Could I have CPTSD?

[Suzanne]

Hi, I'm 43, for the first 13 years of life I was physically and emotionally abused by my father while my mum would say we'll leave one day.  I was bullied at school from age 6 to 16, every day, threats of violence at school then go home threats of violence and actual violence at home.  My mum and I left my father when I was 13 but my mum was psychologically suffocating and would control who I was and flit between being nice and giving me the silent treatment to being downright nasty.  I have long thought that I've suffered with depression when old memories start to surface of my childhood to the point they consume my every waking moment and go on for several months.  In this time I go into rages, overwhelming guilt and numbness, making life miserable for my children and husband.  I believe my husband is trying to control me and I start getting paranoid and feeling trapped in my life.

I have been diagnosed with narcolepsy with cataplexy through a lumbar puncrure which shows low hypocretin levels.  I also have chronic pain/suspected fibromyalgia which both conditions can be brought on by abuse. 

I turned to drugs when I was 15 and by 19 was on heroin.  I gave up the drug when I was 23, had my first child at 25 but my mum maintained a tight grip on my life even though I didn't live with her, this feeling of anxiety she would cause me.  I don't have anything to do with my father.  I don't really want anything to do with my mother but I end up feeling guilty if i don't phone. 

Anyway just wondering if this cyclical thinking that takes over my life is CPTSD or depression?

[Libby12]

Hi Suzanne.

It sounds as if we have quite a similar background in terms of the physical and emotional abuse from parents,  made worse by constant bullying at school.  It seems so common that children abused in the home are bullied at school.  Most of my abuse was at the hands of my nm and lasted well into adulthood. The anxiety she caused really affected my marriage and my children. 

I know that I have felt depressed for as long as I can remember (about age four I think) .   I was really suffering badly about five years ago and said that I thought my relationship with my mother had played a big part in it and I have received the ST from parents and sister ever since.   I dealt with this but felt something was still badly wrong with me and that led me to the area of c-ptsd, which explained everything I had been experiencing all my life.  It sounds as if you are at this point now.  Have you come across the two books that are most recommended by people here?   The body keeps the score and From striving to thriving.   They really sum everything up. It's such a relief to understand why you feel like you do, including having an explanation for the chronic pain / fybromyalgia that I too have struggled with for years.

For me, I think that I suffered depression for years, went through various stressful situations (clearly the case for you as well),  which were hard to cope with because that basic self-esteem and self-belief had not been established in childhood,  and so the depression tipped over into c-ptsd. Understanding the concept and the role of emotional flashbacks, which I got from reading on this site,  was especially useful.   When you describe the rage, guilt and numbness,  and concerns for your family in these situations,  it sounds as if you could be in an EF.   The sudden rage, out of all proportion to the actual situation was so difficult for me and my family but having a framework to recognise and cope makes things so much better for everyone.

Learning all about c-ptsd from books and this site really had helped me so much and I hope you can start to heal as well.  I see that, like me, you are in the UK.   I have found little understanding or help from the NHS.  I hope you have or will find something better but at least you can come here for support and advice.   I have found more positive things here than I have ever got from any doctor or health professional.

Best wishes to you.

Libby

[Three Roses]

Suzanne, although none of us here are qualified to diagnose you, the circumstances you describe certainly sound like they could induce CPTSD. I'm so sorry.

Also, many of us here don't have an official diagnosis as doctors and therapists try to fit us into a diagnosis of PTSD, although evidence shows they're different in many ways. The medical community is catching up tho, and I believe someday soon there will be more trauma-informed care for us.

... old memories start to surface of my childhood to the point they consume my every waking moment and go on for several months. In this time I go into rages, overwhelming guilt and numbness.... 

This sounds like you are describing being triggered into an emotional flashback or EF, and dealing with it in one or two of the 4F responses Pete Walker talks about in his book "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving".

Symptoms of CPTSD:

1) Emotional flashbacks – unlike ordinary flashbacks, emotional flashbacks frequently occur without any visual content. Instead, they can be seen as regressions to the experience of intense psychological pain associated with being an abused, neglected or abandoned child.

Often, such flashbacks will entail the experiencing of extreme fear, resulting in hyperarousal of the sympathetic nervous system and triggering of the 'fight or flight' response....

Other emotions which may accompany such flashbacks include a feeling of utter powerlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, shame and despair.

2) A deep sense of shame/guilt- some dysfunctional primary caregivers/parents are prone to frequently treating their children with contempt. Such treatment is known to be particularly psychologically damaging and can lead to what has been called a sense of toxic shame. Individuals suffering from this tend to see themselves as despicable, contemptible, repellant human beings and in some profound, yet inexpressible, way, irredeemably morally flawed.

[Suzanne]

Hi Libby12,

I've always thought that I've had depression, but some of my symptoms didn't seem to fit.  I developed trauma during my last pregnancy because of previous bad experiences with my other two.  One member of the birth trauma group yesterday posted about PTSD, so I did some reading.  PTSD seemed to fit the bill for my pregnancy, but I became curious about the feelings etc of the last goodness knows how long, from a newborn baby I suppose.   PTSD and depression didn't quite cover my experiences.  I found an article on CPTSD and bingo! I found exactly what I am experiencing.  It is exhausting going through this.  My trigger is my mum, when she becomes more of a presence in my life and the old issues of not quite knowing if I a the parent or therapist and then the lips tightening and silent treatment, having to listen to her same problems over and over again and then saying that my father was a decent man as he came from better stock than my stepfather who was a very gentle man but allowed my mum to control him and reduced his life to sitting in an armchair when he retired.  He wasn't even allowed to go to the kitchen to make a cup of tea without it causing an issue.  My oldest child spent a lot of time with my mum while I was working and now has social anxiety, rock bottom self esteem.  But what makes me so bloody angry is the fact my mum says on occasion that my father was a decent man, that is the ultimate smack in my face.

My father from as long as I can remember hated me, anything could trigger he to tell me to get to my room and wait for him.  Sometimes I would be in my room in a heightened state of panic for up to an hour. He would then come in, make me pull down my clothes and bend over the bed and hit me in the backside, lower back area until I was begging and my body twisting the pain, the more I begged and pleaded the harder he would hit, until he was exhausted.  Oh my god this is painful to write.  Anything would be the trigger, eating chewing gum a friend had given me, I wasn't allowed to do that.  Laughing and playing with friends, I'd be called in by my mum and my father would ground me, one time for 6 months.  If I didn't finish my food, I would get another beating.  I would feel physically sick while having to swallow the food down.  Other times when I was 5 years old my mum would make a packed lunch with food she thought I should eat, not what I liked.  If I didn't eat my packed lunch, I would have to go to my room, have my clothes pulled down and be beaten and sent to bed with no tea, so not only didn't I have lunch I also didn't have tea.  One time in Canada, after not being allowed into the living room for a few days my father allowed me to sit in their, but I had to sit with my back to the television, if I looked he threatened that I would return to my room and wait for him.  Those thirteen years were a constant state of alert, fear and the start of internalising my anger. At the age of 10 I used to fantasise of running away and living on the streets in Vancouver.  My grandparents did emigrate to Canada and hen the level of abuse got so bad, my grandparents made my mum and father take me to theirs for a week or two in the summer where I was given the love and kindness I needed.  My grandparents, aunt, uncle's wife and cousins are the ones who showed me how I should have been treated.  My mum left my father when friends of hers witnessed him kicking me because my mum's friend had put lipstick on me.  I don't remember this, but I do remember him trying to make me look like a boy, by having all my long hair cut off short and the clothes I had to wear were awful, this was aged 13.  Things didn't improve when we left my father, my mum was extremely controlling, at age 16 she would lay clothes out on my bed which she had chosen and I would have to wear.  I was the laughing stock of all my peers.  This is when drugs such as MDMA really took hold of my life and running away from home etc. Another incident which sticks out in my mind is when I was in my final stage of pregnancy with my oldest child, I was doubled over in pain on all fours and my mum asked me to do something.  She was stood in the bathroom putting lipstick on.  I said I couldn't I was in pain, she then called me a selfish *, I was in the first stage of labour.  By this stage in my life, aged 25, I no longer feared her, even though she did make me anxious with her threats escalating to things such as she would phone social services to remove my child, because she saw a man help me up the steps to my flat with shopping and pushchair.  But the fear had now been replaced with rage and hatred towards my mum.  My mum on the other hand has no recollection of any of these incidents and has a way of saying that she did her best for me.  I am terrified of parenting my children the same way and try to provide a secure attachment but there a periods of time where my memories break through and the rage comes and my children look at me with fear.  It breaks my heart, I try to explain that I'm not well and that they have done nothing wrong and that I'm going to try hard to get better.  But my depression has been rumbling on for a couple of years now and recently I have developed dermatillomania and now have a bald patch on my head where I've been picking my scalp.  Sorry for long post but this is a brief summary of my life.

[Suzanne]

Thank you Three Swans, I am so pleased to have found this group.  I now know what's wrong with me.  I have a counselling session on September 4th, over the phone for depression, but I will tell the therapist that I have CPTSD and hopefully will be referred to appropriate services as this therapist will only be offering CBT.

[Libby12]

Hi again Suzanne.

Your story is horrific - such violence from your father. No one should ever suffer so much.  I had a lot of physical abuse from nm but not like yours. It was,  I think,  her emotional abuse that did most damage.  I was saying yes, yes as I read of your parents control around food and eating.  And being told what to wear - like you, mostly boys clothes with a short, boyish hair style.   How could we ever fit in.

Your pregnancy experience also rang bells with me.  My second was a difficult twin pregnancy resulting in premature,  low birth weight babies who both had special needs.  My nm behaved terribly throughout all this and piled on extra stress, as yours clearly did.

I feel we have plenty of stories in common.

I had 20+ sessions of CBT a few years ago, before I knew anything of c-ptsd.  It helped a bit but never addressed the underlying trauma, so do push for specialist help, if at all possible.  In my experience that is what you need and deserve.   

Also, the fact that you know you have problems and don't blame your children , means that you are and will be a good parent.  It's the ones who dump their problems onto their children  and who are never accountable,  who damage and ultimately lose their children.   So don't worry and get well.

All the best to you.

Libby

[Suzanne]

Thank you Libby, I work with adults who have learning disabilities/autism and anxiety. It's through my safeguarding adults and person-centred-care and equality and diversity training that has enabled me to transfer the skills to parenting the two youngest children who are 4 and 21 months, plus I'm in a stable marriage and husband has a nice family.  I also love learning so have researched attachment styles and how to provide a secure attachment.  I vowed never to treat my oldest, the way I was treated but did fall back on emotional abuse as I didn't know how to parent effectively, the saving grace was/is that I loved her the moment I found out I was pregnant.  Our relationship wobbled as she hit teens but we are in a good place now.  She feels safe with me when life gets difficult for her.  Breaking the cycle of abuse is an uphill struggle, I want my children to be strong, happy and confident.  I want to shake off my chains which anchor me in the past and enjoy life, reach my potential.

I am so grateful that there are people like you who can empathise.  I'll also let you know how I get on with the initial counselling assessment.  I see that NICE and the NHS do have CPTSD guidelines.  I suppose because CPTSD is in the beginnings of being officially recognised, treatment will be hit and miss to begin with.

[Three Roses]

Suzanne, I'm so sorry you experienced such terrible abuse. 

You are brave to be looking at this issue, and working to make changes. It is not easy, so good job you!