Hi, self diagnosis

[Gromit]

I don't have a diagnosis of anything, apart from palindromic arthritis, but I have been looking for answers my whole life and been on and off anti-depressants for about 10 years. VLC with my parents for 9 years.

I found out about CEN somehow which resonated with me, my mother had some kind of breakdown after having my older sister and had 'deep sleep treatment' and was on tranquillisers, told never to have anymore children. But then, she had me, went back on tranquilisers and certainly saw some kind of mental health professional when I was a child, but was still scary.

From my discovery of CEN, I also discover OOTF, then a C-PTSD group on fb. I also read 'The Body Keeps the Score' and have got further reading since, finally I have started reading the Pete Walker book on C-PTSD and found this site.

I am in the UK. It seems amazing to me that I don't remember any checks being made on me through my childhood but, I suppose, my parents were pretty good at appearing normal, and things were different in the 70's.

What resonates with me from the information on C-PTSD is the information about EF. I think I have been experiencing those. When someone is angry I suddenly get hot, red, feel small, like I want to disappear, shame. I freeze and can do nothing. I just want to curl up and die. Then last week, I had a really busy day and a rude, passive aggressive remark directed at me on fb triggered me, then, at the doctors the receptionist wasn't sure that I had an appointment, although I had been told I would be seen that day, and that doubt and disbelief triggered me again, I could not stop crying. It was cathartic, but it was nothing to do with the reason I was there and totally out of proportion.

I am scared whenever I have to ask someone for something, I feel I have to fawn and grovel, and I feel that physical shame again.

Does any of this make sense? Am I in the right place? I did some training to be a counsellor and really believe that there is some transference of my mother onto my husband, but, because I was inexperienced, the people doing the training said I didn't know what I was talking about and should not talk about transference.

Here in the UK it seems like no one knows anything about this stuff, very few even understand gaslighting. I have a counsellor who has done some inner child stuff with me but these terms are new to her, gaslighting, CEN, C-PTSD even Resting * face was new to her.

Sorry, this is long, really just feel the need to be understood at the moment.

[Candid]

I'm in the UK too, and I know there are people who understand trauma. In my area there's a long waiting list for therapy, but it's available on the NHS and your GP will be able to refer you.

[Kizzie]

Does any of this make sense? Am I in the right place?

Welcome to OOTS Gromit, unfortunately it does sound like you are in the right place because what you've described makes perfect sense to me and no doubt will to most mbrs here.

Pete Walker's book is great, difficult but really paints the picture of what CPTSD is, what causes it and how to recover.  I can to read it in small chunks though.  Anyway, he  describes EFs in his book much as you do - feeling small, afraid, ashamed, wanting to disappear, etc.

When we are triggered we shoot right back into trauma time where part of us got stuck as children. The feelings we felt then and are re-experiencing are childlike, (actually quite primitive I found when I finally was able clearly see/feel mine). They are out of proportion as you suggest and don't quite make sense now as adults.  But when you think of how children feel things it makes more sense.  It's the whole reason we stuffed all of it away/down, numbed ourselves with alcohol/drugs, learned to dissociate, they all helped us to make it through, but they interfere with life as adults.

Pete Walker's book was the first I read about CPTSD and I found it very difficult, but at the same time so hopeful.  He talks about our symptoms as something we had to learn, and suggests that what was learned can be unlearned and/or new behaviours/responses learned.   Knowing he has CPTSD and is a therapist, I placed a lot of trust in his perspective and he did not steer me wrong.  I hope you find his work helpful too.

[Kitty]

Hello UK contributors, this is my first shot at joining in, so please bear with me. Pete Walker has another fan. Reading his book was like the throwing of a switch. I am 65 and have had depression since about 11. My whole life has been on big battle with myself and the world at large. Now I feel as if help is not on the horizon, but at my finger tips.  :

[Three Roses]

And welcome to you too, Kitty

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi gromit
You are making perfect sense to me ! As what you describe is my experience too 'getting triggered, EF , feeling small and helpless, fear'
I live in the uk too and am a child of the 70's
This forum and pete walkers book and website have/ are such a support for me
I got diagnosed with cptsd by a psychiatrist in march through the NHS and another person on this forum got diagnosed in the south east of England . I'd previously seen a child trauma therapist through lift psychology for 12 wks ( NHS and we did some really good work together- but it wasn't enough time to integrate it. There isn't any long term therapy for me through the NHS the psych said , but I do know someone who is having emdr through the NHS in Bristol ( but I wasn't keen on that just now ) . I have found a charity called 'southmead project' see google ( they offer 1-1 and group for adult children) and they are offering me long term support
I was always googling cptsd in the uk to try and find out what was out there but I discovered a more effective search term is 'child trauma' or 'trauma' or 'ptsd' or ' child trauma therapist
You are not alone and this forum is so supportive
Also you can look up acoa - this is a 12 step programme for adult children of alcoholics and dysfunction families ( my foo we're dysfunctional not alcoholic. This fellowship does some really in depth work and support

My experience is it can take exhaustive time to get what we need but we don't stop trying till we get what we need sometimes the road is long and sometimes it is short

[Boatsetsailrose]

We we are on the road no less and beauty is ours for the taking

[Libby12]

Hi gromit.

Your introduction of yourself to this site really resonated with me.   So much so that I registered here and posted my own story.

I know just how you feel when you talk of an emotional response to something that you know is out of all proportion.  I also try to avoid ever asking for anything.   In fact,  I just try to avoid interaction wherever possible.  It's too stressful.

Like you,  I am in the UK where the GPs know next to nothing of the effects of childhood trauma.   They have no idea that depression can be felt as physical pain even though plenty of research exists. 

I hope we can share in further discussions.

Libby

[writetolife]

Welcome!

I think a lot of people are self-diagnosed or not officially diagnosed C-PTSD, etc. since it isn't as widely used a diagnoses as many others and not as well understood as it should be (in my opinion.)

And yes, you are totally making sense.  I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, but I'm glad that you're here.