Hopeless

[hopeless]

It's been suggested to me before that I have PTSD.  I had a difficult childhood.  I'm afraid to share my story in case anyone I know ever saw it.  I got married shortly after leaving home.  The man was a hard core narcissist.  I left when I realized that if I did not, I would lose myself completely.  I married again a couple years later.  I would guess he is also a narcissist, but he is less obvious and more passive aggressive.  We're still together after 20 years.  I have lost myself. 

I feel hopeless that anything will ever get better.  I have no joy anymore.  I have no reason to live.  I have reasons to not die.  If I keep myself busy, I don't cry.  But there are fewer and fewer things I enjoy doing.  I would rather be alone than anything.  Life is so much easier when you don't have to be around other people.  I'm fine at work - superficial friendships are easy. 

But the flip side is that I want to so so so badly to be loved.  I want someone to care enough to help me out of this hole.   To love me enough that I can trust them enough to open up.  I want someone to love me enough to not think I'm crazy.  I'm not crazy. 

I probably sound crazy.  Ha.  I probably am.  But I do know that I've been through a lot.  I've been through so much that I trust no one with my heart or soul. 

And I chase people away.  I know I do.  If they think I have bad intentions or a bad attitude, I get pissed and write them off. 

I'm rambling.  And sounding crazy.  I'm in a really bad place and trying to make sense.  But I'm so desparate and lonely.

Yes, I have tried therapy.  I feel like my people pleasing gets in the way.  I don't want them to be mad that I'm not making progress.  I don't want to go back if I'm doing well and then fall down again.  And I definitely don't want meds again.  They don't help...just make me numb and tired.

I've been everything to everyone.  I've tried to make everyone happy.  I don't need to get back what I give out.  But I sure would like to be heard.  To be treated with kindess, politeness, respect.

I don't know that I will ever be "ok" enough to actually maintain a normal relationship.   

[hopeless]

Ok, I think the emotional storm I was caught up in has passed a bit.  Sorry my introduction was so crazy.  I do think I belong here.  I hope you'll accept me.

[Kizzie]

Hi Hopeless and welcome to OOTF, glad you found your way here 

You've taken a big step by reaching out so kudos!  You don't sound crazy, not to worry - we are here because we live in a storm of sorts, confusing feelings and thoughts that stem from trauma, past and/or present.    We're bound to feel like we're not making sense but that's the beauty of a web site like this - everyone gets it so even when you think you're babbling, you're not, you're just describing that inner storm

Trust is a huge issue for most of us, having been subjected to abuse/neglect and it makes sense really not to trust - it protects us except that as you it is so very lonely.  Posting here is one step to coming out of isolation - it may be that you will get more comfortable talking about CPTSD to the point where you can give therapy another try.  Once you begin to champion yourself, the people pleasing will fade.

I don't know if you saw any of the references to the work of Pete Walker, he's getting to be the CPTSD guru, but if not have a look at some of his articles at his site and see if they resonate with you.  A lot of us find we relate to what he says.

You deserve to be treated with kindness, politeness and respect - and much more too - love, joy, laughter, fun, and best of all being comfortable in your own skin.

[hopeless]

Thanks for the welcome, Kizzie.  I think I've now read every post on this forum.  Yes, I belong here.  You've certainly made therapy and meds sound appealing.    Honestly though, if meds could interrupt the storms that get triggered, that would be amazing.

I ordered the book and will start reading shortly.

Thank you so much for the kind words, dear.  I appreciate them.

[Kizzie]

You're most welcome Hopeless.  Here's a link to Walker's site if you want to start having a look at some of his writing - http://www.pete-walker.com/

[Butterfly]

Just wanted to add my welcome.

[Badmemories]

It really helps being here.. Reading, visiting sites posted by others. I was too shy to write an introduction when I first started reading on here! IF I had I am sure it would read like yours or even worse!

Welcome... Never be afraid to post, we've collectively experienced a lot! Welcome to our group! Positive thoughts your way!

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi and welcome. Your post sounded like a summary of my own feelings. I never thought anyone else could be feeling like this. Reading what you wrote made me realize how sane it actually is. It's a normal response to finding oneself in an abnormal situation. Pulling away from others and being overly defended - you'll have plenty of reasons for doing that, given that you have CPTSD. And then feeling isolated and wanting affection - isn't that a real and actual sign that you're a sane, normal person with sane, normal feelings?

And if that's true for you, then maybe it's true for me, too? Ah-ha!

My kid asked me what I'm doing, and when I said I'm posting something to someone who was having a very difficult time (she can't read English), she wanted to send you a smiley-face. Here it is:

 

[Kizzie]

Aw-w-w-, that is adorable SDK and what life should be about eh (my Canadian is showing lol)? A smile from a child.

Right backacha   

[Rrecovery]

Hi Hopeless and welcome,

Your intro didn't sound crazy to me it sounded courageous.  I know what it's like to feel crushed out of existence by narcissists.  But I also know that the true self can never be destroyed, it is always there ready to blossom when it receives enough safety and nurturance. I hope you'll find that here and elsewhere.

It fills my heart with joy to read all the caring and compassionate responses    A Silver Lining to being a trauma survivor is emotional intelligence and the ability to connect deeply when we are safe.  I am proud to belong here 

[selfcompassion]

"But the flip side is that I want to so so so badly to be loved.  I want someone to care enough to help me out of this hole.   To love me enough that I can trust them enough to open up.  I want someone to love me enough to not think I'm crazy.  I'm not crazy."

What if that person turned out to be you?

[bheart]

Hi Hopeless,
Welcome to this site.  I too am new here but just read your post and can relate to how you are feeling.  I hope you find comfort and support here. I have found that people who have been there, have similar experiences and issues, are the only ones who really understand, care and that in itself is helpful and comforting.  I look forward to reading your posts.  Please take care.

[Kizzie]

"But the flip side is that I want to so so so badly to be loved.  I want someone to care enough to help me out of this hole.   To love me enough that I can trust them enough to open up.  I want someone to love me enough to not think I'm crazy.  I'm not crazy."

What if that person turned out to be you?

Really excellent question SC!!