Time for a Reality Check?

[OwnSide]

Hi.

It's been about a year since I last engaged with the forum, for a variety of reasons. Objective data would suggest that my mental health has gotten worse since then. I started reading some of my old posts, and after I got over the cringe factor of how open I used to be, I thought it might be helpful for me to revisit the forums. I keep trying to figure out why I am having difficulties disproportionate to my circumstances, and one answer I keep getting internally is that I already "figured it out" but refuse to accept the reasons. It's hard to say what the truth is. Certainly I cannot go back and retrieve a comprehensive, unbiased dataset for analysis. Another option is to trust in my feelings, which sometimes happens and sometimes doesn't.

As I recall, I somewhat intentionally stopped processing because I was going to be out of school, and the prospect of having no distractions was daunting. I have since begun a high calibre academic program, a positive step that will prepare me for a career aligned with my values, but also presents the opposite problem (i.e. little time for processing). I still find myself drawn to the process of sorting out my mind, and I know that this work is important for my wellbeing, career, and loved ones. Yet I seem unable to make meaningful progress, caught between remembering when I could admit to trauma and distancing myself from the word now.

I spend an appreciable amount of time engaged in coping strategies that I logically know to be unhelpful and yet continue to indulge. For example, I think to myself that I do not have good enough reasons to feel the way I do. Sometimes I can trick myself into not having the feelings I think I have. It usually catches up with me in the form of symptoms. These symptoms prompt me to attribute some fault to myself or my behaviour for bringing them on in the first place, which is a bit of a funny paradox if you think about it. How can it be my fault I "feel bad" if I deny feeling bad in the first place?

It's all rather silly and I keep thinking that if I could just figure out what's going on with me, I would be able to chart a path forward. And yet, I know that if that were the case, it would have happened by now. Instead I continue to sort of feed my symptoms as a way of proving to myself that I meet some arbitrary standard of experiencing unpleasantness, which is rather irresponsible of me and I should probably try seek out some other forms of validation 

Apologies for the vague description. Hard to validate that.

Another complicating factor is that I (and others) have increasingly suspected that I am on the spectrum, which would perhaps explain why I have difficulty rationalizing contradictory symptoms (ex. some forms of self-care come naturally to me whereas others are a challenge; having both self-compassionate and self-deprecating thoughts) and feel I must present both sides to avoid "lying". I also suspect neurodivergence could help explain why the events I recall as being "traumatic" lack a certain "wow" factor; I genuinely mean this as a statement of fact regarding my lower threshold for being affected and not as a negative comment on the neurodivergent community (you're all super valid).

I think my intention in posting is to cultivate some motivation to be on my own side again. Sometimes I wonder, if feelings don't impact functioning, how significant can they be? I know better, but I continue to choose not to talk about certain things (even though I have supportive people in my life) which allows me to continue getting away with not trying. I do have a therapist, though, which has been helpful.

I am aware it might sound like I'm fishing. Please don't feel pressured to respond or to respond in a certain way. Anyone who replies to me may have to deal with my inability to reciprocate.


All the best,
Ownside

[NarcKiddo]

the events I recall as being "traumatic" lack a certain "wow" factor;

This part of your post really stood out to me, for a couple of reasons.

One was that I was having a discussion yesterday with some other members. One of them has been in contact with a therapist who had observed that many people with CPTSD are first (frequently incorrectly) diagnosed as being on the neurodivergent spectrum. They then try things to help with that, but it doesn't help much or at all because neurodivergence is not the primary issue. However, there seems to be quite a bit of overlap between experiences and behaviours. So while it is entirely possible that you may be neurodivergent, if you are here and you have CPTSD it may be worth you keeping a very open mind about all of this. It sounds like you probably are anyway, but I mention it for what it is worth.

The second is that I very much identify with the trauma not having the "wow" factor. Many of us here have suffered trauma that we regarded as normal. That was just how our family was. Because we were fed, clothed and educated and came from an outwardly respectable family we had no reason to suppose otherwise. Nor did outsiders, so there was never any possibility of external confirmation or validation that what we were experiencing was damaging. The outside world can understand how "Big T Trauma" such as violence would be damaging. "Little t trauma" of emotional abuse is not so easy to label, or even see. Since starting therapy and sharing my story with some others I have come to discover that some aspects of my trauma do, in fact, have a "wow" factor for others. Because it was my normal, I simply had no idea it was "that bad". Which, of course, makes it that much harder to accept that I even have a problem.

[GoSlash27]

OwnSide,
 What I can share with you is that I've often felt the exact same way; like my traumas weren't really "all that bad" and I've blown them up to be more than what they are because I don't feel appropriately 'traumatized' by the clear memories I still have.

 Objectively this is nonsense, certainly in my case and (I'm sure) yours as well. The fact that the memories you hold would be regarded as traumatic by others but not yourself means nothing more than you have dissociated them.

 I have been through every kind of child abuse that you can imagine. Some you might not have even considered. One of the worst was an example of emotional abuse. It is *very* real and *very* damaging.
 
 If you're like me, all of your siblings suffered and most never recovered. Maybe some are no longer with us. That's not normal.
 You have the symptoms. That's not normal.
 You have the comorbidities. That's not normal.

 Your feeling that it wasn't 'that big a deal' is completely normal; a trick that your brain plays on you to keep you safe. Nothing more.

 You are among friends here. I hope you stick around.
Best,
-Slashy

[OwnSide]

Thank you both for the validation.

NarcKiddo, you raise an interesting point about neurodivergence being conflated with trauma. Having read many first-hand accounts and some diagnostic criteria related to neurodivergence (mostly autism, but also ADHD), the core topics seem to overlap heavily with C-PTSD. For example, "deficits in social communication" vs. "interpersonal hardship"; "sensory issues" vs. "hyper/hypo-arousal"; "restricted/repetitive behaviours vs. "avoidance" and "re-experiencing"; and "rejection sensitive dysphoria" vs. "negative self-concept". I have also read some speculation that "diagnosable" neurodivergence is, by definition, a by-product of trauma; people with neurodivergent traits cannot be diagnosed unless they experience clinically significant impairments. So my conceptualization at this point is that everyone has their own individual realm of tolerance, beyond which they become traumatized, and people identifying as neurodivergent tend to have more reactive and sensitive brains that facilitate trauma responses. But then, could such a brain not be forged by early life trauma?

The fact that the memories you hold would be regarded as traumatic by others but not yourself means nothing more than you have dissociated them.

I should clarify: No-one else is identifying my memories as traumatic. It is more that I go back and forth on whether I  think something was traumatic based on how emotionally connected I feel to that moment. I simultaneously remember and forget events such that there really isn't much of a story to tell -- it's more like, oh, someone said something to me and I can't remember exactly what it was or why they said it, but sometimes I can revisit that moment and identify dysregulated emotions in hindsight. But also other times I try to visit that exact same moment it feels distant and inconsequential.

I can rationalize that trauma memories do operate like this. You might have seen some other posts of mine where I really express feelings, and then others (like the post above) are rather impersonal. Hence, I am left to wonder what is "the truth". But there isn't just one. I have literally countless happy and loving memories which I am very lucky to have, but I also get into states where those same memories feel like confinement, and I end up seeking comfort in remembering times I was alone or autonomous. I know that I was loved and that the person who raised me did her best, and at the same time she had to raise me by herself from a young age with her own unresolved trauma on board which is a very stacked set of circumstances. So even logic humbly suggests that something might have been missed.

Still, it's strange that I would find myself here. It's strange that I would insert myself into this space and wax poetic about myself to people who (if I may use your exemplary quote, Slashy) "have been through every kind of child abuse you can imagine". I am grateful for the acceptance I have received thus far but wonder if it comes as a direct result of misleading people about the nature/magnitude of my circumstances simply by being here. If I could articulate things accurately, would I still receive empathy? And how do I accomplish such an endeavour without implicitly self-deprecating and validation-seeking to a community who has more than enough of their own healing to do? 

Anyhow, I've been looking for something to ease the intrusive thoughts so they don't start manifesting with intent, and part of me remembers the little relief cries that used to happen when reading these forums, so I thought coming back might be helpful.

Thank you for your input, and I hope to return the favour at some point