Abuser used me to do dishonest or mean things

[writetolife]

I starting to realize that my abuser used me to do dishonest or just plain mean things.  And I'm starting to get angry and very disappointed with myself.  Did anyone else's abuser do this?  I know this must not be an isolated thing, but, nonetheless, I'm looking for someone to tell me that it isn't just me. 

[Elphanigh]

Writetolife, I am so sorry that happened to you. I can ensure you that it isn't just you. I experienced that too with one of my abusers very extensively. The other abusers didn't so much but one of mine did. Just know you have no reason to be disappointed in yourself. You were groomed into that behavior no matter what the mean or dishonest things were I promise.

That being said I struggle with that every day... my abuser made me do more than just mean things. She made me do some truly atrocious things, that I haven't been able to forgive myself for.

Just know you are not alone, and have no fault in these things. I am glad you can recognize them, and your anger toward them. You deserve to get to be mad at them for what they did. You were small and did the best that you knew how. 

[sanmagic7]

writetolife, o yes, i can relate.  it happened to me with that narc t whose spell i was under.  anything to be part of her inner circle, to keep my job (yeah, she saw me for sessions, groomed me to be her best friend, and was my employer all at the same time) and to keep the friendship that i cherished at the time. 

i did things for her that were hurtful to others who thought of me as a friend, that were sneaky, where i spied on them for her.  i was in my 40's, so you'd think i knew better, but this was my first time in therapy, i knew nothing about it, i was newly recovering from addictions, and i had no sense of self.  i was as trusting as a child, and as vulnerable.

she took advantage of that vulnerability, just like anyone with power takes advantage of someone vulnerable.  too often it's an adult over a child, but it can happen anytime.  we do what is wanted by the predator for any number of reasons, but those reasons are because of them, not because of us.   they should be carrying the blame and shame for what they had us do.  it was never on us to do differently.

even at 40, when the age thing would normally say 'why didn't you know better?'  'why didn't you refuse?'  you were an adult with adult power, she never threatened you, you had free will', etc.  the fact is that because i had no sense of self at that point, much like a child whose 'self' is not fully formed,  the threat of rejection or abandonment was implied.    she held me captive with 3 layers of relationship, and i did what she wanted because i didn't think i would survive without her in my life.

the shame and blame lie completely on her, altho she'd deny and defend to this day.  that's the mark of a predator.  they will never take the rightful blame, so leave it to us to deal with, and will often try to shift the blame to us.   and we suffer because of it.    the same goes for anyone who encourages and allows someone with less power to do mean, hurtful things to further their own agenda.   it's on them, not you.  never on you.  imbalance of power is the key. 

you were coerced into doing their bidding.  (this goes for you, too, elphanigh, and anyone else in this type of situation).  i don't like what i did.  if i knew then what i know now, i would've been able to resist her from the beginning.  same with you.  but you didn't, so you couldn't.  it wasn't in your power or control.  you did what you did in order to survive, which i know has been said a thousand times, but if you think of it, it's true.

it definitely isn't just you, writetolife.   there's a whole lot of us out there.  our anger belongs to them, not to us.   they have caused this self-hatred to fester in our bones.   they should have known better when we weren't able to.  they were supposed to be our protectors and have our best interests at heart instead of taking advantage of our vulnerability.  o yes, i'm mad at her all over again, and every single others like her.    you don't have to carry this any longer than you want - it's not your burden to carry.    peace to you wrapped around you in a big hug.

[writetolife]

Sanmagic7 and Elphanigh,

Those experiences sound terrible.  I'm so sorry they happened to you.  I really don't understand how people can act the way these people did.  It makes no sense to me. 

In my case, my f used me against my mother, but also to lie to other people, and I just feel terrible about it.   And I think there must be other things too that I must not be thinking of right now.  I  know he tried to get me to lie to the government when he wouldn't do it himself. 

In my case, however, I can't help but feel that I did have some responsibility because there were times when I said no.  So, when I didn't say no, I should have.

[Elphanigh]

Writetolife, I promise you none of it was your fault. I do said no sometimes.. and didn't at some of the times it mattered the most. Imagine looking at someone else in that situation and see how you feel towards them. You deserve the same love and compassion as you are giving me and Sanmagic7. 

[sanmagic7]

 

it doesn't matter.  none of it matters.  if we said no a thousand times, and yes just once, it still isn't on us.  that 'yes' was coerced, it was corrupted.  anything that was corrupted doesn't figure into a 'normal' equation.   you are no better or worse than the rest of us, writetolife.  your schema was corrupted by someone who held power over you.

peace and love and compassion to us all.