Fear of a Healthy Relationship

[Maceo]

I'll keep it short, because I really cannot explain this. I've been very lucky to have a wonderful, kind, supportive friend for about 11 years now. I've known he's loved me for years, and I can honestly say I love him, but until very recently the thought of a romantic relationship with him was too overwhelming.
We've talked, and have just started dating (at my prompting) but I cannot shake this horrible fear and guilt, and I cannot even name it. I know all my past relationships have been dysfunctional and/or abusive, and that abuse and dysfunction are the types of relationships in which I'm most comfortable.
He so kind and patient and considerate, and it scares me sooo much, and I cannot even begin to say why. Our friends are all thrilled for us, the common response is "finally!"
I guess I'm just feeling really stuck and confused because I know I should just be excited and happy about this, and there are times in which I am that, excited, grateful, happy, in love... but I'm still beating back this illogical panic.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be incredibly welcome.
Thank you all

[Lingurine]

Hi Maceo,

It's the feeling of fear we often dismiss, but is so very important to listen to. Our logic tends to reason why we must try, because we invested all this time in someone or are afraid to say no or feel flattered by the validation we receive from someone and don't give priority to what we feel. Fear is an honest emotion and protects us from choosing the wrong people. When you feel this, maybe it's an idea to go slow. Then you can step back and concentrate on what fears you.

Wish you a lot of whisdom.

Lingurine

[justdontknow]

I would make sure he doesn't take the relationship more quickly than your comfortable with. If he's a friend who's loved you for years he may be quite intense quite quickly. This happened to me and I found it too much and had to break things off when he said he loved me after just a couple of dates. I think maybe part of the problem is that if we've had bad relationships in the past we may feel we're not worthy of love and not know how to accept it. Also, it can be associated with bad things so the fear and panic is understandable and is probably your body's memory of past relationships that should have been loving and healthy but weren't. Do you feel this fear every time you get into any relationship or is it just the fact that this one seems different?

[Maceo]

Thank you both. I'm becoming more comfortable as the days/weeks progress. I've also been speaking with my therapist and have had a few insights as to what it is I'm afraid of (he's too good for me, I'm going to hurt him, to name a few.)

Right now, I know I just need to be patient as we both adjust to this shift in our relationship. That I do deserve something positive and healthy, and that communication (which has been happening) does not need to be scary (as in, he welcomes conversation and feedback and doesn't jump to defensive and anger- which is what I've known.) The more time that passes, the more natural things begin to feel; the more I can see that something horrible isn't just around the corner, and am starting to trust that this could be a great experience.

Again, I always appreciate the feedback I receive in this forum.

[JayDubs]

Best of luck Maceo.. The tortoise won the race.  Take things slow and easy sounds like a safe plan.  I have avoided intimate relationships like the plague.  Two big fears for me are not being good enough and not being how strong enough to let it go if it is not working.   I fear having to be the one to 'break-up' .   Wasn't given a chance to have boundaries and defending myself would be met with a lot of hostility regardless of how tactfully it was done.   Crippling stuff...and didn't really think about it until just now.

[Frederica]

I feel a little impudent/bossy saying this, but it came to mind immediately when I read your words, so I thought I'd say it anyway, feel free to ignore if it sounds like the wrong thing for you.

My only advice is - choose them. Actively choose them and be the one who initiates the relationship, when you feel ready - and only then.

Abusers choose us - like predators picking out the weak ones in the herd.  They take advantage of our lack of available choices to make us think it was our idea to be with them, and then stay with them. They choose us. We are used to being passively picked up, like low-hanging fruit.

Turn the tables.  Just from a couple of posts, it's apparent you are person who is doing work on themselves - going to therapy, developing insight into your feelings and thoughts. So when when that moment of panic comes where you want to flee preemptively, you can tell yourself that you are a thoughtful person with good judgement, and this is different. Something you're choosing, rather than something that's happening to you.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think that's pretty solid advice, Frederica.
I know in the past, every relationship that involved others choosing me, it has turned sour. But the one time I chose someone else, my closest friend, we've had the longest and more fulfilling friendship out of all the relationships I've had.

Not wanting to go too unrelated to the topic at hand though - I wish you well Maceo. Best of luck with it all. Glad to see you have such positive company.

[sanmagic7]

hey, maceo,

a similar experience, one that when things began going right, i was feeling listened to, cared about, he shared himself with me - everything that makes up true intimacy - i got scared enough to run.  and, i almost did.

it was the most afraid i'd ever felt about a relationship, and i had to sit with myself for several hours contemplating that fear and what it meant.   for me, it meant i was actually going to get what i'd always wanted from a relationship, what i'd never had before.  the fear related to being uncomfortable with something that was positive and healthy.

i managed to face the fear down, talked to him about it, and he was quite supportive, caring, and understanding.    it sounds like you're making some great progress in that direction with your t.  too often we aren't comfy with what's healthy for us because we haven't had much experience with something like that.  it's scary as scat when we find it.

i agree to go slow, keep communicating, feel it out little by little.  so far, so good, it seems.  best to you and a warm hug.