What now?

[MarieKT]

      Some years ago, I accepted what happened when I was a kid and moved on from that anger. I realized what was lost and came to terms with it. I still see my father and have a relatively good relationship with him. After my parents divorced, I wasn't subjected to living with my dad and that helped our relationship. I realize that he badly damaged me and I'm not the person I could have become.
       Some aspects of C-PTSD I rarely experience anymore, such as flashbacks. I'm also definitely not caught up on revenge towards him. I try to realize my dad is a very flawed person, but also I want the best for him. That hasn't always been the case however, and there were times when I could have killed him myself.
         I guess what I'm getting at, is that I feel there is very little I can do about some symptoms. Much of the craziness of my family happened from birth to age 15 or so, and some of the symptoms, such as a negative self imagine, are so ingrained and so imbedded into my personality that I couldn't imagine how you would  separate it. Certain ways I've even soothed myself are odd, like just thinking about suicide when things get too *. It's like my emergency escape plan, and that's the kind of thing I think about when I'm upset. I  have a pretty serious anxiety disorder that occasionally causes me to faint in public, and it's sometimes better, sometimes worse, but very much present. I also feel fundamentally different from other people or somehow tainted, but I don't think this belief could or would change. I feel like all I can do is accept these changes and try to move on the best I can.

[Blueberry]

Just wanted to say Hi and Welcome on here. Glad you found us.

I'm about to log off, I need a break badly. But may get back to you in a day or two.
- Blueberry

[Libby12]

Hello and welcome MarieKT.

I really understand what you are saying. 

It sounds like you have done a lot of healing.   You sound like a very brave and kind and forgiving person to be able to say that  you accept that your F is a flawed person who you now want the best for. I think that is amazing.  I accept that my abusive parents were flawed but have no relationship with them (mostly their choice) .  I certainly can't feel that I wish them well. It seems that you have reached a healthy position with regards to your father.

But you are so right and it is something I am struggling with - the feeling that I am what I am now,  that I will always be tainted by the past.  My nm's abuse started from the day I was born,  I believe.  I was always told that I was so wanted (to ease the pain of her own unhappy childhood) but was such a disappointment because I didn't love her enough and didn't think she was good enough for me!   I was only a baby.  Years of emotional and physical abuse followed,  enabled by father.  I hear you absolutely.   What sort of person would we have been without that deeply ingrained negative self image, all of the anxiety and the direction our lives took as a result of the harm done to us in our formative years. For me, the big issue is social relationships.   I can talk to anyone and come over quite well.   Nm hated this and would tell me I was too "big for my boots". I talk to people and get on well initially but cannot maintain any sort of relationship.  I am too anxious and simply cannot trust anybody other than my h and children. How I have stayed married for 25 years and maintained a good relationship with my grown-up children,  I will never know. Perhaps I am not all bad.

Getting to grips with c-ptsd (undiagnosed as doctors in the UK seem clueless,  but I relate to every aspect)  has led me to a realisation that this is me now.   I have accepted that I will never have real friends - just pleasant interactions with a few neighbours and some nice people I meet regularly when I walk my dog. I have lost contact with my one friend of 30years and am not sad.  I just want to leave the past behind and not be involved with people who make me unhappy.  I even feel like this about my in-laws.  In 25+years not one of them has ever taken the slightest interest in me.  They shut me down and invalidated me whenever I tried to explain my past and explain (apologise)  for some of my strange behaviour.  They just did not want to know and all effort to visit etc was on us. I feel let down by everyone throughout life, except for my h and children and dog.

Like you said, there seems no way to change any of this.   Do you ever feel that you have tried and failed to undo the damage your early experiences have to your life?  I really do so I have decided to concentrate on the people and things that matter to me.  No one else cares so they won't judge.   I have had a lifetime of trying to please people who don't care as groomed by nm to do.  It is about accepting what we can't change, I think.  Perhaps I was never meant to be sociable,  who knows.   What I am still so upset about is how pretty much all of my pleasure in my early marriage and in my childrens' early lives was stolen from me by my mother.  I hate her for this so have decided the best thing is to make up for this now,  as best I can. Anxiety has stopped me doing so much with my family,  for example,  we have never had a holiday,  but in two weeks time I am accompanying my dd on a trip abroad. It is connected to her neuroscience research into the effects of stress on the brain.  Very apt, I think. I am very anxious and will have to face up to a lot of my fears but I am doing it for her and for me.

Sorry to have rambled on about myself so much.   What I am trying to say is that I think you are right when you say that you might just have to accept some of the damage that has been done. Then we can move on,  without punishing ourselves for things that we did not cause,  and get something new and rewarding and enjoyable out of life, whilst not trying to change what is such an integral part of us and our history.

I hope this makes some sense and wish you every success and happiness in your life

Best wishes

Libby