Regressing towards a former stage of development

[serene]

How many of you have a childlike alter that often wants to come out and play? Ive noticed that I have a childlike, extremely silly side to me. This silly side does not seem to dissipate or lessen with age. Its also a side that I keep hidden and the only people that know of it are my husband and my parents. I have been criticized as being weird by a past friend when she saw that silly side come out, therefore I dont care to show it to any other friends. Unless I make similar silly friends, but everyone starts acting like such adults by the age of 30.
It was difficult to open up to my husband to the point where this silly persona could come out and play. He was a bit surprised and didnt know how to react when I behaved in my quirky ways. I am very composed and quiet in public, I guess you could say I behave in a mature manner in public. The thing is, its impossible for me to suppress the immaturity for long. I would never behave in such a manner outside of the home, but its important for me to allow myself to let loose and be myself in privacy.
I think I might have developed this behavior in order to deal with a dysfunctional childhood. Ive heard about the concept of the inner child, but not sure as to why my inner child wants to come out in such a way...is it a possible strategy of the mind to stabilize anxiety? When I am immersed in this persona, I completely relax and feel happy. Wondering if anyone can relate.

[woodsgnome]

I had a comedic inner voice that got me through lots of crises as a kid. I think it may have originated watching 1930's Laurel and Hardy films rebroadcasts in later decades. I admired how Stan subtly just went about being himself while Ollie's personality projected a sense of being some superior being to Stan, but usually came in for a rude awakening; by film's end Stan's extremely subtle but honest approach won the day.

So I subconsciously seem to have started applying that to interactions with my abusers (home, school, and clergy). Albeit there were some situations when this didn't save me until later. Some of the abuse was so awful there really wasn't a means to totally escape the pain while it was being perpetrated.

Sometimes, though, I was able to visualize them as the pompous but mistaken fools they were (like Ollie was in the films). Along with that I found I could even laugh--inwardly (outwardly was dangerous). So I cultivated that feeling, and in adulthood it even paid off as an actor where I was allowed, and even expected, to display subtle humour.

So, yes, what you write about the inner comic was indeed an escape mechanism for me, as you've surmised it was for you. Using that hidden defense was how I tried the best I could to survive some pretty rotten stuff. Didn't always work, but I'm grateful I somehow found it.

My only regret is that I'm so good at the comic side as an adult that many regard me as a lightweight or unimportant as I tend not to show the serious side easily. Inside, though, it isn't the same--the remnants of cptsd I find extremely serious and hard to deal with.

Those who do see the humourous exterior don't know that I'm often hiding my inner grief that way, afraid that if I'm too serious on the outside I'll be trapped in destructive self-consciousness, as I still also carry an extreme people phobia where I don't/can't trust anyone. My serious side appears way more often on this forum than it does elsewhere, as here I'm willing to drop the facade; it's not necessary among other survivors who understand.

I recall someone who caught my drift on that behaviour, and said "you're hiding behind your sense of humour." Indeed, I was, it's who I am, and I'd rather hide, if I feel like I have to, with some lightness and not drown in its opposite. I'll never apologize for this; to do so would be to deny an important aspect in my survival. Then I'd feel like those self-sure but demented abusers of old were. I will avoid that at all costs. 

 

[Lingurine]

This reminds me of the family role the mascot. Like scapegoats, hero's and lost children, there is also the role of the mascot, the one who breaks the tension or lighten the mood with humor. On the outside, the mascot may look funny, carefree or immature, on the inside they often feel terrified, confused and lonely. To break out of this role it helps to get your feelings and opinions out and take them seriously.

Hope this helps.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

i like being silly at times, love to laugh out loud.  i never thought of that as an 'alter', just as part of my personality.  i think quirkiness is fun, entertaining, and when it gets other people to laugh as well, it just seems like the world is a little bit lighter for a while. 

i don't love all kinds of humor, but what i like i like a lot.  we have lots of silly things to do on the porch for when you're in the mood.  i think a silly string fight would be a blast.  just goofy.   i guess i don't view this as a regression, per se, just a childlike quality that i'd like to see more of in more people.  it's good, clean fun, and, as they say, laughter is the best medicine.  i know it always makes me feel better.

i hope you are able to let that silly side out as often as possible, and pooh to anyone who doesn't like it.  if we lose our ability to play, it seems to me that we've lost a big chunk of what helps us get through life.  i don't think there's enough laughter, good clean laughter.  i feel better just talking about this.  here's a hug full of silly and fun to help brighten your day.   

[Alarrah]

I do. I completely get it. I'm a pretty serious person, and my sense of humor tends to be on the dry side. Every once in a while though, I sort of feel uncharacteristically goofy or even young. It does seem like a separate personality to me.

I honestly can't afford a therapist to sort out whether I have multiple personalities or just some dissociative disorder, but I am really glad to hear someone else say they have the same experience. Thank you for sharing. It means a lot.

[sinthia820]

I'm almost opposite I think? I don't know if it's the same thing like maybe with you your inner child is the way you self sooth or something and your 'mature side' is your armor?

And for me my silly ness and out going extroverted self is the mask I show the world. (or more specifically my family)

At work I'm not silly but I am extroverted, I'm mature and professional. I don't have friends because all the masks I wear are exhausting and I'd rather just 'be' in my empty non existence then act more. I am my true self when I'm alone. Quiet, introverted, non engaging. But there is no way I can be this way around others... they think I'm depressed and sad and try and console or help me and could never understand that my natural state of non being is the only time I feel at peace.

But one of my masks (and I have little to no control over my masks, it would take a very concious constant effort to change a mask when others are around) is a silly childlike mask and it usually wins out over most all other masks (but only when children are around) and even though this mask is the least demanding it's still exhausting to wear.

I wonder if your silly side isn't a reversion or a coping mechanism, or how you self soothe but your natural self? When all your masks come off and you are able to be you?

(I'm new to this CPTSD stuff, self diagnosed 2 months ago when I ran across an article and was swiftly kicked in the chest when I realized that it applied to me and have been trying to understand more about it all)