way of coping, a way of surviving. And that eventually they will come back, and they will intensify -and it will be awful. It sounds awful. Not sure I want that. but down the line - through all of this, I will be able to keep my emotions at a  balanced level. Normal level. I will be able to feel the entire spectrum of them without being so overwhelmed I either push them away or they break me down. That seems far, far away. Because I don't know how to turn them on. I really don't.  And I'm wondering if my subconcious don't want to? Maybe I don't want to, because I don't know if I can control them in social settings? Just a thought that hit me on the head right now.

So much more to say to be honest, but I am wearing myself more and more thin. I should go to bed and dissapear for a few hours while the body rests.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Sceal. Sorry if I ever give you more advice than you feel you need. I don't pick things up as well as other people, so I'm glad you said it directly.

I can relate to my emotions numbing sometimes. I get the sense that I should feel something, but I can't. Even the frustration of having to feel something feels too weak. To tell you the truth, I'm scared about feeling my emotions sometimes. From experience, there's a lot of emotion unexpressed and waiting to come out inside me, and knowing what it could cause is scary.

It's strange. In a way, I want these emotions to come out and feel relief after. On the other hand, I'm scared of feeling them in the first place. The cognitive dissonance really makes it more confusing.

Anyway, take care. I know how bad your eating disorder can be, and your need for perfection. So I'm glad you're giving yourself rest. That's good self care.

[sanmagic7]

i'm also glad you stated what you did about getting unsolicited advice, sceal.  sounds strong and empowering to me.

i understand about the safe home situation.  i'm in a temporary situation now myself, and probably will be till the end.  i guess i was thinking about the room i rent now (in someone else's house), and how i make it my own just by making sure i have my 'things' surrounding me.  they all remind me of a good time in my life, or something meaningful just to me.

like my books - and yes, i have all the harry potter books, have read them umpteen times, have hp pop-up books, but i have no socks!  i got a big smile on my face when i read that.  you go, girl!  alice in wonderland is my other go-to fav book, and i have loads of alice stuff.  i can't believe you're getting to go to hp world - i've just been thinking about going there myself in the future.  it's one of my goals.  have a wonderful, wonderful time.

love and a big hug, sweetie.  i loved your pat on the shoulder at the gallery, too.  well done!

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal - day 8 for me.  still standing right next to you if it helps.  one day at a time.  thinking of you.  love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Hi Rocket,
I'm just in a period where too much advice will work against it's purpose.
I understand the fear of emotions. I fear some emotions, or rather not the emotions - but the consequences that may come with them. If I get extremely sad over time - it may cause me to cry in public, or it may cause me to eat more, or it may cause me to lose interest in everything. It's not ideal.  The other emotions have other consequences.

Hi San,
Harry Potter has been a comfort to me through various hard times. They are easy to read, and easy to find important characters to relate too. I love fantasy books, more than many other genre. I was hard for me when I had to get rid of most of my books, even if they were just books I were never going to read again, and not very good books.

I unfortunatedly didn't make it to 8 days. I faltered at the 5th day. The being abandoned at the gallery opening cost me too much. And now I got cravings again. I think it's because i'm worn out. Mentally and physically, and I don't like feeling depleted. And quick carbs often makes one regain energy quickly, or the illusion of it. And it doesn't help at all.